Yesterday my cats had dental surgery. Swears. Their breath smelled like a fish who ate an armpit and the vet was like, they are gonna fall over dead from infection if you don’t give them super maximum cat dental surgery for 1 billion dollars immediately.
So I emailed smart Vet friend Michelle for a 2nd opinion.
Me: Vet friend, please tell me this is bullshit and I don’t have to spend 1billion american dollars on cat teeth.
M: It’s not bullshit, it’s real and they will straight up die if you don’t.
Me: FOR REALS? But they are my special babies!
M: Yes, they will get infections and die and you will be so sad
Me: Oh man.
M: So you better do it.
Me: Ok vet friend. Ok. I will do it.
Well as much as B loves his cats he was not so down with the cat teeth plan. Here’s the thing. B has been all laughy jokey for years about how when we got them and the cat lady was like here’s an F-ing cat toothbrush to clean their teeth. B was like, what a crock of bullshit mixed with crazy! Who brushes cats teeth? Not us.
Well, B has learned a serious lesson. Brushing cats teeth saves you a billion dollars.
Me: B, you hate our cats and they will die. Michelle said so.
B: I love our kitties.
Me: No you don’t, you love your money more and their blood will be on your hands
B: **sads**
Me: I’m not kidding they are our special love babies sent from god and the clouds
B: You are right we must give them dental health!
Me: Agreed.
So yesterday they had their scary cat teeth procedure and now their pupils are dilated from the anesthesia and they look like cat aliens from space. I’m pretty sure if I stare into them they will drink my brain. I’m afraid to take a real camera picture of their little eyes for fear of explosion or general cat freak out, so I drew one for you.
They are so freaked out and doing weird things like staring close range at the wall for 2 straight hours. Now we have to give them special medicine for 2 weeks in their throats and also wash their mouths out with CAT MOUTHWASH. Cats totally love things squirted at them as much as a white bathingsuit loves a period. So that’s gonna be super awesome for everyone involved.
But we love them and will do anything for them. Go ahead and call me a cat lady. Call B a cat lady too, we don’t care. Actually, please call B a cat lady. I will pay you in gum.
Super get well hearts to Charlie and Willy. We will totally spend a billion dollars on your fish stained tiny teeth because you are magical beings who are both Asian and psychic.
Feel free to make my cats get well cards and send them to my email.
NO TOILETS. We are all very tired of the toilets.
The internet psychic says you would like this too:
Hi I’m MODG. But you can call me MODG. You say it like Modg, like a Grandma name. Not like M.O.D.G. That’s a lot of syllables and I don’t have that kind of time. 
{ 61 comments… read them below or add one }
Are they going to have super white movie star smiles now? Because that would make a funny picture. Just sayin'
I'm so happy to hear that your kitties are not gonna die! I would spend a billion dollars too if the vet told me my little Mia was about to croak! I love me some Mia. Maybe I should invest in that kitty toothbrush before I too have to get dentures for my cat! Hang in there while you're nursing the babies back to health!
As a devout dog person let me be the first to say:
“The Hell..?”
I often think about the things I could spend money on if I didn't have a kid. Usually, I think about shoes. Thanks for making me feel better.
i had to do the same thing with my dog's teeth a year ago. it costs a billion dollars too.
Don't feel bad. Dogs are expensive too. Feel better Charlie & Willy!! Magical glitter kitty XOXOs!
awww I hope the little babies feel better. We would totally do that for our dog so I get where you are coming from.
The pics are hilarious.
Feel better, Willy. I hope this teaches you to be a little more self-sufficient, Charlie.
(Your drawings make me confused because it makes it seem like Willy and Charlie are twinsies.)
Poor sad kitties!
We have had to do that too. Make sure they get all the yucky teeth at one time. Our cat had one tooth that “possibly” needed to come out, so they (husband and vet) decided to try to SAVE it. Like it was a limb or something.
Sure enough, 3 months later, ANOTHER expensive tooth surgery. Because as you mentioned, cats really prefer you not mess with their little faces and force stuff in there. As evidenced by the screaming raging claw slashing ball of pretty fluff.
Get better soon kitties!!!
Dude, what kind of pussy do you own? I've got two and I've never had to brush their teeth, and they haven't dropped dead yet. They also don't have ass breath either, so maybe they're special?
Wow, you married someone SO much nicer than I am.
I only married my husband with one HUGE condition: No animals, ever, especially cats cause they are the most stupid of all.
I know, I'm evil.
How long has it said “That's what she said” up there?! HAHHAHA
Poor kitties. (Even though I'm not the biggest cat fan). I will have to learn to be.
My doggy, (when she was still around) also had to have teeth taken out. He breath was foul like a pile of dead babies. Everyone should brush.
I think cats would absolutely totally love having their teeth brush about as much as a rectal exam. I imagine there would be a lot of scratching. And cat scratches can jack you up.
My dog didn't mind having her teeth brushed because she was all about any kind of attention.
Ha ha, this made me laugh out loud. I love their dilated pupils!
I'm more of a dog person, but I know that I would spend whatever I had to in order to keep my pup healthy.
Get well soon, kitties!
Ha ha, this made me laugh out loud. I love their dilated pupils!
I'm more of a dog person, but I know that I would spend whatever I had to in order to keep my pup healthy.
Get well soon, kitties!
your artistic capabilities are amazing. please draw more!
Poor kitties. Can they get annual teeth cleanings? My dog gets those under sedation and while she doesn't particularly enjoy it, I enjoy only forking over $80 a year instead of one billion at any given time.
I love your cat drawings, especially the death teeth… Do more drawings!!!
I looked in my dogs mouth last night and realized I may need to spend billions on dog teeth surgery sometime soon. Saddies. Guess that will mean less booze and food for me. Double saddies.
Best wishes to your cat friends and their shiny teeth.
As you know, I'm not a big fan of cats (despite my name) but I am a fan of good pet hygiene. I bought our spoiled rotten pups a doggy toothbrush and toothpaste for like $10 some time ago but every time I try to brush their teeth, the toothbrush freaks them out and the toothpaste is all good and shit so they just want to eat it. $10 is much better than $1 billion. You think just eating the toothpaste will keep them from dying from some crazy mouth infection?
I hate cats. But I love your cats because you love them and I don't want them to die.
I hope they got some whitening done while they were in.
P.S. My youngest sister that I never speak of is a vet. That bitch knows every procedure that you absolutely have to have done or your animal will die immediately. Vets are as bad as lawyers.
P.P.S. My other sister is a lawyer.
Hugs to Charlie and whats-his-face.
Poor Charlie and Willie. Now this freaks me out, my Angus is getting bad breathe – I shall start brushing his teeth now!
Is it Trident Layers gum? I don't want to be paid in that shizz – I will call B the Cat Lady but only for Orbit Sweet Mint. I'm addicted.
I hope the boys get well soon – and I love your drawings. I shall discuss get well cards with Angus when I get home. I need his input so as not to offend Charlie or Willie.
You are great cat parents B and A! ox
I haven't taken my cat to the vet in over a year. Who knows whats crawling around inside him. I'm a bad mom *sad face*
Don't feel bad SG… I haven't taken my cat to the vet in about 4 years… maybe that's why she's been trying to kill me lately.
MODG, my cat says to tell your cats to get well soon. *meow*
humans babies, cat babies, dog babies…THEY YOU'RE BABIES! You'll do what it takes to keep them happy and living.
Glad to hear they're not gonna die.
You'll be back to frivolous spending in not time! ;P
OH NO!!! Super sads!! It is the WORST when your animal baby is sick. And people who don't have animals or have rotten children just don't understand.
And I am so sorry about the cat mouthwash. That is fucked up, but I certainly hope you take pictures or videotape and let us know how it goes. Especially after they are off their dope and back to normal.
P.S. Also, I hope you sprung for DaVinci veneers. Because I thought you *loved* your cats, not just *liked* them.
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Cat Ladies' Man,
Hope you cats feel better and make sure you call the cat therapist since staring at the wall is a concern.
Truly,
Not so much at person, but think they are cute from 90 feet especially if they belong to someone else.
We had to do the same thing with our cats! and yes, cat dental work really does cost about $1 billion dollars – but so worth it!
your cats look like salad fingers
B is a total cat lady.
Now, give me my gum, unless it's cat gum because I don't want that.
Get well soon, alien kitties!
I will call B a cat lady on my blog and twitter if you send Trident Layers gum.
poor kitties.
Our vet scrapes our kitties teeth at their annual exam each year…
smart Vet friend here. well done A&B, you are excellent cat parents. now your babies won't straight up die. (i totally said that, btw.)
just think of that one billion dollars as your personal contribution to the “get michelle out of horrendous debt” fund.
ps- don't get me started on how much vets cost. DON'T.
THIS MAKES ME WAY SAD!! I hate when animals are stoned from anesthesia. I wish they could always be healthy and live forever and ever.
Two years ago my dog had to have surgery on her leg and because she's half jack russell she could sit still and ended up having to have 2 additional surgeries. We ended up paying $1500 for everything. Tell me how I am supposed to have that kind of cash? Oh wait, that' what credit cards are for and why we're poor.
BUT IT'S WORTH IT.
my puppy had tooth surgery bc hers were kinda like your cats, and AT THE SAME TIME they spayed her. She hated me for a while, because not only did her teeth hurt, but so did her lady bits. Even though I'm not a cat person and i'm super allergic, i'll send them some mental good vibes and hopefully they wont attack!
I think vets earn every penny!
) haha.
Maybe you should get your cats health/dental insurance if you cant be bothered to give them preventative care, B.
Ha. only you could make this funny. had to do the same for bondi earlier this year, only it wasn't a billion, it was like $350. still ridiculous. i called 5 places to get the cheapest deal. he was lucky he didn't have to have any teeth extracted. just 'cleaned' – he cried for days. literally. somehow i doubt they were very gentle. in hindsight, maybe we should have sprung for the billion dollar option.
this happened to naggie our girl cat and they tried to be all, you need to do this or she will die and i was all…why don't you just pull the fucking nasty tooth/teeth out? and they did and she's fine. not 1 billion american. like a couple hundred. your mom.
I'm a dog person so I'd happily let me dog use your cats as a toothbrush. But, hey… a baby is a baby so you do what you gotta do.
I'm so desparate to make billions of american dollars, I've STRONGLY considered applying to vet offices, asking if I can do teeth cleanings on the cats & dogs. But I'm pretty sure you don't have to be licensed to do it, like any vet tech ever is allowed to, but I'm pretty sure they wouldn't pay me what I get paid to clean people teeth. And I'm also fairly confident I'd kill myself after smelling the classic vet office smell for more than an hour. I wouldn't have to kill myself; I'd prolly just drop dead. I hate vet offices. But half the kids I have as patients smell like wet dog anyway so I guess it really doesn't matter….
So glad I wandered over to your blog! So fabulous!
BTW- I wanna see some effing toilets. Now bitch.
maybe if you sing a special brushing song… I'm sure it will be perfect!
hope they get well soon!
I completely understand where you are coming from. I just emailed a cat behavior specialist because my cat becomes a psycho when any babysitter comes close to our house. It will likely be one hundred million dollars.
Poor kittehs.
I'm wishing them dreams of laser pointers and giant balls of yarn that tastes like a Mouseketeer.
Shit.
I've got a dog who smells like a fish who ate an armpit in his mouth. I suspected he could die from it, but now I know.
PS – thought you might appreciate my very poopy adventure in San Fran. Does this qualify as a confession?
http://so-say-i.blogspot.com/2010/03/poopy-part-of-san-francisco.html
B is a cat lady.
gum please.
on a serious note: the cat eye dilated pupils picture almost made me pee. in. my. pants.
at my job #2 we used to have a regular custom who made a career and tons of money by putting braces on cats. swearsies. he said i could use his house in germany whenever i was in the neighborhood.
“as much as a white bathing suit loves a period.” You are some sort of genius.
Who's tired of the toilets? Not me.
(Is it too late to vote for Z-dub?)
haha a fish that ate an armpit?!?!
that is hilarious!
poor kitties. hope they have wonderfully sparkly clean breath now.
what if i email you a picture of a get well kitty card sitting on my toilet?
Yeah, our chihuahua needs 500 million dollars worth of dental care but we are kinda holding off until after we pay off our yacht and French countryside estate and winery. But his teeth are next. I swear.
my puppy brought a dead squirrel into the house the weekend. i brushed her teeth with bleach and almost killed her. needless to say, she's stil alive and has white teeth and it was all free. just smelly and gross and i wanted to die from the smell. she's like a brand new puppy now and all the other puppies are jealous of her white grill.
Kudos to you for shelling out the dough. Or charging it, or whatever. I would have totally done the same thing!
I LOVE me kitties!!!!
My sister's cat is an ultra old man and has the FIV (like the HIV but for cats) and one of his big teeth fell out a couple of weeks ago. I would not want your little kitties to suffer a similar fate.
My fur babies are due for that. What kinda cheddar are we talkin'?
Aw, poor kitties! But at least they'll have pretty white nice shiny not smelly teeth now and will live long times in forever land and B wont haz sads anymore.
Nor will you.
So it's a win/win/loss of money kind of thing.
omg, this shiz is HILARIOUS. I mean those drawings?? gah! You are amazing.
Did your precious babies get pretty kitty veneers??
Feel better little kittehs!
“cats love things squirted at them as much as white bathingsuit loves a period”
this made snot shoot out my nose when i laughed….probably because i have killer cold but still. hilarious.
I don't like cats so I don't care if they have teeth or lives but I guess cause there your kitties, I'll hope they continue there lives.. but I only do this cause of the awesome paint pics.
You are SO damn funny! I get so much comic relief (ahem…desperately needed) from your blog. LOVEEE…but seriously, do you write for a living? Been a stalker for just a month so my apologies for not knowing the history. But you're hilarious and I really enjoy it.
Cats are the coolest. My Halloween cat is in his bed sleeping. My flame point is crashed out next to my desk. My “found him in the Sea World parking lot at 1 week old” cat is standing on my desk staring at me – think he wants to play?
Want to see some awesome giant magic cats? Check out this story: http://www.conorandthecrossworlds.com
{ 2 trackbacks }