My liver hurts. You see, I’m in high season right now. For many of you this may be Christmas/Thanksgiving time or your birthday or Flag Day or something lame like that. Not me. It’s right now and I have a Wednesday hangover to prove it.
IT’S TV SHOW FINALE SEASON. And if there is anything worth drinking over, it’s awesome TV. And what comes with finales? New awesomely bad summer shows like So you think you can Dance, which require alcohol for a totally different reason. B thinks I have a problem. I told B if he keeps saying that, I’m going to be his problem in his face.
But really, this week has been intense. We started on SUNDAY with the 4 hour Lost EVENT. Yes they marketed as an “event” and I’m all, Oh man I love events! This is a party! So B got Chinese food and I got hammered. Do you know how much more sense Lost makes when you’re drunk on skull vodka? It’s like crystal clear science.
Monday comes and it’s seriously my most favorite epic time of the year. THE BACHELORETTE. Now because this is a more sophisticated show, this is a red wine only time. ABC gets me every time with their slew of douche canoes. One didn’t have a neck this year. He didn’t get very far. B likes to participate in bachelorette Wednesdays and the douchery that comes with it. And the wine. Lots of wine.
Tuesday is here. AMERICAN IDOL SHOWDOWN. I usually need something a little stronger to get me through this. I like to be full on singing and dancing by the time Glee comes on. And the more I drink the less short Ryan Seacrest looks and the more interested I become in a future with him.
Ok he's douchey when I'm sober.
So here we are, and my body hates me on Wednesday. If someone told me that being 29 and married meant like losing your shit over TV programming and getting SO jazzed about it that you speed home from work and put on your best fat pants and drink inappropriate amounts of alcohol to numb the pain of the reality show that is actually your life and not even dvr-able so you can’t fast forward through the shitty parts like WORK and your PERIOD….I would have called bullshit. But here we are. Hangover Wednesday. And I’m awesome. I think.
Love you tv,
MODG
POSTED IN: Awesome things,Drunk Stuff,I heart TV
Do you watch Lost? No? Do you want to punch everyone who does? Yes? Well thank god you know me because I’m here to make it all real simple like for you and break 6 years of mystery down for you into an easy to follow guide. And then you can be all cool with your friends and be like, yeah I know Lost AND I have 6 years of my life that you don’t. Win win for you.
Once there was a crazy ass islandy place that no one could find ever and it was guarded by mysterious things and if you did the wrong shit or said the wrong shit, lasers would shoot at you and burn you alive or sonar waves would explode your head or something. You need to watch your step.
So a whole lot of shit goes down. Animals get wild, lights flash, shit moves through space and time. Usual mystery island stuff. Then it gets real. And this chick is all, your stupid life doesn’t matter you just have to protect this light. I don’t know how you’re going to do it but you have to figure it out and just protect a light. And you’re all…the F?
Then the protector gets mad. He’s like, always mad and then yells about it. Then stabs things or people or bears. And everyone is like, dude you better get it together like NOW because you have to protect this place and if you don’t we’re all going to die by head explosions.
So the protector is like. F it. I quit and I need some solid advice. So I’m going to ask the largest person I know what to do.
Then after you believe in fairies and imagination and after the island almost falls into the ocean you fly away on your monster and go to safety. Ok here’s where we differ. If the lost people were SMART, they would tame that goddamn smoke monster and ride it off into the sunset like Sebastian. Instead everyone is dead anyway and I probably would have rathered some sonar time travel head explosions than bible study at the church. All Jack had to do was say I BELIEVE.
Rhymes that keep their secrets will unfold behind the clouds . ..
Never ending story
never ending story
never ending story . . .
Love,
Your TV genius
MODG
POSTED IN: Awesome things,Drunk Stuff,I heart TV
Hi I’m MODG. But you can call me MODG. You say it like Modg, like a Grandma name. Not like M.O.D.G. That’s a lot of syllables and I don’t have that kind of time. 
