…Because, tomorrow is a really exciting day! 40 puns intended. Yes tomorrow and not today because I wanted to be the first and best. It’s someone’s birthday and I have a story for you about her. 5 months ago she commented on my blog about something weird and creepy probably. So of course I liked it. 5 months later and a billion more comments and emails and blog makeouts, we’re internet besties. We’ve never met, although we have approved each other’s attractiveness via photos to continue our creeplationship. She’s probably the funniest person on the internet, present company excluded. So with that being said, I have highlighted some of her highs and lows over the months and a few conversations with yours truly (which makes it way better). All of the following is out of her dirty mouth.
My theory is, that if I am calling, it is important and you realize that I would only call if it was important (nevermind that this happens 36 times a day) and if you weren’t dead, you would totally pick up the phone BECAUSE IT’S IMPORTANT.
He has dial-up internet. I believe he may be AOL’s last remaining paying customer. I have made it very clear that if this situation is not remedied by October 2010, there will be no wedding. End of story.
I want to marry gay Brad
Okay. Let me tell you. I have more than once pre-gamed on a date by eating an entire meal, so I can go on the date and be all “Oh, I am so dainty and I do not eat much.”
First off, kids these days are too soft. It’s not my fault if the wimpy kid gets a broken arm in Red Rover. What a Loser.
I don’t care what you talk about on my blog. (*MODG note, this one comment changed everything)
I used to be a part of a company that sold shirts that said F*%$ Y’all I’m From Texas
Me: Boys are basically monkeys.
Sarah: At least he isn’t into strawberry milkshakes (*she says this is a major sign of the crazies)
Now I am going to guess your super secret baby name:
Butch
Gryffendor
Cholera
Avarice
Lemonjello
Mercedes Chanel
Candy Kahne
Tyranny
Amiraclenamedamy (*So close)
Samurai
Also, if you are going to do indoor windowsill gardening and be obsessive about it, why didn’t you grow something useful like pot or money?
Jews are my specialty topic. (*I still believe I know more in Jew territory)
And I am not interested in wine because that is categorized as “awesome.”
Me: We are not understood in our own time.
Sarah: I tried to Google misunderstood artists to illustrate the point, but came up empty handed.
I am just going to be honest with you when I say that I don’t know if I have room for another chubby friend in my life.
Me: who needs therapy?
Sarah: Therapy is for quitters. For the record, my sister goes to a therapist who is blind and I refer to her as Helen Keller
If I ever wear this shirt, punch me in the face. Thanks in advance.
Sarah: Then it looks like monkey breeder is the job for you. The monkeys will accept you no matter what.
Me: Fine.
Me: You hate blogging
Sarah: No my employer is forcing me to work today
Me: that’s insane
Sarah: I am considering calling the authorities
Sarah: Can I call people fatties or is that not-PC?
Me: fatties is totally PC
For the record, I will never ask you for beauty advice. On principle.
Dear T,
Is he picky and shallow or are you ugly? (*Standing up for Single Guy against the evil ex!)
Me: Did you hear I got a Bump it?
Sarah: Did you hear I am jealous? (*Did I mention she is from Tejas?)
B is a dick weed. Let him know I said it too.
I have had a recurring dream involving scabs. What does this mean?
Sarah: You misspelled hydraulics.
Me: You’re right it should have been spelled myasshole
Everybody knows internet friends are better than real life friends.
She may be right about that last one. Go to her blog now and worship her stalk her and obsess over her like a twi-hard teen… And wish her a happy birthday.
ps she hates vampires. I know….
The internet psychic says you would like this too:
Hi I’m MODG. But you can call me MODG. You say it like Modg, like a Grandma name. Not like M.O.D.G. That’s a lot of syllables and I don’t have that kind of time. 
{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
OMG. My blog has never wanted to make out with your blog as much as it does in this very moment. I am humbled.
P.S. Are we meeting at Ray's Birthday Bar tomorrow night?
I'm so confused, my name is Almie! Am I missing something?
You're right though, I do puffy heart your blog.
I left a comment on the other blog..she is so cool after all. xx
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARAH!!!!
Hope you have a great day
Happy Birthday to Sarah! I swear I had thought that you guys were real life besties. I was shocked that you guys haven't even met in person!
Aw crap! I thought I was the funniest person on the internet. I've been ousted! But I guess if the truth be told, I need to spend less time making funnies and get to work on that time machine.Dean Martin and I have a duet to perform.
P.S. NOT mormon, but thanks for asking!
I follow her already. Remember? You told us to all go there on Friday. And I'm no fool. Sheesh – I do what I'm told! Oh, and she is really funny. But you should totally stop being so bossy *wink*
honestly…ever since i found MODG and ALME, i have thought every single friday about making my confession that i secretly wish i was real life friends with amanda and sarah….but i didnt want to be too creepy. although i should've know, you guys like creepy.
happy birthday to sarah!!!
uhh, my son has two Betta fish. One is named lemonjello and the other is orangejello. All about the pronunciation and I am assuming you gals are cool enough to know the correct way of saying it?
Oh my god that was just a whole bunch of dumbass nonsense.
I. LOVED. IT.
I NEED to have you guys in my life. Off to wish her a Happy B!
Seriously, loved it.
Listen, goy, I will out jew you, even as a ULC minister.
She doesn't like vampires?! WTF!
I already visit her and just for the record, I will out Jew you both because I am MOT and according to a very dear friend of mine…Ninja Jew.
Jessalyn, I'm with you! LOL
Oh, no…my husband likes strawberry milkshakes. What does it mean?! And I totally text my sister the other day that I wanted a bump it. The girl in the commercial looks so happy! Like the higher your hair, the more fulfilling your life will be.
ahahahaha lemonjello. love.
This is great! Your back and forth is classic
She sounds kinda funny.
I love strawberry milkshakes. What does that mean? This is going to keep me up all night.
PS Happy birthday!
PPS Was just tempted to order a Bump-it. Just for the blog wedding.
I've never wanted two blogs to make out more than MODG and ALME…. ahh the love =)
Happy Birthday Sarah!
hotpants, vampires are for suckas.
Lee, fine you can be HJIC (head jew in charge)
Tara, you need to leave your husband. This means he has a serious case of the crazies. Also, in the South the saying goes: the higher the hair, the closer to God.
I'm interested in the strawberry milkshake theory. Does that apply to just the dudes?
I love both of you.
And she's fucking right about that milkshake biz.
I'm a bartender in a restaurant/grill. We have milkshakes on the menu. When dudes order it, I give them the side eye.
Also, I have a whole theory about men who substitute their french fries for cottage cheese.
They are GAY.
You two were a match made in heaven. And when I lived in Houston I saw dudes walking around in that shirt. Frightening.
You guys are cuuuuutie!!!!
Her strawberry milkshake post was the one that got me to stalk her and then you. So yay!
She's right about the weak kids. They ruined all the fun times by forcing teachers to make all these “rules”.
Bastards.
I better be invited to you twos lesbian commitment ceremony.
If your blogs make out too much you'll end up with a baby blog. Or a virus of some kind.
weak children? amen.
fatties? amen.
internet friends are really the coolest. yeah, and most convenient. for sure.