No matter how hippie I get my boobs do not need to be out during labor. They just don't.
Last night I told B that it was date night and that I rented a movie for us. The movie was The Business of Being Born. Yes, that documentary with Ricki Lake and other large nippled women giving birth on the flo’. And let me tell you, going in I was not really biased. I watched this because I was really confused. We grow up and picture Aunt Becky giving birth to twins in the hospital and Uncle Jesse is coaching her while the doctor pulls out the baby (prepare yourself for so many Aunt Becky references in the next few months), which is what I always knew and pictured for myself. I mean midwives and shit are for hippies who don’t shave and live on communes and have long dirty braids and are usually practicing Wiccans. I like Jcrew and 20 dollar soaps and Bravo TV and also really alot of Britney Spears. So why was I thinking about this direction? Simple. I don’t like people deciding things for me. So if I have a choice about my ice cream flavor or my vagina happenings, I want to make that choice for myself.
Now I’m not dumb. I know this documentary was slanted in one direction. However it was eye opening. For those of you unaware, this film explores the inadequacies of US hospitals in terms of maternity care. Or as I like to call it, a lot of scary ass shit. So you all know that a few months back I started seeing a midwife really because I had just had bad experiences with white coat doctors before. But I started to have doubts about this natural thing and be scared that 1) I couldn’t do it or 2) it was too dangerous. I now really think that I most definitely CAN do it and that it’s just as safe if not safer than doing it in a hospital. Mind blowing.
I’m not going to go into all of the details and points that the film made. But what did scare me was how often doctor’s give pitocin to induce contractions. And any contractions that are like not by nature are PAINFUL. Then you’re in so much goddamn pain that you need an epidural. Then you need more pitocin because your contractions slowed down. Then you need another epidural because that one wore out. Then the baby is like, SERIOUSLY? And then it can go into distress and bam, you are in for a c-section.
Some people want C-Sections. Here’s the thing. I scar. Bad. And there’s a whole bit with the bonding of the baby as soon as it’s born. I’m already concerned that this child will hate me so I think I need that. Also I’m really not interested in recovering from surgery. I’m busy.
And did you know that giving birth while laying on your back is like the worst idea since Jennifer Love Hewitt? Apparently we do it so it’s easier for the doctor to get your vag hole at eye level. Meanwhile gravity is pushing the baby into your spine and not out the exit hole. I want everything in creation pointing that baby to the exit hole, including flashing signs and “Closing Time” on repeat.
Obviously all of this badness doesn’t happen to everyone. But I can tell you that it’s definitely not happening to me. I have a general distrust for doctors already due to my own personal experiences and I’m just not down for the conveyor belt of preggos, pumping out babies like a tootsie roll factory. No offense tootsie roll makers. But a lot of this stuff is for the benefit of the doctor, the hospital and the insurance companies to get you in and out as fast as possible. Not the benefit of me. AND ME RULES.
YES I know I know I know that I’m in for a world of pain and I know it’s going to be hard. But I believe that for one day in my life, I can do it. I have decided to work with the Birth Center of the hospital which is connected to the hospital itself. So if something does go wrong, bam, hospital time, like within 15 seconds. I just don’t want any unnecessary intervention. If I can do it, I’m going to do it.
Again, what I want to stress to everyone is only that you have options. I never would have known that I didn’t HAVE to go to a hospital and do things the traditional way if people didn’t tell me (hearts to Zdub). I don’t like stupid companies and manly doctor men taking advantage of my women people. So take care of yourself women people and just know your choices. Spit on them if you want, but know them. Remember, women are fancy these days with the vote and tampons. Use your fancy and your smarts.
I can't see why the hippies would object to this.
I have 8 months left of exploring (4 months now!). Who knows what shit I’ll come up with by then.
<——–Maybe a birthing costume.
Hi I’m MODG. But you can call me MODG. You say it like Modg, like a Grandma name. Not like M.O.D.G. That’s a lot of syllables and I don’t have that kind of time. 
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You’ll do great. You can definitely do it.
http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/parenting/a-crystal-pacifier-22-ridiculous-parenting-products-2071432/;_ylt=AkipMqsng1wfa4OFdYC4QfZ8bqU5#photoViewer=1
Here’s a list of things you will probably never buy. Or feel the need for. So, obviously, I wanted to share this.
“But I believe that for one day in my life, I can do it.” AND THAT is why you will do it. If you think positively and realize it is only one day – or in my case five hours – out of your life you CAN do it. People who stress about it end up with C-sections and that shit sucks!
I totally feel your concerns. The birth of my first child was fast, so fast the doctor thought he had more time and did not get there until an hour after my son was born. I give all the credit to the nurses who were fabulous. So when I was pregnant with my daughter, I’m thinking “a breeze”. I was going to a great hospital, was going to use a mid wife. Well, never plan for a perfect delivery, cause it ain’t going to happen. She was 2 weeks late, come to find out I had no more fluid in me so they would induce with patocine (ms). So day 1 was a slow drip, not enough activity to produce labor, stop drip, start in the morning (mind you, I can’t eat anything either). Start again next am, faster drip this time. I did natural for my son & wanted to do the same for my daughter. Oh, no, that was not going to happen. OMG. And maybe the doctors can’t explain the pain because they have never experienced, but hell, it was bad. Epi time. I did not have a choice, for the health of my child, but if there is a choice, JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS. Good luck.
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