circa 1997
For 29 years of my life, I always thought I was pretty awesome. Well, actually minus years 12-17. Those 5 I wore insanely padded bras, chokers and overplucked my eyebrows and was therefore, un-awesome. But this weekend kind of confirmed for me that I’m kind of lame still. What did make me awesome all of those years, was alcohol. Straight up booz. Yes, even at 5 years old. I’m pretty sure.
I’m not going to bore you with how haaard and annoooying and looong pregnancy is. You get it. But do you know what IS hard? Being at a wedding pregnant. It’s even worse than being on a cruise pregnant. See, I view being a wedding guest as accomplishing a few points:
1) I get to wear a pretty dress and try and out-hot my friends and see other friends and be all, See? I’m hot. It’s definitely not the superior power Spanx and 50 dollar spray tan.
2) I get to get a lot of free booz in all concoctions and colors and glasses.
3) I get to request Britney Spears 50 times to the DJ or band even if it’s a banjo playing square dance band. Yes that happened. Then I get to dance like I’m a paid performer for the Toxic video and not care because of reason #2.
4) Oh, I get to see my friends get married. That’s nice also.
But throw a baby in your bellly and this ALL goes out the window. My hotness no longer comes even close to the size 00 sorority girls who are all in strapless mini dresses in every color of the neiman marcus rainbow/rhoOC rainbow. I am now limited to dresses with a thick strap that can hide the industrial rope that now holds up my sinking boulder breasts and an “appropriate” hemline. People now tell you how “cute” you look. And say things like “wow you look good… for 6 months”. I miss, wow you look good. Period. This is no one’s fault. They are just being nice and nice is nice. But it’s a far cry from Megan Fox. Because I was totally that. I was.
As you may have deduced by now, I was at a wedding this past weekend. And what made it even harder was that it was a GOOD wedding. You know the one with like awesome food and great music, all of your cool friends and TONS of top shelf booz. Booz. Man. At one point I saw it flow straight from the clouds and sparkle in the sunlight down into 100 beautiful sparkle glasses, garnished with pink magic fruit and shaken with hugs. And that booz does so many magical things. LIKE ALLOW YOU TO BE A BACKUP DANCER FOR MS. SPEARS.
So the Britney song was on, the Britney song was on THE BRITNEY SONG WAS ON. And I stood there. Where were my hot moves? What do I do with this protruding belly? Do I shake it? That’s not hot. No one wants that. Do I put my hands on it and move it around? No that’s creepy. I can’t dance. I CAN’T DANCE. So I stand there and I am fired from the dance troupe. And everyone gives me the sad face. And I go back to the cookie table where I’m accepted. But not before this travesty occurs.
It's like watching Tom Cruise try to be tall. Sad and useless.
And there is the realization. I was never that awesome. I was always the girl at the cookie table. The booz was the true awesome. The booz put me in the Toxic video and made me think I was Megan Fox, when in reality I was probably more of a Mandy Moore….I know.
Also feel free to report B to those people who burn witches or something
But this is not a pity party. It’s a pity post. Ok no. What this really is, is a secret message to B to justify the gobs of money I now need to spend on the dress for the ONE more wedding that I have to attend pregnant. And the shoes and the jewelry and the spray tan that I’m GOING to get. And I can say this because he never gets to the end of the post. So it will be our secret, Double Hearts Club. Because in reality, you all know B by now. He’s a nice guy. And he was ok with my lameness. I however am not.
A new dress will make it all better. RIGHT? (agree with me)
Love, MODG
Oh…by the way, Single Guy says hi.
I know. You are ALSO amazed that he is still single.
Hi I’m MODG. But you can call me MODG. You say it like Modg, like a Grandma name. Not like M.O.D.G. That’s a lot of syllables and I don’t have that kind of time. 
{ 51 comments… read them below or add one }
New dresses make everything better. I thought SG was just G now? Did the girlfriend run away? Or did he find out she doesn’t eat her sushi with chopsticks or something?
She’s still around. But I don’t trust him. He’s still single to me.
I laughed till I peed reading this. Don’t worry, I was laughing with you, not at you.
A new dress will def help. New shoes are in order too I think. Really really awesome shoes. You’re pregnant…not dead.
I remember my pregnant lame self too! I so feel your pain. It will all be over soon and you can go back to your B Spears back-up dancing in no time! Alcohol does make everything better. I am also so with you on the fact that going to a wedding makes you want to out-hot everyone else there. I am going to one at the beginning of October and I am working my weight down just so I can out-hot everyone else! It is also a great excuse to buy a banging’ new dress!
You are so funny!! I love all your Britney Spears comparisons ….
And poor Single Guy … I thought he found a girl …… Ya know, if he’s still in the market, ahem … right here!
I vote new dress and new shoes. Or at the very least new shoes. A girl has to have some pretty heels to feel better.
You had me at shoes.
MODG, what song were you dancing too that you looked like a Jersey Shore-ette? Fist pumping? Penn State doesn’t party like that!
You did look sparkly though…and a new pair of Choos will just make the rest of your life sparkle until you pop Planky out and it’ll be back to slurping vodka through a straw that twirls and rainbows will sing your name!
and a PS: what is SG doing? is he getting gum off of his shoe? sads for the S part of his name…
I think it was Mony Mony…lame city.
Also SG is trying to jump over his foot. I know.
SG trying to jump over his foot = me laughing so hard SILENTLY so i do not wake my roommate slumbering peacefully in the next room. SG = never gonna be britney’s backup dancer.
The only thing that would make this sadder is if you were wearing your Croc heels.
I just spit my tea on my monitor.
Embrace the cookie table while you can, until booz welcomes you back into it’s embrace with all the rainbows and unicorns you’re looking for.
Except… I hear that parenthood requires SOME level of sobriety. Mind you, I’ve heard this… not sure how true it is. Good luck!
That’s why you get a sitter when you go to weddings. Duh.
dude! i totally understand. i’m going to be pushing 8 months at the wedding I go to in october. so I might literally die. nothing really looks good on me now, so by october i might just hide in my bed all day eating pringles and watching maury because no one needs to be exposed to the sausage casing that will be me.
-charlie
MODG – as much as I double heart, glittery hugs love you, please do not do that ever again during a Britney song, it really terrified my. Kidding – you look great and not for a pregnant chick, you look fantastic! The girl beside you is totally trying to outdo you, but even with your facial expression – you still rocked it.
Get some new heels and rock that body at the next wedding, a little confidence and you will be able to make Britney proud again and maybe even score a date with Danny Tanner.
One time, when I was pregnant at a wedding, I decided I was going to cut lose, who cared about my belly? Yea.. I totally fell over while dancing.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!
(sorry. preg girls falling over isn’t funny.)
OMG I have to go to a wedding this weekend for a girl I hate… but at least I’m not pregnant and can drink my sorrows away with their booze! lol. I love this post… gave me a lot of good ideas! xoxox
DUDE! Dude. Wait until they all say how good you look for just having a baby, like, a year later.
You could have a cookie in your mouth at the time of the fist pumping. That would make it sadder. Or perhaps just more “Fuck you, I’m preg, I’ll dance if I wanna, get outta my way or I’ll destroy you.”
I say spend a lot of money on the shoes. They will bring you some awesome, AND you can still wear them later.
B casting the awesome spell on you makes me l-a-u-g-h. Because we both know it’s the other way around in real life.
P.S. I stared at your dress for like 11 minutes. I’m not sure I would know how to put it on, so kudos to you for working that out. It’s hot.
HA- single guy, that pic is awesome. I think he needs an update post again….
Hope you survive the 2nd wedding- i am in THREE weddings next year, and if i couldnt drink heavily, i don’t know what i’d do lol.
I had to host a bachelorette weekend for my 19 year old sister in law when I was 5 months pregnant. It was one of the worst weekends of my life. Not only could I not drink, the girls she invited were crazy trash with painted on eyebrows. While trying to convince one that she shouldn’t get in a fist fight, she informed me that I just didn’t understand because I was boring and old. Later that night, she threatened to throw a shoe at me. It was straight out of Jerry Springer.
Seriously, you can’t make that kind of shit up.
I’m sorry you couldn’t partake in the wedding festivities, but hey, you look amazing. That’s good, right?
How do you tell a truly skinny girl? Skinny arms when pregnant. So you’ve got that going for you. I should only hope to have arms as skinny as yours and I’m not preggo!! Also, ditto to spending $$ on shoes!
wait….i thought SG was no longer single!! do explain…
he has a girlfriend. When he has a wife then to me he will be not single.
Thank you for being so funny
The trick is you have to cut people off Them: “You look great…” You: “Thanks” then turn and walk away. Wait that guy is single? No one is going to believe that! Wow who knew Megan Fox had a blog?! 
Kerri
NewParent.com
I just died reading this. If it’s any consolation, you still look super hot and all put together, which I find hard to pull off these days. I just keep putting on more and more makeup in hopes of looking more normal, but it just never happens.
I never knew what a true alcoholic I was until I got pregnant this time around. Last week, my husband took me on a date to a teppanyaki restaurant and we were seated at the same table as this famous-ish guy that owns all these fancy bars around town. Well, this guy decides it would be awesome and fun to buy everyone at the table their own huge bottle of sake. Huge, like the actual bottle it comes in from the actual asians, not that little pansy thing they bring you with 4 shots in it. Anyway, then this guy goes and tells the waitress he wants to buy the ENTIRE restaurant a shot, and he did.
My husband was drunk off his ass and loving life and I was sitting there with my shirley temple. No, seriously. It was the closest I could get to an actual cocktail. angries.
All that to say I feel your pain!
Love this post, and I feel for you, I have been pregnant at a wedding, and with out alcohol, weddings are just not as much fun! Hang in there, and definitley plunk down the change on shoes- shoes make everything better.
Tell SG we’d like a guest post soon!
A new dress AND SPRAY TAN totally makes it all better.
xoxox
You would not believe how much it sucks to be a Mandy Moore. Trust me, I know.
this comment made me say “awww!” out loud.
But, I’d totally take being a Mandy Moore over having my last name. At least you can say you’re the “COOLER” or even the “COOLEST” Mandy Moore. With a last name like mine, I’m just screwed. (It’s Coody, by the way.)
Wait – I’m confused. I thought Mandy Moore was hot. She’s like Girl-Next-Door hot and thats the hottest of all hots right? And at least she doesn’t have Meagan Fox’s icky icky thumb. Have you ever seen it?? Google search “Megan Fox’s thumb”. It makes me want to Vom.
B makes an awesome wizard.
You are wrong about the Mandy Moore thing but right about the wizard thing.
How am I just now hearing about Megan’s thumb? I just googled it and it looks like a frickin toe! She has a toe on her hand! WTH?! I suppose that’s God’s way of saying no one is 100% perfect.
I have decided that you are pretty, hilarious, and cool no matter what. But please explain your clothing situation to me: It looks like your left strap fell off, exposing a strapless bra over your tank top. Help me understand this.
BTW, when I was pg with my oldest waaaaaaay back in the day, we still wore very loose clothing. I distinctly remember dancing at a bar with a huge bump, wearing a long flowing floral top and Barney purple maternity pants. Aye-yi-yi.
i’m SO GLAD I’m not the only one. It looks like the left breast had a “whoops” moment and fell out of the dress! Very odd indeed. (I do like your super skinny arms though MODG!)
I so love coming to your blog! lol
haha i would totally date single guy
Norma you are a sadomasochist
Yup. Buy the dress and whatever else your heart desires.
Wait, how long has SG been just a G?!! I thought he was just taking a break from us. I am so afraid to be preggers but you make it look good MODG !
i am a new follower and you are hilarious. i love it!
Well you may have been sober, but you look HOTT! LOVE that dress – it is sparkles and rainbows and fabulousness.
I feel your pain. It is my lot in life to be knocked up for every extra fun wedding I will ever be invited to- when I was pg with Weezy, I missed (well, I was there but I may as well not have been!), 5 great (aka open bar) wedding. Then last Saturday, 2 day after finding out I was knocked up again (who get’s pg on the first try?!) I was the MOH in my sister’s fab-so-much-fun-destination-wedding in wine country (Cruel!). I have a pic from that one that is very similar to your B. Spears pic above, but I am also rocking a baby moniter (Weez was asleep in our cottage. Don’t judge- the wedding was at a tiny B&B) in my cleavage like a gigantic beeper circa 1999. Hot. As far as booze making you cool- I have the opposite problem- my friends are MUCH funnier when I am buzzed!
Single guy is still single because he’s going to date me. Duh.
THAT dress gives a whole new meaning to “over the sholder bolder holder”, just sayin.
Yeh, being pregnant at a wedding sux major donkey balls – especially when The Hubs thinks he has free reign to get totally wasted for nine months straight since he has a live in DD (sorry, I think we’re talking about me now and not you.) But, I totes know B would never do this to you, would he? If you said yes to this question go buy yourself a pair of Louboutin’s, you deserve it.
I have gone through thick eyebrow years and thin eyebrow years. Thank God I now leave the tweezing and waxing to the professionals.
I cannot figure out the picture of Single Guy, what is going on there? It looks like an optical illusion.
Also your dance moves may now be lame but I liked your dress – way to emphasize the ta-ta’s and de-emphasize the belly.
Am I the only one who still thinks SG is cute? Meh…the cheese stands alone. (okay, I really just wanted an excuse to say ‘the cheese stands alone’).
Also, love your dress. Love, love.