Since we’re already talking about vaginas, ovaries and uterusesss, it’s time for what I like to call:
An Unnecessary Update
To the 3 men who read MODG: Apologies up front. My bloggie bestie
asked me what the F was the matter with me. Even people in Texas know I’m off. Answer? GD F-ing period devil
is ALMOST here. Therefor, my body in all ways is about to burst. How you ask? Let me detail this for you.
If you point to a hole on my body, it’s about to explode volcano style. Gross right? Totes. I’m talking down to my pores. I can feel a build up of pimple pain under my whole face skin layer. My boobs feel like someone pumped them full of air-pain, my eyes have some sort of sty growing in it and to top off the bloat of the century, I’m in flats. If that recipe of misery doesn’t birth the frowns, I don’t know what would.
So instead of just bitching my hormones away, I thought I would share with you some of my remedies that I discovered on my own that actually have made things better. Note* I do not trust any doctors ever they have F’d up my life too many times*. This stuff has been the only stuff to help me. Literally I’ve been in the hospital 5 times for period related death feelings. I can handle this pms bullshit, but the actual cramping period wave of hell is where I draw the line. The following has helped that “situation”. *One important note: I have taken the pill. I have taken many different kids of the pill. I will never again take the pill. You think I’m evil and crazy now….you don’t even know.
- First, calcium chews. I know what you’re thinking. This is BS. Just stay with me. If you take these consistently throughout the month your cramping will be less. Promise. Like 2 a day.
- But you also have to take these like twice a day. Chaste Berry is an herbal supplement that if taken consistently will 1) regular out your whacko jacko period and 2) make it lighter and easier. Working so far for me. Stay with me….
Now that’s the preventative stuff. Here’s the you’reabouttodiefromcramps remedies.
- Advil, obv. Avoid the lame women meds that are pink and have women on them. They don’t work. Advil often and early. Like before the cramps even start. You have to be like 30% psychic though. So work on that first.
- These are homeopathic remedies. I did lots of my own research and they work for me. Nux Vomica and Chamomilla Take them when you are about to die. It will make you not die. If you’re curious about this route, I recommend reading this. It looks shady but its full of smart stuff.
- Last but not least, deep breaths. Like you’re in labor. Seriously. When you’re in pain you unconsciously take short breathes which makes pain worse.
Now I know you’re thinking, MODG is a crackhead hippie witch doctor. My response is yes, yes I am. And I back all of this up with my medical science degree from myself. Same place I got my Reverend license.
PS my cramps are also from endometriosis…they are that bad. But if you have rough vagina probs like me, I hope I’ve helped.
witch doctor love,
PPS There’s always this
Also, in the spirit of hating stuff and pms, I want all of you moms to avoid this company
. I’m all about revealing shady evil people and this company is definitely one of them. They take your money and run. I have this on good referral. Feel free to prank call them as well.