First, thank you for coming to my rescue last night. You saved me from the devil and for that I’m very grateful. So grateful in fact, that I wrote you this awesome post of fantastic.
Daylight savings time has ruined my brain and life. All day I’m like, B! its 930! (when the clock “says” its 1030) and then I’m like, B! its 1030! (when the clock “says” its 1130). You get where I’m going with this. So then I’m all, B I CAN’T SLEEP I CAN’T SLEEP I CAN’T SLEEP IT’S SO EARLY THIS ISN’T RIGHT TIME HAS BEEN STOLEN FROM ME. And then, what do you know… B can’t sleep either. And now he’s talking to me about a sore on his tongue and how I’m a terrible bed sharer.
For the life record and internet record and all other records, B is the WORSTESTESTSEST bed sharer the planet and it’s beds have ever seen. And to prove my point, we’re making a chart about it. And the internet will decide who wins the battle of worst bed sleeper sharer.
To begin, please be advised of the following
- I am 5’2’’ and petite. B is 6’4’’ and the opposite of petite. Already, point for me. Mathematics says I am 4/5th’s as annoying as B. MATH WINS. Go ahead, check my work.
- Every single night of our sleeping lives, we need one full boxed size industrial fan on high (even in the dead of winter) and also a very loud and rude humidifier (that really does nothing but scream throughout the night and emit no sort of humidity at all) These machines solely exist in our sleeping lives to drown out the sound of B’S LOUD CONSTANT NON STOP NOSE MOUTH BREATHING SNORING SONGS. I was like, B…you should sew a tennis ball in the back of your shirt so you don’t WANT to sleep on your back and you roll onto your side automatically. Because you know it’s annoying for me to have to roll you over every 30 seconds like corn on the grill. B was all, F that shit. I like sleeping on my back (!!!!!!) I could have said a fork.
- B farts, under the blankets, all night long. It’s the cruelest. Think corporal punishment cruel.
- Now B SAYS that I steal blankets. Whatever. I don’t and even if I did, that is not annoying because I’m so little so I can’t really do any sort of damage. And he should love watching me sleep and thank sparkles that he gets to wake up for just a moment to stare at me resting nicely like in that Aerosmith song.
Ok here’s the chart:
OK friends. Your call. Who is the worst bed sharer?
I’m proposing a solution of separate bed rooms like the did in ancient king and queen times (you can see my depiction above) with a ‘MEET UP’ room for pizza and songs.
Remember your loyalty friends.