Why is everyone so busy with holes? Like holes are either super bad or super good but usually super bad even though they are nothing, by definition. So we have a super bad hole right now, according to B. It’s in the ceiling of our dining room and it’s not an on purpose hole. It’s a mistake hole. I notice it while I’m on the phone pacing around my house and I literally jump into the air at the sight of this hole. I mean, no one really expects holes. They just show up. Like ghosts. Except more nothinger. Because it’s a hole. Which is nothing. Let’s explore our feelings about nothing.
You can tell when holes are bad by how much boys freak out about them.
B spent the night banging shit on the ceiling while I stood in the bathroom with my ear pressed to hair covered tiles trying to listen to where his goddamn banging was coming from.
B: BANG BANG BANG
Me: Yeah it’s coming from the bathroom.
B: I know. Where?
Me: The floor.
B: Thanks for the effort.
Me: What? You want latitude and longitude?
B: Is it near the toilet or the shower
(NOTE: These are 2.5 inches away from each other)
Me: What am I a magic hole hearer? This is the best you’re gonna get.
B commences his hole freak out. He can’t decide which hole healer he wants to help. Plumber or roofer? Both apparently are good with the holes and nothing.
Today B carves a bigger hole in the ceiling except this time I think he thinks this is a good hole because he sees a pipe and now thinks he’s a hole genius. But his excitement about the hole was disproportionate to the hole itself. Again, because a hole is nothing. So B is a genius about nothing. You agree with me on this right?
Ok, I sense your skepticism. Let’s list some holes that B came up with and we’ll say if they are super bad or super good or super nothing and we can be scientific about it:
- Doughnut hole: Super good. It’s something delicious when it really should be nothing. Like all other holes.
- Hole in your head: Like you need it. So, super bad.
- Vagina hole: Super good for some. Super bad when you’re tired. Tie.
- Blow hole: Super bad because it’s a rude fish part, but super hilarious to call someone this to their face. Tie.
- Hole in one: Super bad. But I’m not even mentioning Tiger and holes on this blog.
- Black hole: Super good and mysterious and interesting and the ultimate nothing except I love it and aliens.
- Hole Milk: Super disgusting and it’s not 1955.
- Hole wheat: Super good when you cover it in butter and cinnamon and sugar and bacon and honey and nutella. And it’s ok because it’s HEALTHY.
- Evander Holyfield: Super indifferent but I guess I’ll say bad because he’s a hole that someone ate so he’s even less of a something.
- Butt hole: Super good coming out. Super bad going in. TIE.
- Hole (the band): Super stupid. So I say nothing.
What’s fascinating, is that during this exploration, I’ve realized that holes aren’t nothing (except the band). They are something. Well they are a nothing something that I feel very strongly about. So let’s tally it up:
Holes: 3 good, 4 bad, 3 tie, 1 nothing.
HOLES ARE BAD. I TOLD YOU. Wait did I? I forget. See that’s the thing about holes. They are tricky like that. You think you have them all figured out and then they go getting all nothing on you again and you’re like, Am I really writing a whole blog post about air? And then you feel sad about your life and brain.
AND THEN YOU REMEMBER YOU’RE A SCIENCE GENIUS.
And then you never want to see the word hole again because it looks nonsensical holeholeholeholeholehohlehlheoiheohlkhoeiohdslfahlkdjhfalkjbv,xbv;aisuerb;ajbv.
Love you,
a HOLE lot.
(so not at all)
ok i’m done, for real.
Wait one more thing…
EXCEPT that bagel is all "holier than thou".... Ok if I were you I'd never read this blog again.
The internet psychic says you would like this too:
Hi I’m MODG. But you can call me MODG. You say it like Modg, like a Grandma name. Not like M.O.D.G. That’s a lot of syllables and I don’t have that kind of time. 
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
holes in the house suck big bad holes! I hope you guys get this checked out soon. A few years ago while still living back home with my dad, my tub started a slow leak into the ceiling to the kitchen. (The drain area had a leak that went beneath the tub). Long story short they had to rip out the ceiling, fix the leak in the tub and fix the ceiling – big mess. I hope yours is a LITTLE MESS!
Maybe you can pay the contractor and plumber in good holes of the bagel kind
Eeek! Sorry about your hole! Hope it gets fixed soon!
But on a lighter note…..B is sexy
And PS- How do I get my picture to show up on the side…versus that big ole’ M?! Help…anyone??
In honor of Cinqo de Mayo I was thinking that I’d take a shot for every time you said “hole”. But then I realized alcohol poisoning isn’t all that fun…
You are the funniest thing in the whole internet.
*HOLE
Bahaha…you are hilarious and just made my hole day!
I think I read this about 3 or 4 times trying to figure out exactly what you are talking about and keep getting lost, but then I keep going back to the first picture and keep thinking to myself, “Is there something in that hole? Is that an egg? A ping pong ball? If it is an egg, how did she get it in there without breaking it?” This is how I cope with confusion…
Seriously, I’ve never been so entertained by nothingness…ok wait, Brett Michael’s Rock of Love was pretty entertaining but this at least forced me to use my brain by READING, so thank you for that.
Amy it’s not an egg. It’s a pipe. That leaked. Probably leaked poop water.
And yes this post is ridiculous stupid insane.
OH! I totally get it now! LOL! It was insane and ridiculous. This post is exactly what I needed this morning. Thank you for being you.
I feel like I have lost about 6 minutes of my life in your ceiling/poop/egg hole. So now I am super confused as to whether they have gone to a bad hole or a good hole. Oh well, at least those minutes were at work where, if I hadnt lost 6 minutes of my life by reading this post, I would have lost 6 minutes of my soul instead.
Am I the only one who realizes that you painted your ceiling the most awesome shade of blue? This further cements in my head what a genius you are.
Hole-y Crap! (get it?!)
Now you’ve got me completely confused.
I will need to let this sink in.
But right now I feel the strange desire for a doughnut.
So I’ll have to let it sink in later.
Holes in the ceiling can never be good holes. Ever. Because that means that water is going to start dripping from them soon, probably, and then it might drip on your head while you’re watching TV. Or gush out of your ceiling all over your brand new hardwood floors while you are taking a wonderful shower upstairs in preparation for a super nice dinner at a super swanky restaurant. And then you go downstairs on the night you are going to get engaged (unbeknownst to you, of course) and find 1) a giant, hugenormous puddle of water in your floor (which you slip on and fall and bust your ass) and while you are looking up at the ceiling (because, remember you are on your ass) you see said giant hole in the ceiling and think to yourself “how could this possibly get any worse?” (and that may or may not have actually happened to me.)
That sucks you have a hole and the paint is dark too so it may cause more issues then if it was white. I’m also impressed on the full post on holes, very nice!
um…Amanda – B is hot. Fix that hole – whether it’s good or bad, it’s nobody’s friend.
I am totally completely confused right now.
I drove into a disgusting pothole yesterday… SO not impressed.
“Vagina hole: Super good for some. Super bad when you’re tired. Tie.”
No truer words have ever been spoken on the Internets.
Good luck with your hole situation. And reading this post made me feel like I’m drunk, but I’m not. Yet.
Ok holes in the ceiling are really bad! When I was in high school a pipe leaked and made a wet spot on my bedroom ceiling. Then when my dad went to check it out he somehow stepped on the wet spot which made a hole in the ceiling. Then cause there was asbestos or something I had to move downstairs. In the rush of moving I forgot to hide my secret photo album of me getting wasted on a regular basis. My parents found it an were very dissapointed in me. So you should make a list of your stuff you don’t want to forget or people to see in case of emergency move.
thats racist!!
haha just kidding. this is a hilarious and super creative post. i mean i never knew ‘holes’ could be so damned interesting!
That’s a HOLE lot of talk about nothing.
I can’t believe you didn’t mention a glory hole.
-Super bad because if you don’t know what it is, you might look in the whole and then get poked in the eye with a peep. Or so the movies would have you believe…
You just made me realize how funny the word hole is . Good stuff. And yeah, i think we’re all fucking stupid for getting such a kick out of nothing. I mean something. Wait, what?
That’s a hole lot of holes!
This made me laugh OUT LOUD, no lol. Holeholehole.
Glad to see I wasnt the only one who thought it was an egg.
Sorry about the hole but I really like donut holes!!!
Ya’ll have a fantastic day!!