Hey hos. Let’s go.
Guess what? It’s world breastfeeding week. That’s where everyone in the world has to find a lactating breast and take a drink. Hooray!
In honor of this week of boobs, I wanted to 1) draw you a picture of boobs
and 2) talk about my experience with breastfeeding and the 10 hidden benefits of breastfeeding that you don’t read about in Lucky Magazine. I know, I didn’t see any in there either. Weird.
As many of you know, breastfeeding was challenging for me. What you may not know is that I’m a whiny bitch (ok you know that too) and that breastfeeding is actually challenging for like, everyone. I didn’t know this until I went to a breastfeeding support group and found many people with way worse stuff about their boobs than mine. The crazy thing is that everyone thinks that they are the only one with broken boob holes, when in reality, no one knows what they are doing and it’s not natural. You need support and help to get the milk hole to work right.
So I would encourage everyone to give boob squirts a shot. And you’ll probably need a wise old lady to show you how. It’s fine.
So here are the 10 things that people didn’t tell me about breastfeeding that is unicorn strength awesome.
You get to buy new clothes, like v-necks which make your boobs more reachable. Ok you don’t HAVE to, but you can tell your husband that you HAVE to and he’s like, “well what do I know about breastfeeding? Sure honey go get new clothes”. And if he doesn’t believe you, just highlight this sentence on this blog and show it to him. Tell him that I’m a doctor of milk. Ok here’s the husband sentence:
*When you are breastfeeding, it is physically mandatory that you buy at least 10 new shirts that accommodate breastfeedings. I especially recommend J.Crew to help with lactation. Cute necklaces increase your supply*
9) Excess DVR:
When the baby is tiny, it JUST wants to suck like 97% of the day. This means that you can’t really do a whole lot. What you CAN do is watch a ton of tv. My dvr was jam packed with shows that I never get to truly enjoy like Cats 101, America’s Next Top Vampire Pageant Baby, and ANY show where someone tries on a wedding dress.
8 Super Silencer:
You always always always have a secret weapon to make the crying stop. Month 2-present day, G cried. He just likes to do it. The louder the crying, the more accomplished he feels as a baby. Stick a boob in his mouth and it’s instant peace and quiet. There is no medical limit on how much breast milk a baby can have, so feel free to stuff his face. Not sure what to do with yourself? I think there is a wedding show on oxygen.
7) Support Groups:
Everything in life should have a support group. Have hemorrhoids? Go to group. Have a bad haircut? Go talk about it with your group. Breastfeeding support groups are special though because everyone sees your boobs. That’s a level of bonding there that is slightly higher than regular people interactions. So naturally the conversations then goes to sticking your baby in the sun to make him sleep, magical vagina lubrications, farts (both yours and babies), and husbands annoying the shit out of you (not you B, you’re a star amongst stars). Then guess what? YOU HAVE FRIENDS NOW. LIKE REAL LIFE FRIENDS. I will be breastfeeding G through high school so I can keep going to my group.
Everything about breastfeeding is lazy. Baby wakes up at night? Boob in the mouth. Sort of tired? Lay down on your side next to baby, turn on Toddlers and Tiaras and boob in the mouth. Worried about how much to feed, vitamins, nutrients, or a fatty baby? Your boobs will worry for you. Need to bring some breast milk with you for later? It can be at room temperature for like, all day. And if you F that up, don’t worry YOU HAVE MORE ALWAYS.
5) You always win:
Example: B: What a hard day at work. Let’s watch the game.
Me: It was such a hard day keeping our son alive with my own body. Let’s watch 3 hours of The Bachelorette.
B: (hands over remote)
4) Clean vaginas:
I still don’t have my period. Just saying.
Everyone knows this one, but it’s too important to not put on the list. 500 EXTRA BURNED CALORIES A DAY. It’s truly the eat your face off, watch tv and sleep diet. I feel like I’ve mentioned tv a lot so far. I like tv.
When you say you’re breastfeeding, the hippies flock to you and put their arm around you and give you patchouli love. And who doesn’t love a good hippie hug. Even if you throw aluminum cans of gasoline and cigarettes out of your car window in a meadow of bunnies, if you breastfeed, a hippie will love you. *special club*
1) IT’S FREE.
You are saving your family $105.00 a month by breastfeeding. That makes you an outstanding member of your family. Now go buy yourself that JCrew v-neck with a side of this and tell your husband to shove it up his useless breasts.