Warning, the following information may permanently damage you in ways I can not be responsible for. Please read with caution.
My college roommate, sorority sister and ex-Hooter’s co-worker (yes I’m breezing right over that nugget) just had a baby. She’s like not all there in the head, which is why I like her so much. She taught me The Dead Animal Game, where you pose how an animal would look if dead. She was really good at the gazelle. (side note, I couldn’t remember gazelle and thought gayelle, however gayelle is a feminine lesbian and not an elegant animal)
She birthed the baby accidentally naturally. She wanted all the drugs you could legally get when birthing, but the contractions came too fast so she had to push that screaming turtle out the old fashioned way. Below is her list of “things they don’t tell you”.
1. Day started off with massive amounts of pooping – I thought it was weird
2. Lots of people touch your vagina and butthole. You don’t exactly want people touching it when you’re in labor
3. Pushing does feel good, but also really painful at the same time. The last 2 pushes were agonizing
4. I pooped all over the table several times and knew I was doing it (the books tell you that you won’t know if you do or not – I could smell it…and so could J)
5. In the mirror they put up you see some scary stuff, at one point I stopped and pointed out to everyone in the room a giant hemmorid coming out of my butt
6. Tearing hurts bad. I felt myself being ripped apart. Also felt the doctor not so gently stretching me out before she delivered
7. After delivery people still want to put their fingers in your vagina and butthole. It hurts
8. Books say you don’t feel getting stiched up. Books lie
9. You have heavy bleeding afterwards and nurses have to help you do everything including clean yourself in the bathroom…its humbling
10. It took 3 days to poop and I was terrified to do it
11. I still can’t sit on my butt 4 days later
(over email)
Me: B, you are not going to believe this list C sent me. I am dying.
B: Barrrrrrrrrrrrrf!!!!
Me: Barf?
B: (No response)
Me: If you so much as think of “barfing” when I push your spawn out of my vagina I will divorce you. I’ll have a lawyer on standby. And who says barf?
Regardless of B’s retardness, this list is craaaaazy. I mean….we all know I’m pretty ok with poop and things but pooping on a table for all to see like it’s your babies twin, birthed early? No. I can just see them wrapping the poo in a blanket and saying “isn’t it cute?” Nope nope and No.
Tearing? Hemorrhoids? Blood for ever and always? I don’t even think I can say really anything more interesting or funny about this list. I think we all just need to respect the list and let it sit with us for a spell.
Thanks C for informing us and doing your civic duty as a woman.
The internet psychic says you would like this too:
Hi I’m MODG. But you can call me MODG. You say it like Modg, like a Grandma name. Not like M.O.D.G. That’s a lot of syllables and I don’t have that kind of time. 
{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
OK… I'm due in January with my first and now, I'm truly terrified. I'm calling my doctor at this moment to schedule a c-section!!
Oh my hell. I laughed so hard at twin birthed early my eyes are watering.
Okay, so I had a C-section, which was a little different, but still the same in a lot of ways.
I wish someone had warned me about the stuff that would come out of me after delivery. When I was first allowed to get out of bed the next morning, this large chunk of something fell out of me onto the floor. I looked at it and started crying. I asked my husband (who happens to be a dr), “Is that my uterus?” And he started to laugh, but he saw the look of sheer mortification on my face and gently told me it was just a clot and not to worry. I promptly leaned over (in my gown and all my nekked glory) and tried to scoop it up. Made the mess worse. The nurse swooped in, told me not to worry, that she sees it all the time and it's her job.
OMG. It was awful. And I, too, got my first hemhorroid after delivery–and I DID NO PUSHING!!! It sucked.
I also had no idea my breasts would turn into large, painful rocks 3 days later. I thought it was supposed to be all lovely & natural.
This was a great list!
this is soooo nasty!! I heard about the poop thing recently, and was in shock. I mean, ew. And why do people have to poke and prod at you! I am having drugs, massive amounts of them…. grosss… this just pushed back another yr of ever wanting a spawn!! hahaha xxxoo
I had two babies and didn't have any pooping on the table, tearing, or MIRRORS OF WHAT WAS HAPPENING!! Please. I don't remember anyone putting their fingers in my butt, but I did have an epidural so maybe I just didn't feel it. I never had hemorrhoids or things falling out of me the next day. Two hours after giving birth I took a shower and felt pretty damn good.
(There are things you can do to reduce tearing – google it). I'm not saying that giving birth is all sunshine and roses, my husband still says he wishes he hadn't been in the room, but it wasn't as bad as all that.
Um, raise your hand if your in the Pooped on the table club!!! I did. Yes, it was mortifying. But at the time I just wanted the kid outta my va jay jay, so my mind was working towards pushing, which does suck, but when its over there is a HUGE sigh of relief.. I didn't tear with either child, I was lucky I tell you. Lucky. Hope your friend recovers well!!! I had both of my babes natural so I know how your friend felt, she felt EVERYTHING!!! I hope these stories don't scare you tooo far away from babies..they really are worth it!!!
Sorry Ive been major MIA lately, I promise I will be back commenting like crazy, very very soon!!
Chrystal
Oh boy…that list reminded me of this time while babysitting that I was bored and decided to read the mom's copy of “The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy”
Scarred me for life.
Okay the twin comment has to go in the books as one of the funniest things I've read on a blog.
As for the books, they do lie!
I have a firm policy that involves me getting an epideral the hour I find out I am pregnant. I will then be attached to a morphine drip that I can activate at will for the rest of the pregnancy. If this in not available, I am adopting a monkey.
True story: my older sister has 3 kids. One the third one, she got a 3rd degree tear that went from her vagina up into her asshole. No me gusta.
Haha! Great post.
Xx
Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….I have been learning little tidbits over the years, and I had come to the general consensus that everything we are told about childbirth is one big fat lie. This confirms it. And, as much as I have to agree with B (BARFFF!!!…sorry!haha), I'm actually wayyyyy happier having a realistic idea of what to expect. Mainly so I can warn Mr. Perfect, and we can avoid that lawyer-on-standby scenario…hopefully
PS I pretty much read this whole entry with my hand over my mouth, and a look of horror-slash-fascination on my face.
Some of those things were true for me. I had drugs though. If I pooped on the table, I'm not aware of it. I told my husband to keep that information to himself. They offered to let me see with a giant mirror. I quickly refused. The drugs worked both times so I didn't feel anything except pressure. I was stitched up both times all the way from hole 1 to hole 2. I didn't feel a thing. However, it did take days to poop. I also was terrified. I couldn't sit on my bum after baby number 1 for 2 weeks. It was easier with the second. Did I cover everything?
I missed heavy bleeding. There's definitely heavy bleeding, but no one helped me clean it up. I did it myself with toilet paper and GIGANTIC pads.
Ahhh, I could add to that list with quite a few tidbits my friends have shared…
Ahhh, I could add to that list with quite a few tidbits my friends have shared…
That answers all the questions I was afraid to ask. I'm not giving birth unless they give me a C section. Seriously…I don't think I can sit in my own shit.
THIS POST is the best example of au naturale birth control one can find. holy CRAP no pun intended, poor girl, poor poor girl ,,,,,, why is mother nature so freaking cruel???
you MUST post some pix of you and friend from hooter days, must share w/ your fans!
Cheers
Cameron
http://www.conquerthemonkey.com
I had a c-section, so it was a completely different experience for me. And I can't say it was any better. You're uterus feels like it's gonna fall out of your vagina the first time you stand up to walk around, which they make you do the next day. I literally had to hold onto my lower stomach while i waddled down the hospital hallway. And never mind all the help you need just to go pee. And I was terrified of coughing. OUCH.
I had two babies without drugs and they weighed 10 pounds and 8.2 pounds. And I shit all over the table with the second one. The midwife just picked it up, cleaned me off and then ran a black light over my vag to make sure there was no more poop residue.
It was like CSI but with my vagina.
Everything she said is totally true.
Oh! And after you go home, you have to wear mesh underwear with a gigantic maxi pad in it. The bleeding is of the chain.
Ah I have heard about the pooping- it's a young, without children with the desire to have children the future woman's worst realization. All I can say, bring on the drugs! And maybe a C section? LOL, though I am sure that has it's own nightmarish list…
Sadly, I knew about all of this (I've been studying up), and that mirror your friend speaks of can just stay the hell away. I have no interest in that coming anywhere near my vag.
Oh dear god. WHY does birth have to work this way? Why do women have to poop, tear, and get probed before, during, and after the ordeal?! There must be a better way!!!
On another note – if you give birth under water, then do you poop in the bath tub? Like a giant toilet? That you're sitting in? ICKKKK.
I can remember the exact moment when I found out what an episiotomy was. I was 19, living in ignorant bliss and watching Felicity in my dorm room, eating Lucky Charms (only the marshmallows) when my pre-med suitemate told us the news. It was probably the only time in college I wasn't hungry for 24 hours.
Poop thing…(check)
Naughty bits touched…(check)
Pushing hurts…(check)
The rest of it…not so much! I never went natural…drugs all the way! My sister, during a hard part of the process, whispered in my ear, “It will all be worth it!” I wanted to scream…”No it won't!” But I'm not good with pain:) It is endless content for posts though. Thanks for giving me a huge belly laugh today. Have a terrific day. Holly at lifelaughlatte.blogspot.com
it's CRAZY what they don't tell you….like the part when you start hurling 15 hours into labor. ewwww
i lucked out {sorta}. i pushed for 3 hours and ended up with a c-section…that is AFTER 23 hours of labor. not cool. at all.
It's official. I'm adopting.
How unsettling.
Umm, I'm not sure if its appropriate to laugh when certain things about what's funny are very terrifying…
Barf… lol
Someone needs to post this list on the wall of every high school's girls restroom. That is serious birth control.
Uh- I didn't have the poop issues and don't remember people examining the back door.
I just cringed. Ew. Makes me not want to have kids, which I don't want right now.
Umm, I can't believe I am about to admit this (perhaps it is more appropriate in a confessional Friday post.) At first glance in the mirror I experianced a panic unlike anything I've ever felt before. There was this tiny hole with this gigantic brown mound trying to come out. As the nurses told me to push, and I shoved with all my might, and the hole only became marginally larger, I cried to my husband that I couldn't do it: “I have small crevices!” reverberated down the hall. I pointed to the hole as evidence of my small crevices and a knowing smile appeared on Brake's face. He gently pointed about 2 inches higher in the mirror where there was another hole… in which a hairy head was beginning to emerge. That's right folks, in my daughter's first moments of life, I mistook her for the turd trying to escape my butthole. Mother of the year over here.
Oh, and BTW, my kid looks nothing like a poop. Just wanted to clarify.
Dang! Okay, now I am glad I never had kids….
very informative blog
here i would love to share about women health and tubal reversal
tubal ligation reversal – is a surgical procedure that restores fertility to women after a tubal ligation
http://www.mybabydoc.com/blog/
tubal reversal
Oh man.. That has got to be one of the funniest things I have ever read! Comments included!
I know I’m like 1.5 years late but I only just discovered this blog so I’m starting from the beginning!
I’m very happy to say I had no poop incidents, praise the lord! That was my number one fear! Especially since I had hubby, my mum and sister in the room! I did however have a few spews! I also had a back labour.. I’ve only had one kid so far but let me tell you, back labour has got to be worse than regular labour! Everytime a contraction would start I would get the most intense pain in my back it was horrendous! FYI showers work wonders for this!
And about the tearing.. Yep I teared from my v ALMOST to my a.. But apparently it was bad enough that I had to be put under for them to stitch me up! The best part was after pushing out a 9 pound baby boy with no drugs I WASN’T ALLOWED TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DRINK!! Umm what?? Because I was going to be put under general anaestethic
Yeah child birth is a miracle.. A messy gross not so fun miracle!