There are a lot of people in my life who have majah poop issues. I am not one of them. But I hear a lot about poop in my day to day. Jealous? So my one special poop friend is all pretty and blonde and cute and you would never know it, but she claims to carry 4 days worth of poop around in her middles always. She says this is the bane of her existence. Well this morning she tells me on Saturday she’s getting it all super duper suctioned out of her butt hole, Ben Affleck style in a spa.
WAIT. WHAT? Poop? Spa? Like sucked through a tube into a plastic bucket on the flo’? Sickness. She says that it’s totally natural and healthy and they have promised her to suck out not only old crusty poop from her innards but also PARASITES who live in her body and have camped out all Bachelor style in a tent with 7 other female parasites waiting for roses, in her intestines. They also tell her she will look like she has lost 10 lbs. Let’s be honest, that’s the real reason why we’re all interested in this to begin with. The skinnies.
So when I had lasers done to the vag hair hole, I was all…where is the robot who I have to spread for? Because if you think I’m sitting naked, frog leg style for some 23 year old fresh out of nursing school, you are a fool’s fool. Well I was the fool’s fool because that’s exactly what I did and so will my poop friend. This nonsense takes place in a “spa” and some nurse named Tina is going to stick a tube up her butt hole in plain sight and she has to sit there for like an hour with the butt fluids in her until they suck it all out and stare it. I’m sure Tina is super satisfied with her career. And a poop sucking center was never a spa.
Poop friend is all, I’m gonna come in on Monday and be so skinny and hot and you’re going to be so jealous. Poop friend is also uncomfortably into vampires so I think she thinks some creepy twilight sparkle transformation is going to happen where her skin is a diamond and her hair grows and she turns into the total package right before our eyes. She’s crazy. Or is she?
Maybe she’s right. Maybe I have some parasites in me that are holding me back from my true potential. Maybe if I got them sucked out I could be famous and queen of charms. Maybe people sense my parasites like in some primal way without either of us knowing and that’s the only reason why great opportunity has passed me by. Not maybe, definitely.
Poop friend will report back on Monday and I will update you all. I may be next. I’m sure you’ll want pictures.
Good lucky poopy.
You should all know that Sarah swears on her navy and olive wedding that she only poops once a month! That is 12 times a year. Like a brown period. She thinks this is normal. I think she’s dying and I’m worried for her.