This post has no purpose other than to give you a peek into my brain right now. Welcome. Bring flares and a first aid kit.
When I was like 9 years old, I would teach my 2 year old sister words for things that were not correct. For example, I would point to a door and tell her that it was called a *clamlicker. I would have her repeat clamlicker while pointing the door at least 4 times so I thought she had thoroughly been brainwashed. Once I was satisfied, I’d move on with my day which included, but not limited to writing in my slam book and singing Mariah Carey in lingerie in front of my mirror. Ok not like real lingerie. Well, actually, yes, real lingerie. My mom worked at Victoria’s Secret and I INSISTED that she buy me chiffon and lace baby doll “dresses” which I know now were clearly inappropriate for a 9 year old. But my mom had bigger fish to fry. Like her 9 year old brainwashing her 2 year old.
I know you’re thinking, 9 year olds should know better than to F up their little sisters like that. But it gets worse. I’m now a 29 year old and I’m worried that I still MAY get the urge to do this sort of thing to Plankton. See when I was 9, I thought it would be fascinating to create a new language and my sister could be the pioneer of this language and society of secret baby language speakers and would teach this language to other babies. I think I saw on Oprah (I also watched Oprah when I was 9) that babies have a super human ability to learn new languages. So I thought that I could be the master of this new language and my sister could be the leader of the babies and they would all do as I said. Then I would be famous and be on Oprah for being the first 9 year old to start a new language and culture. And I could be their queen.
It always goes back to being famous. You know that.
So why am I tempted to tell Plankton that the door is a clamlicker? I mean I’m not 9 anymore. But babies are unique in that they do whatever you tell them to because they are babies and to them, you are god. That’s some power right there. Maybe that was actually my 9 year old goal, power.
How can I turn this power from evil into good?
Do normal people F with their own kids? I mean they have to right?
Are you going to call child protective services on me?
*I just re-read this post and clamlicker is not meant to be sexual. It’s really what I said at 9 years old. In my lingerie.
Welcome to my brain.