You: Hey MODG, you seem distant and weird.
Me: That’s because I was secretly in Russia.
You: Yeah right. That’s really weird.
Me: Duh. Even doubler secret. I was also in Estonia, Sweden, Denmark and Finland last week. PREGNANT.
You: You are dumb.
Me: Super duh.
That’s right. I tricked your faces. I was in the weirdest parts of Europe that you can imagine last week. Do you even know what an Estonia is? I didn’t. It’s a country. A country that I did not see because I blacked out in it. Then the Estonians were all, WE NEED AMBULANCE. And I cried and said NO ESTONIAN HOSPITAL.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
All of last week’s posts were scheduled and I was actually on a Baltic Cruise with B. We found out about a month ago that B is so rockstar at his job that he qualified for a super special trip with the company and I got to go. 24 weeks preg is a niche niche no go. But 21 weeks pregnant works. So me, B and Plankton all did some weird weird stuff with a lot of old corporate white men for a week. I’m jet lagged, swollen and hormonal. So act like you love my pictures.
I’m going to show you one highlight from each place we went. You will really like it. Just like everyone really likes looking at other people’s vacation pictures. It’s like top of my list. Ok here we go
This is Denmark. You can tell because of the Ed Hardy store. This is also my “I heart this” face. You can tell because it’s beautiful. Denmark rocks times 200. Despite stupid Ed Hardy. It’s full of cool hipsters whose outfits I want to steal except they are all just really wearing rags and schmatas but making it look hot because they don’t give a shit what you think. And they ride around on cool bikes and people take their picture for The Satorialist and they are like, whatever I’m so cool I don’t even care about that either. Go DENMARK.
NEXT.
Welcome to Estonia. And you’re seeing just about as much as I did. So we wake up for our tour. Actually scratch that. B wakes up from his drunken snore coma that kept me up all night long and I just put some clothes on. We get there and the pregnant girl starts to black out. Cue the euro panic. I do the adult thing that you do when you are with your husband on a business trip with all of his colleagues and superiors. I cried. A lot. I was scared for Plankton and scared to be in a hospital where they may perform lobotomies. So they put us in a taxi with no meter that was really just a white van that B swore was taking us to a basement to steal my baby. After B’s diagnosis of exhaustion and dehydration, I slept for 5 hours and posed with my new best friend, Evian.
You can tell that B feels very bad about the whole thing and is very worried for my safety.
Dude. Russia is straight up scary. I can’t say much more because I think they put a tracker on me. They hate everyone and are mad at life. They maybe told us 87 times that we will be pick pocketed and that cars will hit you because pedestrians are stupid. But this is me buying cool art from a russian lady. I liked her. So I’m going to focus on the positive.
Like how B did a “great” job of not looking like a tourist. Even though I begged him in the morning for the sake of my life as I didn’t want to end up in a Russian jail with my camera stolen. He was like, ok no problem. I won’t look like a tourist at all. Thanks B.
Finland I am moving to. So I’ll be changing my PO box soon. It’s like so super awesome. It’s rich and pretty and cool. I saw a Hermes store next to a dude playing the xylophone next to a market of old grandma’s selling me mittens. Yes please. And I really just showed you this picture because I think I look kind of Euro. Here are a few more because Finland is my heart song.
ok fine that’s just more of my outfit. Whatever.
Finally, the highlight OF THE WHOLE TRIP. And it was right on the boat the whole time.
KITTY GLITTER. I love kitties and I love glitter! And it took me a full 3 days to get that it really just sounds like Kitty Litter. And I totally forgot to actually play the game. But I did get a picture on the way out. I could just tell it was meant for special people. The look in the cat’s eyes tells you so.
And THAT my friends, is my secret weird europe trip. For 5 days.
Oh I should show you what 5 days of luggage looks like:
Yep.
Go America.
Hi I’m MODG. But you can call me MODG. You say it like Modg, like a Grandma name. Not like M.O.D.G. That’s a lot of syllables and I don’t have that kind of time. 
{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
Great picture of you and Estonia! My friend was traveling about 7 months into her pregnancy AND she just brought her 2 month old on a 12 hour flight to Italy. Talk about hard core…
Dude? Where’s the PARIS love?! It’s the best, for real, yo. I can’t believe you skipped it. Glad you had a good trip though, looks like you had fun passing out & toting the 95 thousand bags around
How did Plankton like it? Bring back any random pointless souvenirs — because we want photos of those.
xx S
Love the picture of you in front of all those chairs. It’s so artful. And you look so great! Glad you had a nice time and everything is ok health-wise.
Super-trickstery! Did you go to St. Pete in Russia? I’m jealous that as a Russian even I haven’t been. I guess you have to get knocked up with a ginormous baby to qualify. I’m really in awe of you traveling in “your condition” and it just means Planky will have more of a fondness for vodka and dried herring than ever.
I am so super scary jealous. I have been to Denmark, but lust for Finland.
I see you have mastered the fine art of packing lightly! Go you!
Life threatening, dehydration scare aside, Estonia looks quite beautiful.
Soooo why is the Russian lady selling you Russian art wearing one white Michael Jackson glove? I trust you asked her…
You are supercute! Sorry you had to go to the hsopital there, but at least you look precious while going.
I’ve been so busy with work I haven’t been able to do jack in reading my blog faves – yes your on that list crazy lady! I had no idea you seemed distant because my ass hasn’t been here – hey at least I’m honest.
This looks like a whirlwind trip indeed. You look so cute and such a fashion forward pregnant woman! I will totes rock a potato sack I’m sure.
I would have freaked during the blackout as well – it’s bad enough to have that happen on your home soil but in a different country, especially one you were totally not sure of… FORGETABOUTIT! I’m glad you and Baby P are ok!!! ox
Thank you for the photos – this is probably the closest I’ll ever get to Europe. So thank you for the memories.
P.S. All B needed was a fanny pack!
What fun! The first picture of you in Finland makes you look like you are a celebrity!!
ummm… Kelly is right…all B needed was a fanny pack. and a map. and possibly a giant dr. seuss hat like Joey wore in Friends when they were in London.
the pics are gorg. i hope i eventually am a cute pregnant lady. not a gorgon/loch ness monster type. cheers to you!
You are super stealth! You actually kind of look like you are about to get in a fight with the art lady. I’m glad everything worked out though. Cute outfits too!
I like how you go on secret trips! I feel like I’m in a suspense novel and I just got dooped or something, but I like it.
You do look very Euro haute!! Fabulous photos, awesome descriptions (per usual). Thanks for making my morning more bearable with this post to read first thing in the office… 
Awesome trip!! I wanna be able to visit foreign countries someday!!!
so did you LOVE the cruise itself?? my also rockstar cruise-getting hubbie & I go every year. I’m surprised there was no mention of the trolls on motorized scooters that stalk the buffet… I know it’s not because you’re too nice to mention them! LOVE your pictures, I went around this year taking pictures of bad outfits and crack monsters and mullets…
Glitter kitty…LOVE!!
~cm
dang. plankton is so worldly – and he’s not even born yet! he was at a scary euro hosptial for crying out loud (total HOSTEL movie moment for me)! glad everyone made out alive and with all body parts, internal and external. (wake up in a bathtub of ice and a missing kidney).
you’re totally rock’n the baby bump, euro style! it’s the scarf, i’m sure.
Well aren’t you just a cute preg fashionista! Did you pack your entire closet or what? My gosh!
Someday I will blog about my Euro trip.
I love your luggage pic it is my fave. I laugh inside because I know B probably had this open-mouthed-dumbfounded stare when you guys rolled out with all that. HA! The jokes on B! Also, you are definitely Euro-preggers cool. Now in addition to Planky getting to go to great concerts, he’s also a world traveler. He is becoming a very accomplished fetus.
Dude. I so know what Estonia is. But that’s because my husband’s best friend met an Estonian superstar singer while doing the Broadway version of Grease in East Asia (she was Sandy, he was Vince Fontaine). Then he married her in Vegas so that she could get a green card (they were dating and totally in love at the time). True story. I’ve been to a green card wedding. Scratch that … I’ve been to an Elvis green card wedding. Elvis walked her down the aisle and then did some awesome Elvis lip syncing in honor of the happy couple … and the couple, cause they’re actors & singers, actually sang along. A very surreal situation indeed. I’d post a pic if I could. Total sparkly awesomeness.
A) You look gorgeous. B) Super fun super secret Euro trip, even with you know, the pregnant lady blacks out B) Kitty glitter rocks my world. D) You’re awesome, obviously.
You look super cute in all your Euro outfits.
Plankton has it made – all I got to do while I was chillin in the womb is go to a Pat Benatar concert, at a state fair. I’m awesome.
bwahahahaha! Kitty Glitter. Best thing I’ve heard this week.
Awwww MODG I love Estonia, and most def know what it is………I really want to go to Russia but haven’t made it there yet! Next time your in Europe head over to the Balkans! We can totally meet up in Santorini, Athens, or any of the awesome places in Croatia!
Oh em gee, MODG. I hope you’re all patched up from the scariness in Estonia!
I took a picture with the Miss Kitty slot machine on the scary cruise I went on earlier this year. Almost as awesome as Kitty Glitter. Almost.
http://food4fitness.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/miss-kitty.jpg
So this pretty much just made my day. Scratch that, my week. Freaking sparkle awesome to the power of a babillion. Looks like an AMAZEBALLS trip. Also, you DO look totally Euro in that picture, which I thought right before I read that you thought you looked Euro. Yes. Euro. PS Five days worth of luggage — that picture alone made my YEAR. Thank you.
It looks like you had a great time! B is so nice to take such awesome pictures of you (or maybe you just trained him really well). You look super cute and I double heart your outfits. Are the black pants in the first picture maternity pants? If so, where did you get them? Blacking out is no bueno, I’m glad you’re ok.
I was gonna say something witty I swear but honestly I just can’t get past how much freaking luggage you brought! That is all.
Looks like little P had fun.
I am confused- you cant go on a cruise after 24 weeks??? I have never heard of such a thing? Whose rule is that?
I plan on flying to New Zealand at 30 weeks. Is that bad?
I think you look adorable and I loved your photos!
That is so cool!!!!
You looked so pretty!!!
My husband has to go to Japan and I am too afraid to travel there with a baby!!!
You are so damn good looking it’s ridiculous, it’s like you were made to be pregnant! Or something…I realize that sounds sort of creepy but whatevs.
Your outfits are way cute, are you just wearing (slightly ;] ) bigger regular clothes yet or have you made the switch to maternity? I love these photos, especially Kitty Glitter and Tourist B. Yep, those 2 are definitely my faves
Where did you get your bag? I want one.
Holy fucking shit on all that luggage!! You do look totally Euro in that pic…and B’s tourist pic is absolutely ridiculous, and I thank for sharing such an atrocity with us.
That first Finland pic looks like Paris! And you look totally Euro in that pic. If I had seen you walking down the street, I would have totally thought you were a native!
What ship did you go on? I went on that same cruise at the end of July, Russia was soooooooooooooo hot and oh I was scared. We had weird people come on our bus and the AC wasn’t ON. Germany was my fave. Estonia eh not much but thier chocolates were sooooooo good. Finland and Sweden were awesome too.