People often ask me why I got married so young. They assume I am/was a 1) mormon 2) virgin or 3) genius (the people who think 3 are either 1 or 2). Now in my opinion 26 isn’t super young, but according to that bartender that one time and that guy in vegas who was intent on making me feel bad for contaminating the single scene, before I backhanded him in the jaw…it was young.
But here’s the thing I’ve realized this week with B out of town on business. If I DIDN’T get married. I would be dead. Completely dead. I know. Good thing I’m #3, a genius and not dead. Here’s why I have barely survived these past 2 days.
I don’t eat. Well actually, that’s opposite. I eat everything, but only white trash foods. I’m totally good with dinner being gummy penguin babies, old chocolate eggs and swiss cheese. 2 nights in a row. Yes it was that good. But I can’t end the meal with a salty taste in my mouth so after the cheese I’ll have just one more penguin baby. But then it’s too sweet so I’ll just have ONE little pretzel. And then it’s SO salty again! So I’ll have just a little tiny bit more chocolate egg. And then I fall over and crawl up the stairs in shame and disgrace of my “dinner”. Because B would not have this. And I’m a failure as an adult.
Now I know that if I were single full time, as a result of laziness, and hedonism, I’d eat everyday like I was Eminem’s mom in 1983. And yet we have beautiful wonderful foods in our refrigerator like organic chicken and fresh vegetables and whole wheat everything with a side of Dr. Oz and antioxidants. But that’s for fancy rich people. I’ll have the poor people food please.
Oh, and don’t think I’m going to the gym when I don’t have B’s judgey judgement to deal with. No instead of going to the gym, I’ll go to my bed and lay down while I eat. IS THERE ANYTHING BETTER THAN EATING WHILE LAYING DOWN? …these are the thoughts of the obese. Yes thank you, I WILL have my instant mac and cheese to my night table please. And when I’m done you can call the firetruck to hoist me out of my window and into my condo sized coffin.
Oh other things I don’t do when B is not here? Clean, like anything at all, including my body. Empty any trash (that’s boy stuff). Get the mail (mail is stupid). Empty the dishwasher (no). Not wear fat clothes (that’s a double negative, but I really don’t NOT wear fat clothes).
So who would Single MODG be?
White trash, 2 tickets for everything because I need 2 seats for my ass, mailbox overflowing with Ann Taylor loft catalogues and Bed Bath and Beyond coupons in a permanent cat sweater over a robe, living in a pile of my own stink and filth LADY.
And then probably dead.
I miss you B. Come home so I don’t die.
It’s urgent.
Love
A
The internet psychic says you would like this too:
Hi I’m MODG. But you can call me MODG. You say it like Modg, like a Grandma name. Not like M.O.D.G. That’s a lot of syllables and I don’t have that kind of time. 
{ 64 comments… read them below or add one }
Just when you think they can't invent anything new in Gummy form comes Penguin Babies.
God. I want one so bad.
I feel like a junk food Eskimo.
YOU'D be the one leaving nasty-ass, filthy McNasty grease/trail marks on the walls in the stairwells.
MAYBE you'd fall in love with your/the greasy, fat neighbor!?!?
oh the possibilities are endless for obese, white trash, candy-big mac-eating-while-laying-down amanda!
Ive said it once, and I'l say it again, those penguin babies from Trader Joes are the best! I'm addicted to them too!
People always want to know why I got married so young, too. First I will tell them NONEYA. Second I will tell them so that I don't die. Thank you MODG.
That was so sweet.
I got married at 23 (but I had a baby at 20 so yeah…)
But I got all of that nasty disgusting single life out of my system very early, so it's good.
When B gets home thank him for helping you not become Gilbert Grape's mother
On the upside you could buy one of those motorized scooters to put around in.
Bottom line as far as age goes you were 27 when you got married. I don't think that's too young at all.
I was white trashly engaged at age 17… CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? It didn't last thank GOD – I told him I wanted to wait until I finished college to get married and never planned a wedding. Again, thank GOD he was too impatient what was I thinking? 17, now that's too young no matter HOW much MTV glamorizes it!
I don't think 27 is too young to get married (I have to say that since I too got married at 27), but I am glad you got married so you are here to entertain
I hope B comes back soon so you don't eat too many more gummy penguins. Even though I see nothing wrong with that dinner for a few nights
27 is not too young to get married. My friends from college pretty much all got married right after graduation. So we're talking 22. Maybe 23. To me, that's too young.
Not to mention my two friends from high school that got married right out of high school at 18. (What the hell? No way I could get married at 18. I had no idea who I was let alone what marriage meant.)
My honey is out of town for up to two weeks at a time. I eat cheese and crackers every night for dinner, don't clean, and mope around. Last time he was gone the mailman stopped delivering bc I let the box overflow. Somehow I manage to take care of the pets better than myself, and I only go to the gym bc I'm so bored. FUN!
Crack me up. When I moved away from BF to NY, he wanted to know how I would survive (aka, eat). Um, well, I haven't eaten much of anything with substance. Does a sugar free pudding cup count? No? Hmm. Dang. I fail at normal adult behavior too.
it's ok, I ate almost a whole bag of hershey's cookies and cream mini eggs the other day. did I have a stomach ache and feel bad? yes, but they were just too good.
My situation is similar – left to my own devices I think that peanuts are a fine meal. However, I have a 9 year old who I try to set a good example for. If it weren't for him I'd probably be dead or super obese!
Sigh…me too. I don't even shower or shave anything when Danny's not around. And I either don't eat or I live on toast.
Obviously, being in a relationship is a lifesaver, ha ha!
And 27 is not too young to get married. I'm a few years younger than that, and I'm gettin' hitched this year. You're a genius!
Shit. I got married 3 months before my 25th birthday. And I did it so I didn't die either. Because I don't cook. I would be fine eating cereal, cheese, vodka and Chipotle for the rest of my life. Which would be a short one, which is why I got married young, to live longer.
I got married at 24 and thought that was old, so as far as I'm concerned, you were practically a spinster!
Your dinners = ews. At least heat up a hot dog and some canned green beans! Or buy something! Mmmmm…..Chinee food…
WHat?!!? I would die if I were still single just b/c I was single! I got married at 21… I was just out of the womb!
LOL!! I love this post it made me smile and cracked me up at the same time.
Aww I love to see LOVE. I wrote a similar turdsville loveletter to my specialmafriend this week toO! I think love is in the air!
p.s. I cannot even imagine the smelly farts one would have after swiss cheese and gummy penquins for dinner 2 nights in a row, probs best that B was out of the house for those!
that may be the most unconventional love letter I've ever read…I wouldn't expect anything less. Nicely done.
27 is way too young to get married. Big Mistake.
Also, it's clear you have bad judgment because you eat laying down. Taking the fat part of that out for a second, that is just GROSS.
Those dark chocolate eggs are WAY better than the milk chocolate ones. I'm thankful and a little dismayed to have discovered those this year…Mainly because I ate the entire bag after a night of drinking and just thinking about them makes me want another bag.
I got married at 22. 22. To a 23- year old. And obviously I got all sorts for crap about it from friends but my immigrant family was all like, 'You didn't get married at 20?! You spinster, you.' As a side note, in Russia, my mom, at 24 was the last of her friends to get married and she was afraid she was going to die alone. As another side note, pretty much anytime Mr. B's not around, I eat like this. I'm especially a huge fan of cereal for dinner, like Corn Pops. Love that shit. But for him, I make chicken and all kinds of real pain in the ass to make food. Please don't get murdered while B is gone and hope he comes back safe.
This was somehow romantic. Ha! Step away from the chocolates. Chocolate makes your vagina say, “whoop, whoop!”
Anyhoo-I saw your status on facebook and I think you should NOT change your blog description at least the first part because it is my very favorite on any blog ever in the blog world…ever.
um…i got married at 25, and where i come from (the south) that was OLD. i was the last person i knew to get married. at that point everyone else was popping out babies! and now at 29 and still no kids, i'm pretty sure everyone thinks husband and i are barren and/or insane. gah, sometimes the southern mindset makes me want to binge drink.
also, if i were single, pretty sure i would only eat cheese and ice cream for every meal.
brilliant post.
When my hubs travels I just eat toast!
I've eaten cheese dips the last two night's for dinner. It's my go to when the hubby isn't home.
You know that I'm from white trashville because I was considered nearly an old maid for getting married at 26…
Hope B hurries home before you get scurvy!
I am the same way when I'm eating snacks… I can't decide what I want to end with, sweet or salty. It's such a super important decision and it pains me to have to decide, you know?
PS-I would still think you're funny if you were Single Amanda. You'd kinda be like Single Guy, but Single Girl.
I love it. I'm a recovering white trash foodie. My husband totally doesn't understand the appeal, But maybe that's because he was born and mostly raised in Hong Kong, which I imagine is lacking in white trash altogether.
Yeah, when J is out of town or sometime even just working late I'll eat microwave popcorn or oreos for dinner. At least you added cheese, which has protien. So good job.
my boyfriend works for FEMA and is out on the road for months at a time. when he's home we cook together and it's all healthy and shit (by healthy, i mean there are actual proteins and non-carb items involved). but when he's gone, i eat pasta for dinner. and by that, i mean i ONLY eat pasta for dinner. about a half a box per day. sometimes i get fancy and throw some sauce on it, but mostly, it's just pasta with butter/marg.
the great thing is that a box of pasta costs like $1, and you can eat out of the pot so as to only have to wash one item.
here's the thing…he's going to come home eventually, and you'll be back to eating real meals. so, while he's gone, enjoy eating whatever the hell you want. it always makes me think of being a kid, at which time i looked forward to being an adult so that i could eat pasta every night. in bed.
cheers to adulthood, for once!
I am not understanding the dinner problem. In fact, I am wondering why I didn't think of cheese as the perfect compliment to chocolate. I just ate two oreos (organic, of course, because we don't ever buy the real ones) for lunch, and am now thinking I should follow it up with a mozarella ball.
And why I haven't been over here sooner to get my dose of laughter I so very much need is beyond me… Thanks for that
real white trash food is crispy taco hamburger helper. i eat that when i realize that my diet of sour cream and onion lays washed down with gallons of diet coke prolly is lacking something nutritionally.
I understand the lure of those chocolate eggs. I have no idea what it's like to be alone though. For realz, there is ALWAYS someone else up my butt around here.
I got married at 21 and divorced at 37. Now I'm single and only eat NutriSystem…not because I'm morbidly obese, but because they deliver it to your door and I'm lazy and somebody else made it so I only have to eat it.
I only go to the grocery store for wine.
I wouldn't eat if I wasn't married. So I have the opposite problem. Being married is making me fat. Is that a good enough reason for a divorce? No? Oh well.
why isn't anyone asking where B is???? whats he doing going out of town anyway?
**sniff** that is THE sweetest love letter…**sniff*…I have ever read.
I like the classic white trash food. Make mine a Filet O' Fish with Extra special sauce. Why yes, I would like a side of fries with that. Could you Supersize that? And throw in a pie?
haha 'its urgent'.
i got married at 21 and had my daughter at 22. we are also #3 ; )
i have a sweet tooth like nobody's business! i had starbursts and mike and ike's pretty much all day yesterday and still have some mike and ike's left so im eating them now.
…but wife is here though so i have no excuse….shit
for those who inquired, B is in Annapolis for work. He gets back today. Back to being stupid and regular and normal.
haha! I totally eat worse when my fiance isn't around too. Easter candy binge!!
I'm just in shock that they think 26 is young to get married. Where did that come from?
You would be like the mom from What's Eating Gilbert Grape…:( super sads.
If we were roommates (ohmygodthatwouldbesofun), we would be like the mom from Gilbert Grape together. And Troy could grow up and take care of us just like Johnny Depp.
Because I eat Doritos and my kids Oreos and dip it all in Nutella and wash it down with wine late and night when everyone is sleeping.
Enimem's Mom's diet circa 1983 is the best thing I've ever read on the internet. Period.
Aww this is sweet and hilarious!!! It's crazy how much we can't function without our guys! P.S. I gave you an award today on my blog!
i got married at 21.. and clearly it was a fabulous decision because i relate to all these husbandless symptoms toooo well.. the mail? who cares? mail is dumb, it's all bills and i don't pay the bills anyway. yeah.. bills? who cares? and forget about the dentist. also, i hate dinner. my husband is a very hungry person and makes me cook things with meat portions. i just like cheese. and wine. i'm gonna go get some wine.
i usually resort to frozen foods and sweets when matt is gone too, don't need judginess, haha. but man that dinner actually sounds good. i think there's something wrong with me just for saying that, haha.
hahahaha hilarious post…. i shall proceed to catch up on your posts… and what I do is basically what I do, except for the cleaning of myself… that's for ladies.
Now that I live on my own, I find that it takes great restraint to not wear fat clothes. But even though no one is watching, I try not to wear muumuus. Because as one of your sparkly fans mentioned above, I don't want to become Gilbert Grape's mother (and God forbid there's a fire!). On the other hand, I still allow myself nights of eating a handful of chocolate covered raisins (because it seemed healthier than buying skittles) along with something from the fridge that may or may not have had mold on it. Oh and a large wine. That reminds me… dinner time!
Okay tell me honestly HOW good are those gummies? Because I eye them every single time I go to TJs and I need a good reason to buy them.
It used to be my life goal to get so fat firemen had to carry me out my front door. My nickname in high school was Fatty. You and I are Fatty soul mates. My husband frowns on my eating snacks when I get home from work. He doesn't know I frequent the snack machine at work too!!!!! Thank God for metabolism! p.s. It is not too late to write your Tips and Tricks for cheering up post! http://megs7827.blogspot.com/2010/04/tips-and-tricks-thursday_14.html
Eventually you get bored and shower, trust me!
They make gummy penguins now? My life is complete.
And yours will be too… or either you'll die. Meh. I give you another day.
Oh God! I got married at 24 and had my first kid at 26. Now that is young. I agree though, I would live on anything gummy and diet coke forever if I didn't have to cook for the hubs and the kids. I wish we had Trader Joe's so I could go get me some of those yummy baby penguins. Wow that sounds wrong on so many levels!
Seriously, it's the crazy stuff like, “I'll go to my bed and lay down while I eat. IS THERE ANYTHING BETTER THAN EATING WHILE LAYING DOWN?” that makes me love you. I am pretty sure I spent the first 2 years of my marriage eating chips and ranch dip while laying in bed with my husband, who played World of Warcraft on his laptop next to me, all while watching the Food Network on tv. It doesn't get more disturbing and obese than that.
Are you related to Britney Spears?
I got married at 26 too and couldn't be happier (I like to watch hours of reality TV on end when my hubby is gone)!
wait….they make DARK chocolate cadbury mini eggs and I have to wait until NEXT easter to eat them?!?!
I got married at 22, and I think the friends who try to convince me I “missed out on my youth” are retarded/trying to convince themselves of something.
I got married at 26, super-crazy young in law school land. Everyone else was holding out for affairs with rich partners at super major law firms and Jaguars (pronounced Jag-U-Rs.) I married, also, for organic chicken and whole wheat pasta.
As for Gummi Penguins, I cannot have those in the house anymore. My 7-yr old loves them, they are like candy crack.
1. I got married at 22
2. I just ate 3 cookies and there’s a pizza in the oven but I’ll counter all the junk with a salad — smart huh?
3. In love with the new blog design.
I think this might be my first comment on your amazing newly designed rockstar blog!! Love it!
And this post cracked me up- I am kinda ashamed to say I didn’t know they made my gummy penguins. I better grab a few bags for my friend- she is convinced that someday she will have her very own pet penguin… and a polar bear, and a clumsy reindeer (yeah, I should probably just drop her off at the zoo). But anyway, she’ll freak out over gummy penguins.
Hope B came back fast to feed you!!
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