This posts bleeds seriousness. I’m not playing. In fact, I had to muster up all my guts and blood to even type these words. I’m going to start by saying that yesterday was a very traumatic day. Before I go on, yes the baby is fine. This is UN baby related. But please take this as a lesson to us all, that when you bitch about things like “being pregnant at a wedding” and say things like “worse than a yeast infection” the universe says, Really? I’ll show you shitty so you appreciate your worthless little life. And now I have to actually type out the words.
bed bugs. sickvomitcringediepukegagsickcisickjas;bleeeegeghhhhhh breathe breathe breathe. OK.
BED BUGS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
To start, you NEED to know that I’m not just the average girl about bugs who screams and gets over it. I NEVER GET OVER IT. I have severe ocd anxiety that is no joke about any and all bugs. I think they are starting an army of evolved intelligent bugs and will smother me in millions of their friends and family so they can eat for 4 years. Once I saw a cockroach in our city apartment and I didn’t leave the kitchen stool for 5 hours. My feet didn’t even touch the ground. And I cried. OH THE CRYING.
So about a week ago I was like, weird, 2 matching itchy bites on my ankle. B was like, shut up about it don’t be dumb it’s summer and regular bugs like summer. But I was smart about it and washed the sheets. B thinks washing sheets is for hospitals and squares. This morning though, I get to work and see a new flat, red itchy bite on my arm. I do what any human does and google that shit. Turns out I either had Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever or the BB words. I knew then. I just knew.
I called B:
Me: B B B I I I (heavy breathing) think thi thi think we have a prproblem
B: WHAT? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Me: We have bed buuuuuugs! SOB SOB SOB CHOKE CRY SOB And you need to rip the room apart including the mattress and clothes and nightstands and headboard and carpet and lightswitches because I have bites on me and I’m going to pass out and I can’t focus and I can’t eat the food I brought for lunch because I know it has bug eggs in it and I’m shaking and Plankton is scared and I have no where to sleep and I need a hotel and this is the worst thing that could ever happen in my life eveeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
B: ok.I will fix it.
Now you’re thinking, it’s unlike B to be so agreeable. This is new since I’ve been pregnant and he does get my thing with bugs and knows it’s not a thing you F around with because reasoning doesn’t fly with the crazy. Now B did everything right in his search for bugs, eggs, shit, stink, but we didn’t find anything. But that doesn’t convince me. You’re supposed to like see them with your own eyes when you look. They aren’t tiny like you think. They are sick foul creatures put on the earth to ruin my life. And they are just hiding right now.
I went to the doctor who was no help in identifying my spots. She’s like, I don’t know. GO BACK TO MEDICAL SCHOOL WORTHLESS WOMAN. Then I called an exterminator, he told me because I’m pregnant I’m screwed and apparently bug killers are also baby killers. So I just have to let the bugs EAT ME ALIVE.
This means I’m totally in some horror movie nightmare when your worst fears come true, like a murder clown, there is just no escaping. You’re in a corner and the clown is going to suffocate you with his rubber chicken. It’s completely like that.
So tonight I’m sleeping on the wood floor with no blankets. I refused to go into the bedroom to get any sort of sleeping attire so B had to get it for me and that’s why I’m in a too small Obama t shirt and purple silk boxers from 1999. I can’t wait to see what he picks out for work tomorrow.
Now here’s what I DON’T need from you. Horror stories about bed bugs. Don’t leave that for me in the comments. I will scoop those bugs in a bag and mail them to your house with a note on it that says, “sprinkle me on your pillow for good luck”. You instead need to tell me that I probably don’t have the B word and you’re sure it’s nothing and then give me a cookie and and a hug.
The bug man comes in the morning. By the way, if we DO have them, it’s like 5000 american dollars to fix the problem. And it MAY fix it. They are like bugs on the invincible Mario Bros flower.
So yes Universe, this is way worse than being pregnant at a wedding. YOU F-ING WIN OK?
This is some F-d up shit. The cross eyed kid explains it all
Hi I’m MODG. But you can call me MODG. You say it like Modg, like a Grandma name. Not like M.O.D.G. That’s a lot of syllables and I don’t have that kind of time. 
{ 54 comments… read them below or add one }
Not preg, but have a kid and this stuff rocks – non-toxic and pesticide free is good for all involved.. and you can use it to spray the bed, as detergent for your clothes, i bet you can even take a bath in it!
good luck!
http://www.licescabiesandbedbugs.com/BedBug-Treatments-and-Products/BedBug-Treatments-and-Products.asp
*****note to ignore name of site and pictures on the site!
Also, to be noted, I dont think you have bb — but if you’re like me you still will treat it as if you do — you know, just to be sure.
Have you been to New York City recently and slept over in a sketchy hotel/brothel? That would definitely confirm bedbugs as they always seem to have an infestation there. But since you don’t know for sure, I’m going to say, hypochondriac to hypochondriac, that’s it’s not bedbugs. But if it is, it’s probably cause you made fun of that Lilly Pulitzer girl and you’ll know if it’s karma if the bedbugs are wearing ruffles.
Well we were just on that GD cruise on the baltic. Cruises are sickness.
Oh yikes. This is a huge fear of mine – since I work in a school and our community apparently has a bedbug problem. A few of my kids have come to my office telling me they had bedbugs over the summer – BUT they all said that you can see them. They are NOT tiny and microscopic. Sometimes I lay in bed and feel the itchies and I always look around for bedbugs (that’s normal, right?) but I have never found anything. And the other day I washed the sheets and the mattress pad and inspected my mattress seams (that’s apparently where they burrow…? *shudder*) but found NOTHING. So I am feeling really happy and positive for you about there being no bed bugs. Please let us know what the bug people say!!!!
This is a very scientific solution — Irish Spring soap. My mom swears by it. She has it in every drawer, every closet, and in random places around her house. She has no bugs of any kind. It supposed to be something about the smell — it is some powerful smelling s***! I told you this was scientific!
And yes, after my mom helped me move into my house, I started finding half bars of Irish Spring all over my house. And I am pretty bug free too. Coincidence . . . . . .
I WILL be purchasing a case. thank you irish.
Sooo, have you read how much of a problem these things are this summer. I guess a TON of people are having this problem. People are pissed because the empire state building is infested with them. I was reading a comment some guy wrote on a news article and he said the same thing happened like 20 years ago or something and these BOOMS of bugs happen every so often. I got bit two nights in a row and thought we had them too. I think a mosquito made its way into our bed those nights. Ugh, you will figure it out and if it is bed bugs, it’s like an epidemic right now so you aren’t alone!
The video was great, absolutely loved it!
You likely don’t have BB, but just incase, spray your matress with lysol and vaccum the shit out of it (both sides and boxspring if you have one, frame, etc.).
OH MODG… I feel your pain. I, too, am in great fear of all that is creepy and crawly. I agree with the thought that they are starting an army and am glad someone else realizes this fact. Although I think the gnomes are the leaders… I blame gnomes for everything that is bad and unholy (except the fun stuff).
*sparkle*unicorns*and*pink*cotton*candy*kittens* to you.
And seriously, I’d have to just move if my bed were being carried away by bedbugs (as in that clip). You win, bed bugs. You win.
Dude, it’s not bedbugs. Those are magic fairy hickeys. Prob picked them up from the hippy midwife. *Hugs* and *cookie*
Warning: Assvice Ahead.
Two words: Laundry Service.
Seriously, make yourself a nice tinfoil outfit and send out every scrap of clothing for a good boil. And the dry clean stuff to the dry cleaners. And then keep it in the plastic until the bed bug killers get their massacre on. Then you won’t be worried about the hiding out somewhere.
(Yeah maybe this happened to me. I still don’t want to talk about it.)
After dark, turn off the lights and then flip them on and look under the covers really fast. If you have BBs you should be able to see little red dots scattering away from the light. It’s gross, but a lot cheaper way to see if you have them. We once got bed bugs when we were little after staying at a hotel. My parents got rid of them without spending a shit ton of money. Wash everything super hot with bleach, and vacuum the heck out of everything, ect.
In my college biology class my professor told us how to find out if we (or someone we were VERY close to) had worms. That is far more disgusting. Google it, I dare ya. It involves very close inspection by someone else… apparently they come out at night too. *barf*
OMG! I googled it!
*barf* is an understatement…
you probably DON’T have them. however, the bug man will tell you that you DO have them. this happened to me last year in my tiny horrible NYC apartment, the guy came with his sniffing dog and the dog “barks when he smells bugs”. OR, this a-hole trained him to bark when he comes into an apartment, to scare the pants, and 3000 dollars, off of the terrified girl living there. it will all be fine, just wash all your stuff on high heat and dry it on high, that will kill any (imaginary) creatures. good luck!
modg darling-
believe it or not (and i prefer to just go with it), bed bugs are actually really common, especially in the summer. LYSOL everything in your house that has fabric including underneath things, and super vacuum it. Also, there are bug bombs you can set off before you and B go to work that won’t harm the kittehs (but you could board them or have someone watch them for the day). If you set those bombs off in every room (set the mattress and box spring up so everything hits it), and then when you get home, wipe everything with antimicrobial wipes and lysol everything, you should be good. You don’t need to pay a bug guy a bagillion dollars. i’m from the stix where bugs are aplenty (and i shriek if i see them…loudly…you’d think with their super-sonic hearing they would die just from my screeching), and in general you get rid of BB the way you get rid of fleas if you have an outside pet. my neighbor growing up had this problem and this was the solution they used (and we used too because i told my parents i wouldn’t sleep in the neighborhood if there were creepycrawlies that were going to eat me in my sleep… your illustration is scarily accurate).
no worries. B is a boy…make him deal with all of it. and you can stay in a cushy hotel with a spa and relax.
(oh, and use rubbing alcohol on the bites. they won’t itch and it kills the germies)
So my husband works for a pest control company and I’ve heard a lot about these things. You can definitley see them if you have them….he always says to look at the part of the mattress where it rests against your headboard. Also, the only way to kill them is heat….so yeah you could wash your sheets in hot water but you are just as good putting them in the dryer on high heat for your longest cycle. The only problem is that, unless you have the sickest dryer on earth, you can’t put your mattress in there so you’ll need the pest company’s heat treatment for that. Not to make matters worse but they can live practically forever without eating so “starvation” a la sleeping in the guest room for a few nights won’t do much. Sorry to be Debbie Downer….hopefully you get a legit pest guy/gal. Bugs are nasty so imaginary or not I would at least get someone in there to check them out….but if they try to tell you they can spray something on them and kill them…they are lying. Good luck girl!
Finally…someone who might be crazier about bugs than me. I may have made the hubs do a bb check the other day, even though we have no signs of bb. I also asked him to go ahead and spray the house again, just in case. I would rather die of cancer from over using pesticides than wake up covered in bedbugs. But, I must confess bb are not my real problem. It is worms. More specifically worms that can invade your body. Just so you know, NEVER watch that Monsters Inside Me show. Never.
Not bedbugs. Because bug of any sort are of the devil. And you are super awesomesauce. So, no devil bugs. Obviously.
I am glad that there are a lot of people that have a bug phobia! Mine used to be completely centered around head lice and how that-dirty-girl-the-mean-bus-driver-made-me-sit-next-to-gave-them-to-me-when-I-had-hair-down-my-back-and-as-thick-as-a- horse-tail-when-I-was-6!
Yes I am still bitter over this whole childhood experience that I could have done without! I have been hearing all of the stuff about BB on the news and it freaks me out too! So I say – you do what you have to do to make yourself feel better! We all know you can’t get rid of crazy! So you get your crazy to an acceptable level that you can manage, no matter what the cost to B’s wallet!
It’s probably nothing:
1. If it was [redacted for the safety of you and your Plankton] you’d probably have way more bites and so would B.
2. I was sitting outside last night and felt myself get several normal bug bites that are flat looking this morning and I definitely don’t have bed bugs.
3. Your pregnant body could be reacting differently to a normal bug bite
4. I just got invited to my first baby shower and I bet it’s not even going to come close to being as amazing as yours. I’m dreading it.
If you can’t see them on the mattress, you don’t have bed bugs. I understand what you are going through…not long ago my husband went through some crazy mental anguish when he thought we had the bed bugs. I even blogged about it. Turns out we didn’t have them and now everything is just fine. Get a pest guy to rip your room apart…even if he can’t spray, he will let you pay him to check for the bugs.
When I was pregnant, I got what I thought were bites all over my legs and arms. I actually thought it was ringworm, EEWW!, from our cats or something. It ended up being an allergic reaction to the pregnancy and it went away when I had our son. I hope it is something like that so you can just wear long sleeves and not have to stress about yucky buggies anymore.
Thats it. Its time for Amanda to live in a plastic bubble until Plankton comes.
i’d probably just pack up and move if i were you. strike that. just move. then buy new shit. i hear B is an expert at putting furniture together.
Bed bugs bit me last year in Guatemala.
I feel your psychosis, believe me. My legs itch again just thinking about it and I was in a real hotel too, not a dirty hostel.
Maybe you have em, maybe you don’t. Hard to tell if you can’t see them, and they are definitely visible, like small ticks. I saw on a documentary (where I only barely held in the voms) that companies are supposed to use a beagle to sniff out the bedbugs because they are super smart in the nose and can smell your human blood in them. B should look around if there are any cracks in the wood floor or headboard or other tiny spaces because the bugs can hide in there, but the beagle can tell you for sure. And the company should then use super icy freezing spray technology to destroy the bugs because they can’t stand extreme temperatures.
I feel you, I really do. I hyperventilated, bawled and puked. And then again when we got home and was like, “WHAT IF WE BROUGHT THEM BACK IN OUR BACKPACKS??????!!!!!!!!” Luckily, we didn’t. Hopefully you don’t have them and they are just chigger bites from outside or something.
My friend forwarded me your post. We feel your pain because we had a BB experience at a formerly-lovely little inn in PA and we had a similar reaction. Those mother f-ers itch like crazy and you’ll feel creepy crawly for days even if you don’t have them- which of course I hope you don’t, but you won’t rest easy until you know for sure. Potential solution: my husband works for The Bed Bug Inspectors (www.thebedbuginspectors) in NYC. Not sure where you’re located. they bring in a cute little dog who tells you the god’s honest as to whether you’ve got ‘em. There are also heat treatments to get rid of BBs, which shouldn’t cause any problems for el bebe. And yes, the irony is not lost on me that my one girls’ weekend away this year from my bed bug inspecting husband resulted in– punchline– bed bugs. Sucked. Literally. Best of luck- I can imagine what you’re going through. We had a fruit fly problem and a mouse in the apartment on the same day during my pregnancy and I thought ACS should take our baby away for living in such filth.
As someone who has seen a fair share of bedbug victims because I lived in a third world country (really I did) and I backpack through places that have the sanitation standards of a dumpster and hostels that have had all kinds of creepy dirty people sleeping there that I can honestly tell you you dont in any way shape or form have bed bugs. if you did you would be covered from head to toe in scaly itchy awfulness and children would cry at the sight of you. It doesnt just start with one bite it starts with a godawful mount of hellish rash like bites. So I can safely say you probably have herpes instead, just kidding. more likely just termites or scabies. Totally kidding again, sorry. It’s just a bite but you can rest easy and know it is defintiely not bed bugs. You and your baby are safe
OK….this is weird, I know bed bugs are in the news and I usually claim to have whatever disease is popular, but I TOO have a ton of bites on me, and at first I was like oh it must be misquitos, but gd I haven’t been outside and they continue to appear, I just told my B last night, Bed Bugs (yes caps) are a real thing and everyone is talking about this shit and I think we have them. I was also thinking I needed to google my bites. I’m in this with ya sista.
I don’t think its fairy hickey’s. I think its Danny Tanner hickeys. *hug* *cookie* *sparkles*
Yeah my sister just got those too. I hear they are gross. Sucks. Wishing you sparkly rainbows and stuff
You could burn the house down. I don’t think bed bugs are flame resistant.
If you have only a few bites they could just be flea bites. You do have cats. Even if they don’t go outside you could still have them in your yard from neighborhood cats and dogs. So my advice to you: flea collars for the cats and lots of vacuuming, just for a little while.
I don’t think you have bed bugs but my question is why are you topless in the picture? Did the bugs steal your shirt too??
Holy Fuck! You poor thing! I would move the hell out of there and put my house on the market! Good luck. Hope the bug guy fixes it and doesn’t charge you a bazillon dollars and ask you to name Plankton after him. Loves, sparkles and I’ll have a drink for you tonight!
I had a scare too, when I found these weird bites on my son. No bedbugs. Just a reaction to some outside bug. Go figure. It’s almost never bedbugs… unless you travel a lot, or stay in hotels, or let backpackers who travel lots stay in your house. None of the above? You’re good.
So this post totes made me share an emo tear in empathy. This post just gave me the courage to admit that yes I, super cool and usually immune to weird shit, Tee, have a bedbug problem. I was in denial at first. I would wake up with 2-3 bumps and be like, dumb ass mosquitoes. Then I started hearing the news about the NYC bedbug invasion 2010 and started getting a little suspicious. I kept waking up with bites but I would never actually SEE those f*ckers. I felt like I was going nuts. But then one night I randomly work up around 3:00 AM & they were EVERYWHERE. And by everywhere I mean there were like 3 of them, but still! Since then I’ve devoted my life to searching the Internets for answers and here’s what I got:
Most people get rid of them without exterminators. Those heat treatments cost and arm and a leg and are not guaranteed to work. And those bedbug “bombs” that you can get at any ‘ole store don’t work either. They just repel adult bedbugs (they don’t kill the eggs), causing them to go hide in the walls and other parts of your house.
What does work is thorough cleaning. Get a new mattress or cover yours with a mattress cover. They can’t get through and after a while of not feeding (::shivers:: ::voms::) the die. Get pillow covers as well. Put your sheets in the dryer on the highest and longest setting every morning you wake up with new bites. Vacuum your rugs. Take apart your bed and vacuum the frame too, paying special attention to the corners. Spray all surfaces down with Lysol. Seal up any holes in your walls and baseboards.
And since they’re nocturnal, sometimes I sleep with the lights on to f*ck with their tiny, parasitic heads. Jerks.
Sorry for the super long, super serious post. But this is some serious sh*t. Good luck!
I’m dealing with bed bugs right now, but I’m not pregnant so we’re doing everything by the book. I’m not sure being bitten once, with only 2 bites, is enough to say for sure they are bed bugs. Usually you’ll be bitten multiple times. Also, people react differently to the bites, so no, a dr. will not necessarily know what they are. But they will itch like hell. And while most of the time you can see signs of them, you can’t necessarily see them or see any signs of them. It really varies a lot. The bed bug inspector might not say you have anything, especially if you only have 2 bites and that’s it.
besides spraying with chemicals, you can vacuum everything (mattress, box springs, floors) and wash/heat everything you own, then that should help. But you never really know unless you have better signs…. Good luck!
One word for you…. VINEGAR.
I don’t know what kind of bug it is, but all bugs hate that stuff. I say wash sheets in it. keep it in spray bottles as a weapon and rub it on your arms and legs. Seriously. Yes you may smell for a little while but the smell goes away after it dries…. mostly. Use White Distilled. You can get it in gallon jugs and use if for safer cleaning when you have a little one crawling around.
Oh! I forgot! This same vinegar should also be applied to the current bug bites you have. It will give instant relief!
Can these BBs come through the interwebs?? Bc now I’m sitting at my desk, itching, itching, itching.
Damn you!
But really… itching.
SUPER sparkly showers of pink hearts and stars for you and P! (i’m nearly positive that would kill the BBs)
I had lice in 4th grade. TRAUMA.
You need to seal up Plankton’s room like ET’s house.
Definitely not bed bugs. Super hero B would have found them if they were there. I think. Maybe. Probably.
I’m pretty sure you don’t have BBs. I get those small red spots on my legs a lot. It seems I am a magnet for mosquitoes but once they bite me they must think I’m gross because I rarely have a full blown, itchy, lump mosquito bite. Just reminders that I look yummy but am not edible.
My boyfriend needs to seriously read this post so he can be proved wrong that I am not the only person in the world that cries over finding bugs in the kicthen/bathroom/whatever.
I don’t think it’s bb’s… FLEAS!!! Give your cats a bath just to be safe!
It was the Obama t-shirt that they were attracted to! Get rid of that damn shirt and all that hope and change hoopla and the bed bugs will leave!
That sucks.
Instead of chemicals and grossness, try diatomaceous earth. Sprinkly that crap all over anything you don’t want bugs on. Works on bedbugs too I’m told. But won’t harm people, pets, or plankton.
Seriously.
In NO WAY do you have the b word, it’s TOTALLY nothing and I’m baking cookies right now. (HUGS)
PS: I think karma is real
I miss the 80′s! I sometimes regret being so young during that decade and therefore not being able to fully appreciate the rich culture happening around me. *sigh*
Where I live in Asia, cockroaches are large enough to wear pants, and I’m sure they’re organizing themselves to take over the whole island when we least expect it. I’ve never seen one in my apartment but I got a cat for protection (I think if one ever got in here, she would mistake it for a rat and her murderous instincts would be unleashed).
Why are you topless when the bedbug attacks you? That was disturbing!
‘llI leave you with this gem: http://www.watoday.com.au/world/us-homeless-man-calls-emergency-services-from-hot-tub-and-asks-for-hug-20100903-14ryt.html?autostart=1
…he also just wants a hug and hot chocolate! Hilarious…
you don’t have bed bugs.
you have a rogue mosquito that thinks he just hit up happy hour!
Ok, so I have several mosquito bites at the moment. My neighbor is an ass and has sagnant, unchlorinated water in his pool with the broken filter, so my yard is filled with the little bastards. Except then I read this post and I thought…hmmmm, maybe these aren’t mosquito bites. Maybe these are bed bug bites. So I went home last night and tore apart our bed and the bed in the guest room and the couch and the couch in the den. I washed everything I could possiby fit into the washing machine and checked all mattresses and cushions for little black bugs. J thought this was psychotic behavior and kept saying “There are no bed bugs”. I just kept saying, “But MODG says that she might have them and I think we do to”.
Luckily we don’t…at least none that I found. I hope you don’t either. But thanks for making me a little more nuts!
I had bed bugs while pregnant last year and we were able to treat them with the good ole bug killers that knock ‘em dead on the first try. I just had to move out for a week. I suggest you pamper yourself to a nice hotel and a week of prenatal massages. ; )