If I went to some blog and read some skinny bitch talk to me about how she’s sooo skinny and losing weight was sooo easy after her baby and that I should be sooo jealous, I would punch that blog in the boobs. For real. So that’s not what’s going to happen here my friends. We’re going to keep things correct and I’m going to level with you about fat stuff.
First, I am not showing you before and after pictures from fatness to skinniness. That’s lame and drop kickable behavior. But I will be totally honest with you about gaining the weight, losing most of the weight, and where things are now with my body both physically and geographically. Like, where my boobs geographically lay on my body now. Hint: birds at least come back north after the winter. But there are some things I think I did right to *not* make me a milk spurting cow after baby g arrived. And if you’re like me, which you are, nothing is more important than skinny. Nothing.
Stuff about Skinnies and how I’m on the road there:
1) Luck. I know that’s a giant acid warhead to swallow, but I’m not going to be all, I’m so smart and skinny and did this all on my own. No. I’m lucky that I gained all my weight in my belly, where the baby lived. And I’m lucky that when the baby came out, so did most of the weight. I didn’t have one of those ass fattening pregnancies. And that my friends is seriously luck. If you’re looking for some luck, I recommend a healthy diet of lucky charm cereal marshmallows.
2) Breastfeeding. I know, that’s a big duh. But that extra 500 calories a day is a boat load of candy that I can eat. Or an imaginary trip to the gym (the best kind). If you can breastfeed, do it. It’s a big commitment, but so is gasping for my last dying breath on a treadmill. I’ll take sitting on a couch with the real housewives and a naked boob instead.
3) Sick. I was so sick. The week before I had baby G, B passed his super gross green snotty cold to me. Turns out having a baby is a big deal on your immune system. Especially when they have to cut it out of you. All of my heal cells went to my lady parts and my cold turned into a disease blizzard. I seriously haven’t been that sick in 100 years. I coughed so much that I bruised a rib, which hurt for a full month. What comes with cold? Lack of appetite. Now if I had a choice, I’d have rather NOT had this cold, but it did add to skinnies and I have to be honest about it.
4) Preg behavior. While I was pregnant, I actually acted smart. I went to the gym about 3 times a week and also did a preg workout video. I was only doing light stuff like elliptical, which is basically walking, with help from a machine. But I did work up a sweat so I wasn’t a total sloth for 9 months. I think this helped. However, I did eat cinnamon buns and soft pretzels hourly. I know, you can just hate me for that one. It’s fine.
5) Now….pregs, listen closely because this a way you can throw money at the problem, which is always my first choice. The Belly Bandit. It’s basically a corset, married to a girdle, with velcro. Kourtney Kardashian told me about it, so it was obviously a must have. You wrap it around your soft pooch literally the day after the baby pops out. I waited about 4 days, but I could have started wearing it sooner. It shrinks your uterus back to place and it seriously works. Day 4 I couldn’t fit it around me. Day 20 it was too big. Now you have to wrap that shit TIGHT. Think butch lesbian with an ace bandage tight. But it actually feels good. Bonus is it gives you a flat tummy appearance when you put a sweater over it. You wear it at ALL times except in the shower. I got the size small and should have then also bought the XS but I got poor and lazy. HEY BELLY BANDIT PEOPLE, send me the XS for this super great endorsement. Hearts to this product.
So that’s my story. But for real, I’m still not back to where I was pre pregnancy. I am STILL IN MATERNITY JEANS. Do you hear that world? And I’m totally ok with it because it took me 9 months to gain 40 lbs and it’s going to take more than 7 weeks to get it all off. And I should probably go to the gym. Whatever.
Also maternity jeans 4 life. They are the shit’s rainbow.
Go forth and be skinny.