A month ago, I was all…why is my gym telling me about Zumba? Is this a vacuum? Why is my gym advertising a vacuum. That’s rude and I’m not interested in your cleaning supplies. Wait, is it a monster? I kind of get that more than a vacuum. I mean my gym would want be to be fit enough to run away from a monster so maybe its that? So for a good month, I decided I had no interest in a new vacuum or any sort of monster activity. Then I poked my head into monster class and I saw that the old ladies were dancing around like they had beans and tacos in their pants and a bitch smirk on their face. I wanted that. So that’s when I learned that Zumba was actually spicy taco dancing for oldies at the gym. Coolness. I think I want in.I convinced K, my kooky work friend (also winner of Ms. Nude Trailer Park and could take your ass down in a whiskey drinking contest) to try Zumba with me. We are spinning buddies and frankly we’ve become so amazeballs at it that we needed a new challenge. Ok that’s not true at all. We both hate the gym and need to distract ourselves from our own hatred. So K and I show up to Zumba for the first time and it’s packed from wall to wall with MainLine Moms. For those of you not from the Philadelphia area, a main line mom means rich soccer mom in Tory Burch with boobs that seem juuust a smidge too perky for 50. They also have the entire MAC store caked on their face for the gym. So they were there.
The teacher turns on the latin flared music and she is MOVING. She just is dancing and everyone is just kind of following. No cues, no words, just moves. K and I are all…the F??? We both looked like 14 year old girls whose limbs have outgrown their torsos. Similar to orangoutangs in some jazzy mating ritual. The teacher is shimmying left and shaking right and slowly SLOWLY I’m getting it. K I’m not so sure about. I was really only concerned with myself. And by concerned I mean FREAKING out that I was not able to look awesome immediately.
I’ve always considered myself to be an above average dancer. I was in dance class a lot as a kid and I was down with MTV’s The Grind with Eric Neice, like no one’s business. So when I looked around Zumba room and Grandma Molly Mae is shaking her ass like woah and Aunt Teddy Lynn is shimmying her boobs in the mirror like what, and I’m all awkward farm animal, there was a serious problem. I tried tying up my shirt a little to look more like ‘cool sweaty dancer’ and that didn’t work. I just looked 3 months preg. Then I tried taking my hair down. That’s what real dancers do. They do not care about sweat or hair in their eyes. They care about the BEAT and the GROOVE. Sadly the hair in my eyes made me trip on Molly in front of me. She gave me the zumba stank eye from there on out.
So the gist of zumba is a “simple” routine for each song that is repetitive…kind of…so you can learn it and not need cues. My brain doesn’t work like this. I’m at 75% capacity…similar to my dvr. So I just kind of follow along. So zumba teacher is shimmying front and random cute girl who is soooo good at everything in the front of the class shimmies BACK. I’m all HA, you ass, pay attention, didn’t you see the teacher shimmy FRONT. Then the teach is like, OMG you were totally right, awesome girl, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. You’re so amazing for knowing the moves. Next move, teacher messes it up again! But super great cute girl gets it right. Teacher is all, Why don’t you teach the class, you’re great….
a;slkdfjalknxcv.msdnrotihe’ogijas;ldk!!!! I don’t like not being noticed for being the best at everything I do or at least kind of the best because everyone else sucks. So of course I hate her now. Of course she loves K and they are all being surrogates for each other’s future babies in 5 years. Whateves. I must beat this zumba genius at her own game.
After the class I was like, that was kind of fun but I am so tough and in such good shape, I need a WAY harder workout. Fast forward 24 hours later and my shoulders hurt, like BAD. B says the spot that hurts is from when you lift your arms in the air with weights and stuff. But wait. I didn’t have weights. I just raised my arms over my head in a shakey shakey motion off and on for an hour. THAT SHIT SHOULD NOT MAKE ME SORE. I AM WAY FITTER THAN THAT AND I’M NOT SURE IF FITTER IS A WORD BUT I AM IT. But apparently not. Yes, that’s right. I was sore from simply raising my arms over my head. I’m doomed. F. So monster class has made me realize, I don’t dance like the cool kids anymore. I am old people out of shape. I am a bitter jealous person. And I’m overall not that smart.
I’ll be back next week Zumba. This time I’m bringing the blue hair. Try and tell me I’m not cool then.
PS. This was a long post. For those of you who skimmed, check this out. Thanks.
Word..
Hi I’m MODG. But you can call me MODG. You say it like Modg, like a Grandma name. Not like M.O.D.G. That’s a lot of syllables and I don’t have that kind of time. 
{ 90 comments… read them below or add one }
Good for you. I say that because I don't like to sweat, so I have a lot of respect for people who sweat on purpose. Sweating is like peeing. FROM YOUR SKIN. I don't like to do it. Why I live in Georgia is still a mystery.
You will fit right in with the old ladies with your blue hair.
After reading this, I am certain you are not cut out to be a professional cheerleader. Sads.
Hahaha…this is awesome. I just signed up for Zumba … they are offering it after school here at work 2x a week in the library. Score! I'm pretty pumped, even though I'm not at all coordinated or good at aerobics. Do you think this is a pre-req?
Those chicks can't step to you when you pull out the blue hair…it's on bi*ches!
I've actually wanted to try Zumba but was a little worried about looking like an idiot in front of 60 year olds. Plus the only place I can find it close to my house is the Jewish Community Center. And I don't know if they want blonde catholics zumba-ing with them.
The workout room in my gym has a wall of windows in the back so everyone else in the gym can see you. Not so great for people like me that can't dance for shit… Basically everytime you F up, someone sees it. Yeah, I gave up Zumba.
We have a Latin Beat class at my gym and I love it. It's always packed like my spinning class, so I have to get there real early to get a good spot up at the front. Never took dancing lessons, myself, but I love to dance and been doing it since I was a kid.
I have had very similar experiences with this class. Being the insistently independent person that I am, I went to one BY MYSELF. I don't recommend this. The most fun part about the class is when you trip over your feet and/or can't figure out the mambo/kick/twist/turn combination and then your friend can't either and you laugh together at what dumbass bafoons you are and then get together after class for a cocktail to discuss how stupid you both just looked.
Worst part – at my gym the Zumba room is like a display case, and every week the karate class gets out about halfway through the class. So right when you're getting over your self conciousness and feel comfortable enough to get down with your dance face (you know the pursed lips, smyzing action), all these teenage boys filter into the hallway and stand there pointing and laughing. POINTING AND LAUGHING.
You are one brave soul! Kick it's ass A! Blue hair is definitely a must – I also like your ode to the Grind with Eric Neese – he's all total hippie now and that makes me sad!
P.S. The whole comment about … Old ladies were dancing like they had beans and tacos in their pants and a bitch smirk on their face made me laugh and snarf my water.. ugh awesome! I'm still giggling typing this!
Ha- my friend asked me to go to Zumba with her ohhh about 10 months ago. I really didn't want to, so when she got there, I told her I was-surprise!- pregnant and we should prolly just walk the track tonight…so we did. Unfortunatly, the track circles the gym where Zumba is held, so we watched everyone. And by watched I mean, I stared at people, and my friend just couldn't keep the beat inside and basically danced around the track. God love her, but shes embarassing sometimes!
Ok, this is hilarious. It reminds me of my own dance class fiasco at the gym…I'm going to post my story at the end of the week! lol
When I was getting in shape the first time (before getting fat preggers-style) I did Zumba when I hit a wall with running. It totally pushed me to new levels of calorie burning. And it is fun. I loved taking friends and watching them f-it up. One bff was a pilates instructor and thought she was hot shit, not so much after zumba made her look like a tard, HA!
Rock the blue hair proudly, no one will question your hipness then.
My mother refused to let me take ballet when I was a child, and it still haunts me to this day. I took Dance for gym credit in high school, and I was TRAGIC. The teacher would shout the names of the moves, “The Madonna!”, and I'd always be going in the wrong direction.
If you had a hard time, then there's no hope for me. I'd NEVER step into a dance class. You'd have to drug me and drag me. Then I'd be too messed up to dance.
I've heard of this crazy class. Maybe I'll just see how it pans out for you before I try it. I'm not as coordinated (or hip) as you so it may not pan out too well for me.
Is that Heidi in the bottom pic? hahaha…. I dont know if they offer Zumba near me, but I hear its fun… xxxoo
Yet another reason I don't join a woman's gym and do this crap.
You know, besides the fact that I'm not a woman.
A-ha! I've heard about this Zumba thing and now I know. On behalf of my lazy-ass, thanks for taking Zumba out for a test-drive. – G
This reminds me of the time my BFF and I decided to take the kickboxing class at our gym. Little did we know it was instructed by a man that looked like he could be Richard Simmons much older brother, complete with spandex and head/wristbands, who goes by the name of Peter Pan (not kidding). The guy is crazy. I never thought an old person could move that fast. Think Tae-bo but five times faster and harder and he barely breaks a sweat. My BFF dropped out within 20 minutes.
Once the blue hair is in, you WILL be the coolest f*cking chica there.
You are too funny! I went to Zumba for the first time yesterday as well, but def had a better instructor who explained things! I'll be writing about it this week as well.
LMAO! That's fantastic! I got soooo sore from f'ing holding a baby on Sunday and thought … WTF? It's like 8 lbs! I can't believe how much my arm hurt and still does a little today. NOT COOL. I gotta step it up.
super great cute girls in the front can suck it.
P.S. I posted under my old blogger acct because OpenID wasn't working.
I really liked the picture of Grandma Molly. I think you should forget the blue hair and get an 8O's wig and the LETS GET PHYSICAL whole get up. My bff is doing poll dancing glasses and tells me how exhausted she is after a work out…and that she is not talented enough for heels just yet. I think this is one of those situations where you have to try to believe it.
I have heard about Zumba and have wanted to try it… turns out I am not in great shape so I am sure it is going to KICK MY BOOTY!!
Oh YEAH, I LIVE to be the best of the suckasses! No, I couldn't win in any real competition for anything involving being up from the couch. But I do so love to be around people who suck worse than me. Ahhh. Confidence building.
I go to zumba every Wednesday. I NEVER EVER get better, but the teacher is HOT and FUNNY as can be. AND, she does add hip hop and other dances into the latin mix (latin stuff is hard). I make a complete ass of myself week after week. Whenever I con a friend into coming to the class with me- they kick my butt and LOOK way better than me, and I stomp my foot when the istructor singles them out as being all good and stuff…and she has NEVER EVER told me I was good,or that I can shake it! ANd, I have a lot to shake down there- a lot of junk. SO, I usually leave the class pouting and upset that I am way worse than the newbies and the oldies.
sigh. but I still torture myself week after week…because …well, I am not sure why. I think i really do have a crush on the instructor and her firm tush. I am waiting for mine to get like that!
Oooo eemee geee, you are hilarious!!!!! I have to try Zumba now! I too thought it was a vacuum and every time someone says “Zumba” my first reaction is always vaccum, lol. I'll have to see if the Jewish Comm Center has these classes for me
i keep hearing all about this zumba deal and i WANT to try it….buuuuut i'm lazy…and it just sounds tiring.
Zumba is the “it” workout of the moment around these parts. I have even thought about giving it a try but I am a real ass when I dance (even though in my head I rock e.i. Elaine on Seinfeld) and I don't want to distract the class with my awesome moves.
My sister wanted me to take Zumba with her but thenI decided I could dance to Latin music at home for free. So I'm doing that.
oh, and btw, I'm Colombian and used to go dancing alot (latin dancing) and the hip shaking really does give our ass and abs one hell of a work out. Try wearing 3.5″ heels to class next time and you'll see, lol.
Ugh, I feel your pain! I recently tried this machine at the gym that is suppose to work your tricepts and started at 50 lbs… it wouldn't budge so I thought it was broken. Tried 10 lbs and it moved and I was huffing and puffing at 10 reps… I sucked!
I have never heard of this Zumba thing because I work out at our apartment gym and its ghetto. It is the size of our closet and has a weight machine, a bike, an eliptical, and a treadmill. There is a tv that doesn't work and they took the water out. Thanks apartment complex! Since you were such a good dancer when the Grind was on you wante me to mail you my VHS tape The Grind Workout video? It will teach you some amazeballs moves that you can totally use up in the club!
I actually bought the Zumba videos on VHS back in '02 when it first came out on video. I think I did each video like once and then they just collected dust.
So I've been thinking about trying Zumba for a while now… but you have just convinced me what I already knew, deep down in my heart. It is not for me.
My spinning buddies are two gay men. I know they could out-zumba me. And I don't want to be out-zumba'd.
I like to be the one judging everyone else for sucking at the group exercise (oh I love the fatties that go to spinning. I LOVE THEM. and judge them the whole time. For sucking. and for being fatter than me.), and I know that everyone at zumba would be judging me for being fatter than them and not as good at rump-shaking.
Stick with spin. All the cool, hardcore people spin. And run. Pound the pavement. Don't shake your rump.
Zumba sounds like an off Broadway play. Guess what we got two tickets to Zumba!!!!
“Dancing around like they had beans and tacos in their pants and a bitch smirk on their face.”
Best. Sentence. Ever!
Sounds like a weird computer game…thanks for clearing that up for us non exerciser people.
Also, does it sound bad that I wanna be a MainLine mom??
First vacuum comes into my mind after hearing Zumba, but now I want to try it so I can see how uncoordinated I really am.
I was thinking, “No WAY would my YMCA have THAT class. Zumba? Dancing? Prudish Scandiavians in Minnesota? Not happening.”
NOPE – there it is in B&W on the schedule at my Y, and even at a time I could try it on Sunday Afternoons.
maybe. or maybe not.
Nothing like a room full of feisty grandmas to make you feel like a totally out of shape, uncoordinated loser. I'm living that life every Thursday night from 6:30 to 7:25.
Um, yeah. I would look like a total moron at Zumba, as I don't have dancing skillz. It was bad enough when my MIL got me to take Jazzercise with her – that one is filled with old ladies too. I say rock the blue hair like nobody's business and show the annoying cute Zumba girl who can REALLY shake it.
My gym buddy and I recently were kicked out of yoga for laughing at other people. Apparently this is not “in the spirit” of the class. I am thinking, I would not handle zumba well.
Oh my gosh, you SO crack me up! I ♥ reading your stories. For reals. Thanks for the early-ish morning laugh.
This sounds so fun!I wish we lived closer – my abs would get a hell of a workout just by laughing with you!
just fyi i read previous comments and there IS a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader work out on ExerciseTV on OnDemand. I don't know if you have any of that but you should and you should do it.
Yum. Eric from the Grind. Who knew he had a last name? PS Anytime some says “true story” I have to yodel it like that country singer did in the opening credits. Tell me you know what I'm talking about. *Sigh*
Take your pink hair too…just in case!!
~WM
I tripped and fell in the house yesterday. Today I am all kinds of stif. I am old people out of shape too. LOL
sounds like fun!
have a sweet day, xoxo
I demand a vlog of you bustin' a movie GRIND style!
I *almost* tried a class like that in St. Louis. Then I decided that I didn't want to hire a babysitter for the little one and embarrass myself in front of the big one. It's back to “power” walking with a stroller up in this piece …
I have a relative in Canada who is a Zumba instructor – she's always raving about it in her facebook updates. But I don't think it would be for me – I think I'm an okay dancer but I CANNOT FOLLOW DANCE STEPS FOR CRAP!!!
Sounds like it was actually a good workout in the end though if you hurt that bad afterwards!
Well this confirms it. I will not be trying Zumba. I'll stick with BodyPump and kickboxing.
how cool! I need to look into this workout! And you will totally bring it with your blue hair
xox
This kinda makes me sad. I figured YOU would walk in there and own that bitch.
It's kinda like when you learn there is no tooth fairy.
I vote you practice all this week and maybe next week. Find some Zumba video on You Tube. And then walk into the class and walk up to the super cute great girl and go, “WHO IS YOU?” because quoting Jersey Shore will really drive your awesomeness home.
Definitely rock the blue hair. Show that instructor who is the most awesome!
i am not the best in my zumba class either so i had to drop that bitch. now i just zumba by myself with my ipod hooked to my tv and look at myself in the mirror. the mirror looks back and tells me i'm the best.
Get me to the gym… maybe next week.
I hate those types of moms grrr
Old people out of shape realization is a sucky one. In my head I'm all “I played college soccer and was a triathlete. None of those Nancy Boys can keep up with me.” Then I crawl home and lay on the couch all day from fatigue. Sux
What's up with no instructions or cues? I'm sure if you would have had instructions you would have been amazing.
i've read about zumba on blogs, but now ive GOTS TO TRY IT. awesome post. just awesome
I need to Zumba with you. From the sounds of it, you'll definitely make me look good.
Zumba…I'm not coordinated enough for Step or aerobics or anything like that. I'll stick to my treadmill and elliptical.
Gawd, I took tap when I was 40, and learned then that my momma didn't waste any money on dance lessons for me when I was little for a reason… I actually loved it, but was so mediocre at it, it permanently damaged my ego AND my id. And damaging an already damaged ego and id is not a good thing. It doesn't twist it back into shape– it mangles it to unrecognizability!
Don't get me started on the monster. I took a “Zumba for beginners” class, so I could get the moves down before I rocked the regular Zumba class. The beginner class was FILLED TO THE BRIM with gray hairs, but not even the cool gray hairs, the totally out of shape gray hairs that can't move. Here's the thing, the not cool, can't move gray hairs worked the Zumba WAY better than I could. My friend that was with me, gave up after about 3 minutes. I, unfortunately, had to stick it out and be totally slammed by the gray hairs that rocked it because my girlfriend was teaching the class and would have called me out. Never been back.
No seriously? You described my first 3 months of taking Zumba. I was seriously pissed that I wasn't keeping up with all the old broads, but one day I just got it and started looking awesome and shoulder-shimmied my way up to the front row where everyone could watch my awesomeness. But it was there where I could actually SEE myself in the mirror and I realized I needed to just migrate on back and hang with all the other 25 year olds who can't keep up. We're all uncoordinated together now and love it.
Also lost 10 pounds doing it for a month, so I can't reaaaaally complain.
Zumba classes vary a lot according to your teacher. I had one teacher for a class last year who was AWESOME. He kept going with the songs but still found a way to give instructions to help people get it. Doing it this way, I was awesome, easily the best in the class.
Now I went to take a class with a different teacher and I just got back… and I am really effing pissed. In my opinion, dancing in front of a class with NO verbal interaction is NOT being an instructor. The sad thing is almost everyone in the class (of about 50 people) was SUCKING except for 2 people who were probably friends of the instructor and helped her make the routine.
It is very disheartening to me for a teacher not to notice or even care that no one in the class is doing it right. At that point, it is NOT you. It's them. After class I went and told her that I needed to know when the other teacher was teaching because she basically wasn't doing any instructing in the class and didn't seem to care that no one was doing it right.
Then she's like “Oh I'm not offended.” Maybe I'm crazy but I was offended that she said that. I wanted to say, “It's not about you being offended, you dumbass. It's about you sucking at your job and maybe you should do something about it.” GRRR… I found this blog by googling “my zumba teacher sucks” lmao…
So I was looking through old pics and saw how I used to have the skinnies and then I read your post so now…crap. I have to go work out. It's like the universe is tell me something. Bah!
The universe is trying to tell me something. I am sitting on my ass (again) watching The Bach, noticing how all the airhead bimbos have a super case of the skinnies.
Then I read your blog (again) and it reminds me of the time I went to line dancing class with Nan at the SENIOR CENTER. We are talking broads who are too old to go to the gym now and order life insurance from the oatmeal guy. So being the best granddaughter ever, I got with Nan to line dancing class. She, of course, convinces me to get up and join the group.
I can NOT keep up.
These women remember the 1800's, but not what they ate for breakfast. They have hip replacements and false teeth.They have been carrying AARP cards since they invented paper. And they are dancing my (previously) skinny ass all over the Neshaminy Senior Center “Gym”. Em. Barrasing.
In conclusion, I think the universe wants me to get up and get my ass moving. But the universe will have to wait until Jake gives out the rose.
Take that universe. Thanks A, for sharing yet another amazing story.
Okay, Zumba just exploded on to our campus. From what I hear, it's being taught super cheesy here. So, if you want, you could tell people that is was just way too lame for you.
I mean, that's probably true anyway, right?
Dumbass vacuum cleaner.
Thank you for crossing ZUMBA off my bucket list. It was 10,235th, but it's SO off now.
I read the rules and I have taken an oath to try and abide, I will have to take off my word verification, because I love me some MODG comments.
Also, thank you for clearing up Zumba. This one annoying broad on my facebook is constantly talking about it on her status.
My work friend wants me to join the gym she joined. I'm not on board yet. I will have to feel bad about not working out if I'm actually paying for a gym. Grrrrr.
Ps. Zumba is the ideal place to rock the blue hair!
1. I want to Zumba, but am too poor to go to the gym… I should buy a video… then I can Zumba all alone and no one can see me trip and fall on my face.
2. Once, a long, long time ago (last year cough) I found a Richard Simmons video (and by video I mean VHS bahahahaha, and by found I mean I dug it out of my stuff that I bought on the television) so I put it in and did the Latin dance video… and he and the old and fat ladies on that video kicked my… well, they weren't very nice.
Now I hate Richard Simmons. JS
LOL YOU ARE SOOO FUNNY!!!!
just kidding. i read this earlier and didn't comment for some reason, so i came back JUST to comment. i can't zumba because i fall on my face walking in my kitchen. i do love me some bodypump. and i was dancing in my livingroom tonight for manfriend…he didn't find it entertaining, but the dog did.
Whatever, will it give me a case of the thins?
I've been wondering WTF Zumba was, but I feel too cool to ask or google, so I'm glad you're here for these things.
I thought that dance was called the Roomba, but then, that might actually be a sweeper monster that runs by itself because it seriously knows where all the shit on your floor is. I would have thought that would have been called Zumba. Wow, i think i got ahead of myself there…
But you did better than me cuz i'd have been hovering in the back corner smoking a cigarette after about 5 minutes of that torture.
And i hate that girl up front too, what a bitch.
Zumba is on the list of shit I'm absolutely never trying. Although I really need a vacuum.
From what I know of Zumba, its a workout for fat/old people. Like walking. Ever see anyone young or skinny WALKING on the boardwalk when other people are RUNNING? NO. If you want to eat like a beast (i made magic cookie bars four days ago and have been eating them out of the freezer at night) you gotta really work out.
For some reason I had to post with google cause it wasnt working using openID, but I am really sketch42.
That's cute, there's an old lady getting down. If that isn't motivation, what is?
-Paul
http://www.mostlygrocery.com
Well, Zuma sounds terrific to me:D
Most of the people in my classes have not been fat or old. However, without an instructor who INSTRUCTS, we all suck. Hence why I am switching instructors to one that understands there is more to teaching a class than randomly dancing in the front and never opening your mouth.
I took a Zumba class once..and will never do it again! The instructor was a chubby asian lady who barely spoke english and had the rhythm of a flea. It was painful and hilarious all together. After that class I swore I would never attempt it AGAIN!
Have a nice day!
xo
Blair
I heard that it was so much fun!!
Amazing! I love zumba! It makes me feel like I'm full Mexican and not just half. Go get em girl AY YA YAY!
<3
Ha! Never heard of it…I hate goody know it all suck up girls. They piss me off. Haha. I'm sure you'll one up her the next time
absolutely hilarious! Thanks for making me laugh