It’s CONFESSION FRIDAY! Are you a bag full of smiles and jazz? Do you know why I’M a bag full of smiles and jazz? Because 30,000 of you pulled through with suggestions for Plankton’s future name. Maybe it’s because you know you’ll be seeing it all over TMZ in 18 years and you want to be sure it’s awesome. I get that. On to the confessions.
It’s been a while since we’ve aired this bit on MODG so I’m going to restate the origin and rules for the new members of the double hearts club.
1) I’m a reverend. For real. Don’t F with me or I’ll make you clean the pews.
2) These confessions are my favorite comments from last week’s Confession Friday from bloggers and readers around the world.
3) After mocking your fellow bloggers, leave your confession in the comments. If it’s weird enough, I’ll feature you next week.
**It does not have to be about poop. For some reason 98% of my readers have a poop fetish. This is out of my hands. Sometimes the simplest confessions make me pee. That’s your goal, make me pee. And these days, it’s pretty easy.
My Confession: I secretly LOVE being pregnant. I like never want to NOT be pregnant. People are so nice to me and tell me how great I look all the time. They bring me food and hold doors for me and tell me I’m a trooper. Here’s the secret though: I’m not a tropper. I’m actually a huge complainer. But this is like kind of easy so far and I super heart the attention. I can eat a huge meal of fried chocolate twizzlers and stick my bloated fat out and people tell me it’s beautiful. I actually feel skinnier than I did before I was pregnant because in relation to my belly, I look mini. There is a chance I could be the next Michelle Duggar.
Stinky Revenge Confession Meghan
When my little sister was about 5 or 6 years old – she was the baby of the family and a spoiled brat who got anything she wanted not that I’m the oldest and bitter about it or anything – she still sometimes would ask me to wipe her butt for her after she poops (**Seriously how old were you? I would have pushed my sister ass first into the toilet). These weren’t cute little baby turds, but regular child-sized, I eat normal food poops. So, when my parents were gone once, I decided I was going to nip that practice in the bud ASAP. I pooped and called her into the bathroom and told her since I wiped her butt, she would have to wipe mine…she took one look at me and my butt, started crying and never asked to be wiped again. (*Good for you. As a fellow oldest, all youngest should be made to wipe our butts for 18 years.)
I can’t decide which is worse Confession RMarie
One day, while I was in college, I took a little afternoon trip to the Macys store in the local mall to shop for whatever. While I was browsing the racks and sipping my diet coke, this HORRIBLE stomach pain starts hitting me like a thousand knives and punches. We’ve all felt it. I HAD. TO. FART!!! So I discreetly keep browsing the racks, and nonchalantly make my way to a distant corner in the store. I tried to keep walking a little bit so as to spread the smell out among the racks so no one would know it was me. But while I was STILL farting, I pushed too hard and accidentally SHIT myself. But not just any shit. A horrible diarrhea shit (*You THINK this is her confession. I’m going to tell you that it’s not). And it was running down my legs! I just stood there. Mortified. Not knowing where to go, because I’d never been to this store’s restroom. There I was…….stuck in a random, obscure corner with diarrhea shit running down my legs underneath my extremely loose fitting overalls. (I know. overalls. But it was 2000. cut me some slack.) (*And there it is folks. If you would have said 1996 I MAYBE would have been like, ok I get it, 90210 and the like. But 2000 was circa BSpears. For shame.) So I do this kind of straight leg hobble walk, so as to not get the shit all over the inside of my overalls, and ask the nearest clerk to direct me to the restroom. When I FINALLY get in there, get my pants down, undershorts and underwear down, it’s seriously everywhere. After I’ve cleaning most of it off my legs, I realize that my underwear and undershorts (because the overalls were so loose fitting, I used to wear a pair of shorts under as well) (!!!), have to be discarded. So I wadded them both up, shit and all, and threw them into the trash can next to the door and prayed to God that no one could see or smell me on the way out of the mall. It was so humiliating. I’m sure there were shit stains on the back of my pants, so I was doing a run/walk all the way to my car.
Confession Warrior of the Week Sarah
A Greyhound busload of Santa’s offered me weed in a liquor store parking lot. I am seriously concerned about what children are getting for Christmas these days. (*And this has the pee factor for me. 1 because I would love to know the shenanigans that Sarah was up to that warranted a weed offering. I mean to offer weed you have to look the part of the accepting stoner. And from a bus of Santas no less. Yes, thank you. Simple and weird. Winner winner confession sinner.)
Your turn. Think you are a Confession Warrior like Sarah and John? Prove it.