We survived the cane. And by survived I mean, we didn’t kill each other. I *only* have a mysterious small scab on my arm in the shape of Texas. I’ll call that survival. You know, the cane had me thinking a lot about water. Water is basically the Chris Brown of the elements. Tween friendly pop star on the outside, girlfriend beating face smasher on the inside. And after he roughs you up, he wants you to buy his single. JUST LIKE WATER. It’s all, I’m cool and refreshing. See this heat wave? I’m here to help. Then it bores into your house at 4am through your windows and through your floors causing you to *barely* escape divorce.
Let’s start at the beginning.
Friday:
Me: Hi B, so we don’t have lots of foods. I mean we have some of the foods, but not ALL of the foods. Should I acquire rations and sustainable goods?
B: No, the media hypes everything up. It will be fine.
Me: Ok. Smiles and sunshine all around.
Saturday Morning I wake up to this:
Me: Uh, B…what’s going on?
B: I can’t talk. Feel free to consult the list.
Me: The list?
Overnight, B clearly decided that we were going to die unless we washed everything and obtained hoses.
I was then sent to Trader Joe’s for THE FOOD THAT B SAID I DIDN’T NEED TO GET.
Here’s what, internet: B is fairly level headed. Like when we discuss Apocalypse 2012 every Tuesday and Thursday, he’s like, rolling his eyes and doing his B thing and not paying mind to our impending doom. So something happened to B overnight. Something real. And so I start to panic.
When I panic, I become darty and shifty. I say things like, “that cantaloupe is a liar”. I just can’t make heads or tails of what’s going on around me because my brain is in overdrive thinking of what poster-board/sharpie combo will be best seen from a helicopter during the dawn hours and the distance from said helicopter to our roof.
So B calms me down.
But I’m no idiot. Someone has to be on CNN duty.
And so things become happy and drunk and we get ready for bed.
We head upstairs and there she is.
SHE’S HERE.
That bitch water. SHE’S COMING INTO OUR HOUSE.
Upstairs in our bedroom, water is pouring through our window, onto our carpet, through the plywood, through the floor, down to the next floor. And by pouring I mean POURING.
B is getting towels and I’m being helpful and SOBBING.
B: Get some more towels and hurry.
Me: SOB SOB SOB I DON’T WANT TO LOSE OUR HOUSE
B: Go get towels
Me: THIS IS THE END ISN’T IT?
B: HURRY UP.
Me: I’LL GET THE SHARPIES FOR THE HELP SIGN. IT’S ALL OVER.
From there things were a blur. I made a mockery of the wall with a nest of duct tape and B almost fell out of the window and offered to get on a ladder to “check it out”. No B. No.
Did I mention that the water leak started a week ago? The last time it rained? Not like we should have checked into that during the week of hurricane hype or anything.
The water did stop with one of our makeshift methods. But things got ugly from here on out. Facebook said tornado (my ultimate fear). Friends said “sleeping in the basement” (my second ultimate fear) and I cried and I CRIED and I was really afraid. I spent the rest of the night like this:
I was totally convinced that our windows were going to blow in and that G would be taken in the night by looters. I was 20 seconds away from sleeping on his floor with a gun. But I needed a gun.
I never did fall asleep. But here we are today.
Sunday Morning:
And no one died. And no one was looted. And we didn’t lose power. And windows didn’t blow in and there was 0 twisters.
AND G SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT. He’s all, No big deal America, I’LL JUST SLEEP.
And I never did wash any of the things or charge any of the things for that matter.
But we were lucky
Many places weren’t:
This is about 30 miles from us. And there are many many pictures like surrounding our whole area. Water is a mean mean bitch when it wants to be. And when it was pouring into our house, I was never so afraid of it in my life.
Just because the cane is over, doesn’t mean that we’re all safe and sound. Be careful out there and if you think it’s ok to drive through that medium giant puddle in the road, remember that sometimes water will punch you in the face when you’re not looking and tell Ryan Seacrest that you just fell down the stairs.
Be safe east coasters.
Please tell me about your cane experience and/or your almost divorce. Do you live in Kansas? Tell me about tornados and oz. Do you live in California? I don’t want to hear it. We know you get earthquakes. Deal with it.
Respect your liquids,
MODG
The internet psychic says you would like this too:
Hi I’m MODG. But you can call me MODG. You say it like Modg, like a Grandma name. Not like M.O.D.G. That’s a lot of syllables and I don’t have that kind of time. 
{ 58 comments… read them below or add one }
I always picture myself, in my midnight-lie-awake scenarios as calm in a crisis.
I know, in reality, I would be sobbing hugging my cats in the basement. Thinking of things I didn’t wash.
Thanks for the spin, and for not pushing me down the stairs. Well-played.
A. Glad you’re okay. B. The art of you in the night with your cell phone made my whole weekend. I’m not sure that’s a testament to the lame-itude of my weekend or your awesome skillz, but either way, thanks for that.
Barely escaping divorce is pretty much how every stressful situation goes down in my house. I’m glad you all escaped unscathed and unlooted.
Your Chris Brown/water analogy is so full of win.
Just laughed through the whole post…just when I thought I was done laughing at Chris Brown. Thank you, from Powerless South Shore Long Island.
I try to mention Apocalypse 2012 to my husband at least once a week. He fails to see this as a potential problem. Probably because I mostly bring up the subject after a glass or two of wine. Hey, I may be slightly drunk when I bring it up, but it is when I do all my best thinking. I’ve determined that an Apocalypse survival shelter somewhere either in the heart of Canada or Russia will bolster the highest probability of survival based on cross mapping of potential/likelihood of natural disasters & world geography. Discuss.
Agreed. I vote for Canada, because Canadians are just nice. They have more snow, but igloos could be made in an emergency. And you could ice fish. From your igloo, if you planned appropriately.
I love that I’m not the only one convinced the world is ending next year. Maybe we can all build a shelter together in Saskatewan with the other believers.
Wahh that’s scary :< But I'm glad you're all safe and alive and etc. Because it'd suck if you weren't :< It'd be super sad time.
Yeah idk.
Glad you are safe and the current wrath of Chris Brown is over with for you. This may sound selfish, but I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through Modgblog withdrawals if you lost power. It would be a Cyber Dark Age.
Life in America’s Breadbasket is nothing like that.
It’s tornados.
I sleep in the buff. I’ve questioned this however, after envisioning myself running around in the rubble collecting my cats and hamster wearing nothing by my personality. I still risk it.
Stick it to the Twisters and the Hurricanes can suck it.
I also live in Kansas.
And sleep in the buff.
Maybe there’s something about us Kansas people and sleeping naked….we like to tempt fate or something…this could be problematic if a tornado comes along and leaves us nothing but the (nonexistant) clothes on our back. Maybe it would at least leave some bed sheets….
There have been too many tornados near us for me to feel completely safe….I always get that horrible heart racing panicky feeling…..one evening they were talking major twisters, and I made my husband pack up our chinchilla in her cage and our cat in the clothes basket and take them to spend the night at “grandma and grandpa’s”….not long after that experience I invested in a cat carrier.
The chinchilla and cat will just have to get along for the 5 minutes to the in-laws.
I’m usually the one awake in my house watching the news just waiting for them to spot a “circulation” near my home during bad storms. The hubby falls asleep unconcerned we have to haul across the house to get our child and run to the basement.
Glad all is well and MODG family survived.
ahhh the drawing of you in the dark takes the cake. glad you made it through the storm!
Agreed!!! The little eyeballs and mobile facebook illuminated just made me die laughing!!! Possible favorite drawing ever!
Oh you make me laugh. So good.
I’m so happy you lived.
Isn’t it funny how men will totally down play things like…water until it’s too late? My boyfriend did the same thing. He was like “it’s not even going to be that bad” and then all of the sudden “it’s really coming down out there. Maybe we should put sand bags in front of the door (we live in an apt) and get some ice in case the power goes out.” Chyeah…that’s what I said. Things weren’t too bad here. We live in MD. Our power is still out…BIG SUCK. But that just made me grateful for work, go figure. I have air conditioning, power, and internet here. I’m happy as a clam. Glad you all are safe!
I think the fact that I grew up mostly in Florida and we’d get hit with multiple hurricanes a year, they were never a big deal. My first hurricane memory is watching trash cans and other things fly down the road of our apartment and we had the windows and one door open. The only weather thing I would be freaked out about is a tornado.
BUT.. with your leaking window- have someone actually come and look at the dry wall and stuff to make sure you don’t have a huge mold issue… especially if it’s leaked for awhile.
I’m going to have to agree with Sara on this one.
I deal with people everyday who say things like “We had some water come in last week/a few months ago/sometime last year, and my husband put a fan on it and dried right up but now it smells to holy hell and my kid won’t stop coughing blah blah blah”.
Trust me when I say PROPER water mitigation now will cost FAAAAR less than mold mitigation later. And just remember: Anti-microbials are your friend.
Speaking of earthquakes, did you feel the one in Virginia last week? My office shook and I’m in Pittsburgh and people in Canada were holding onto their maple leaves for dear life.
the best hurricane recap. EVER.
and…a picture sort of related to this but not really. (concerning earthquake recently on east coast). might make you pee a little.
http://www.performancetrucks.net/forums/truck-stop-133/earthquake-virginia-%5Bfunny%5D-487632/
u might have to scroll down a bit. but it’s there. you’ll know it when you see it.
We are in Maryland and weren’t to worried. I had stocked up on formula, diapers, and bottled water. My older boys (7 and 9) had their portable game systems charging. I did have the boys sleep in a tent down in the dinning room because their bedroom is upstairs in the corner and we’ve got allot of oak tree’s outside.
I think our family on the West coast was freaking out more than we were. They kept texting and checking FB for status.
Aah, you always give me a much needed laugh- I love your picture of you in the dark- almost soaked my screen with my coffee. I should know better by know than to drink anything while reading you.
I am glad you guys are okay-
Hi from Kansas. I’d take a tornado over that bitch water any day, but to be perfectly honest, I’ve not personally experienced a full blown (ha, pun) tornado. But I’ve seen the destruction, and towns nearby have been wiped off the map from those d-bag tornadoes. And still, I’m the first one to go do what you’re NOT supposed to do and stand on the deck and watch the clouds when there are reports of a funnel cloud (fyi, a funnel cloud is not the same thing as a tornado, but it can turn into one in the blink of an eye). I’ll chance it.
Of course we laugh in the face of tornados. It’s how we’re raised.
So, I’ve lived in Florida my whole life and water has been as you call her- a bitch many many times with hurricane this and hurricane that- almost every year (loss of power; trees down evr-where). We have hurricane parties—go stick that one in your back pocket.
Hooray for no looters and G sleeping through the night.
On the serious tip–tragedies have occurred and life has been lost in this storm–thoughts and prayers go out to those affected.
So. Unfair. I study this shit. Bonefide – http://www.pnas.org/content/107/32/14014.full – see. And I live in Boston for 6 years and the minute, MINUTE, I move to Texas, you east-coasters get earthquakes and full on hurricanes. And I get 105 F weather and no storms. What is up with that?
Ok, narcissism over – glad you survived. Sorry about the leaky window.
BAHAHAHAHAHA!!! When I saw that pic of Chris Brown on that flood zone I spit coffee everywhere. Nicely done.
I live on the gulf coast of texas in a mandatory evacuation zone, so… yeah. It sucks sometimes spending weeks without power or evacuating with a 3 week old baby only to be forced in a hotel room with your inlaws and their stinky dog for a week. I’m glad to hear that you made it through safe and sound with just a leaky window.
I’m with NSC, that last picture was epic!
So glad you guys made it through! This whole post is so funny!!! I don’t know where I’d be without my level headed man. If I was the level headed one and my husband got dartty and shifty I would probably end up slapping him the way the men did in old movies when the women would get hysterical.
I’m glad we weren’t the only ones that almost killed each other. J…like B…was all calm at first. He kept saying he wanted to secure the porch roof…since it has a tendency to fly away during wind storms…but he never actually did it. Until 2 AM on Sunday morning. With the rain pouring down and the wind blowing, the two of us ended up standing on one folding chair trying to secure the roof with 2x4s and a screw gun. It was not pretty…there was much yelling.
I’m glad our porch roof didn’t fly away and I’m glad your house didn’t flood and wash away.
We did not prepare for the hurricane in any way. Well, I lie. We closed the windows. And my husband ate a pot brownie, which inevitably led to us going on a family trip to Dairy Queen for Blizzards in the torrential rain. The Blizzards were delicious. The fact that the pot brownie rendered him useless in helping me with my cabin feverish 3-year-old and nursing-every-two-hours newborn is what led to the near divorce. But today is just a usual Monday. No divorce. Cabin fever extinguished by the most beautiful day we’ve had in weeks. Vampire baby still a vampire, but I can deal with him
I just love this. Your husband, your vampire baby, the fact that you all went to DQ – makes me smile. You’re family is totally awesome!!
Thanks, Meghan!
Definitely. I am in, although I was thinking more on the lines of Banff for the location of our survival shelter (because the skiing & hiking is awesome-tacular, you know so we have something to do while we are waiting out the end of days). Also, I think we should build the shelter part way up & into the side of a mountain, fully equipped with emergency boat – you know just in case “waterworld” decides to come true.
Can’t. Stop. Laughing.
The other day [down here in Austin TX where we are on day number 70 something of 100+ degree weather...] I walked out of a store (the kind of store that is in a 100 year old house and the register is in the kitchen, which has no relevance to my story but seems important) and yelled, “It’s raining!” Apparently this phrase is now as exciting as yelling “We all just won 10 grand!” or at the very least… “It’s snowing!”
ha yeah im from abilene tx and i know exactly what your talking about
So glad you guys are OK!
I grew up in FL also, but I don’t think I’ll ever be calm during a hurricane. I now live in NYC and was up all night listening to the wind and rain waiting for our windows to break and our power to go out… We were quite fortunate thought and made it through with no issues.
And I LOVED the pic of Chris Brown!
By far, your funniest post.
I live in a sleepy medium-sized wisconsin town with no hurricanes and no earthquakes; however, we do have Lake Michigan’s sheenanigans in the winter. Something we lovingly call “Lake Effect Snow”. How would one best describe it………. the Whitney Houston of snow as you have the Chris Brown of water. I swear I hear “BOBBY!” whistling in the wind in the middle of those storms.
If they every name a hurricane Chris Brown I think I’ll shit my pants. Speaking of Chris Brown, did you see him on the VMA’s last night? What a doucher, flying around and dancing. Yuck.
Glad you made it through. We’re in Ohio and the only things happening here are corn and football.
So glad it wasn’t that bad for you guys.
I lived through a tornado. Our trailer just shook and shook and part of our roof came off. Our trash can flew away, and my moms trees fell (luckily, none on our crappy mobile home). It was scary.
Power outages and no porn…at least here in NH that is. Yes, the beloved strip joint down the street was closed all day yesterday for a lack of power….our poor neighbors had no where to go to spend those welfare dollars. I don’t see why they couldn’t just shine some 100k watt lantern lights at the stage and play music off an iPod. They were lined up around the corner when the joint re-opened this morning. Glad to see my hard earned tax dollars are helping the working girls at least!
I was impatient with my lack of power and had to open my fridge twice yesterday to get food out that I couldn’t live without. And each time those precious bottles of breastmilk were frowning at me for letting the warm air in.
Glad you are all ok! We still have no power and no water at my house…and we aren’t expecting them back until the weekend. Oh and there are still trees in the road and hanging off power lines so I feel like I am in a car commercial when I drive…you know the “Do not attempt at home. Professional stunt driver” ones. I am mooching off of friends’ hot water (and toilets!!) and comforting myself with the fact that candle light makes everyone look prettier.
So, I live in Western Massachusetts, an area of the country known for it’s outlandish weather patterns, right? I have a seven-month-old son, and since he’s been born, he’s been through massive blizzards, a tornado dropping a 100-foot pine tree on our house (which condemned it), crazy lightning storms, hail storms, an earthquake, a hurricane, and moms blood pressure rising about 50 points. I’m beginning to think that he can summon elemental forces. I apologize in advance if this all turns out to be his fault.
Here’s a cake for you, it’s a “That’s What She Said!” one! http://www.cakewrecks.com/display/ShowImage?imageUrl=/storage/AriaP.ow.textstory.jpg?__SQUARESPACE_CACHEVERSION=1314686829211
We lost power for an expected 5-7 days!!! And our builing has an electronic entry system, which means once we left, we we’re not getting back in, until the power gets on. Let me tell you, I have never in my life been so eager to get to my in-laws, because they still had power, and it meant that I could save all those bags of frozen breastmilk. I was a crazy person with my cooler and my breast milk, ordering my husband around with such urgency, you would have thougth we were transporting an organ for transplant. the milk made it!
I live in Arizona so I was haha-ing all weekend until we got this scary thunderstorm warning and I was all, AREN’T WE FAR AWAY ENOUGH FROM THE MADNESS? HOW IS IT COMING?! I DON’T HAVE A FLASHLIGHT OR ALL THE FOOD.
But then my brain switched on and I figured out that storms can happen… at the same time as each other. So I decided not to panic.
We get lots of tornadoes here in Arkansas during tornado season (Spring/Early Summer) and they are scary as hell. I’ve lived here all my life and I’m still absolutely terrified of them. I think the scariest part is that they can destroy your house (if strong enough) in a matter of seconds. My town got destroyed (literally, destroyed. Businesses gone, houses gone) three years ago and it’s a really sad sight to see, thankfully it wasn’t as bad as Joplin, MO got it though.
I’m convinced “Mother Nature” is one hell of a bitch, and I’m glad you guys made it through okay and still married.
The Chris Brown picture with the massive puddle is fabulous!
Your humor is awesome. So glad everyone in your family is safe. The Chris Brown comparison so works! (I really did laugh out loud.)
Kansas- Born & raised, and I hate those tornado m f’ers with a passion. I have a first aid kit, flashlights, extra batteries, shoes, socks, blankets, pillows, non-perishables, water bottles…Basically everything you could think to need in our “storm shelter” which is really just that dank, scary place beneath the stairs in the basement. I’m a paranoid, schizophrenic & I drive my husband nuts.
Story: I’m a bartender, and one night I was working & there was a TORNDO WARNING (like: WARNING, there MIGHT be a tornado, not like a TORNADO WATCH, where it’s like, BITCHESLOOKOUT there’s a TORNADO comin’!) But it seemed so close to where I was working, so I called my boss & basically told her that she either a.) let me close the bar down & go home, or b.) i was cutting & leaving the bar to be tended by the neandrethals who were still there. So I SPEED HOME (Like 5 minutes away), my 3 year old daughter is asleep, IN THE BASEMENT, but I forced my husband to put shoes/socks on her & drag a mattress downstairs. JUST IN CASE. Mattresses are essential in the safety during a tornado, but not very practical to keep there always. He side-eyed the shit out of me & kept saying things under his breath after the bad weather passed. I, of course, was just like, “J, IT COULDA HAPPENED. It coulda…. It really coulda……” You can never be too safe.
I’m crazy for a reason, though. I was camping once as a kid & a tornado hit the lake we were staying at. I’m irreversibly scarred.
With that being said, water is a scary bitch. I’d still take a tornado over any kinda hurricane or tsunami. Glad y’all survived!
glad you guys were okay for the most part, i couldn’t believe the flooding in some of PA, nuts!
also. i’m in california. and who cares about earthquakes i was pretty sure i was going to melt from heat exhaustion this weekend, oy. heat is a bitch too. put it up there with water, haha.
I think tornados may be easier emotionally to get through as there is not much warning (read: not much time to freak out) and not much time to make a kick ass list — much less wash everything. I’ve spent a lot of time in the basement in my life in Kansas. So it’s good to have non-electric stuff around to occupy your time if you are ever actually hit by the tornado.
So glad you & the fam are OK! I guess I just didn’t realize that Penn was affected! That so sucks about your house, but I am glad you are looking on the bright side -that things could be worse. (Guys make thee.best.lists.)
I live in the lovey state of CT and here we are on day 4 with no power. I sobbed through the entire storm because a tree fell right beside our house at the very start of Irene and I was sure another one was going to fall right through our roof. Our electric company, which basically serves the whole state, is apparently run by incompetent people! Estimates are we may have power by Labor Day, and next Wednesday at the latest. We live in a tourist town, not even rural, so I don’t know why the problem is. We are from PA and I’m about ready to drive home until next week, except we can’t because we work at places that ate making us work by the light from generators. So awesome.
“The cantalope is a liar” is by far the best quote I have heard all day!
I am at work and I seriously had to clamp my hand over my mouth to muffle the scream-laugh that I let out when I saw that illustration of you sitting in the dark…THAT IS SOOOOO ME.
But husband does not help my foolishness. He INSISTS that we get fully dressed and put on shoes during bad weather – Just in case we have to “take off running”…we are assholes.
I always say better to be safe than sorry – good for you all for being prepared. I’ve been through a few hurricane’s in my time. When I was younger one destroyed our beach house… thankfully it was the beach house not our actual house. We didn’t have to relocate and we only had to wait for the repairs to the home in shambles. It really does make you think twice about stuff though.
After the huge tornadoes in Alabama his past April I tend to get a bit more freaked out about the storms. I am 2 hours from Tuscaloosa where a lot of the damage happened. I’m an East Coast girl… I am not a fan of tornadoes they freak me out. When I first moved here my boyfriend would come home from work and find me and our kitten huddled in the closet fearing for our lives because it was storming and the tornado sirens were going off. It’s been 7 years that I’ve been here and this year was the worst… I seriously want to shit my pants when that siren goes off and I still have yet to figure out the true difference between warning and watch for tornadoes… fuck it I’m getting in the tub and hiding from all windows.
One good thing did come out of the storms – besides communities working together of course. My boyfriend and I got engaged on April 30th… after watching the destruction and so many people losing those they loved he didn’t want to wait until July to propose instead wanted to make sure he didn’t miss out on an important moment. Thankfully he already had the plan to ask.. otherwise I might worry that it would take huge disasters for him to make a move like that… I did wait 7 years ya know
My heart still goes out to all those here in AL and other states suffering after the wake of the storms, the tornadoes and the hurricanes – my thoughts and prayers are with them. I am glad you guys are all safe and hope the leak gets fixed soon!!! Ox
I went into labor 3 weeks early just as that bitch hit town. And labor was only 4 hrs. We barely made it to the hospital before “push time”. The hospital’s power flickered on and off for the 2 days of our stay but we were cool with it. I completely panicked when it was time to go home to NO POWER. I mean serious meltdown. Yesterday was the first day we could get hot water and this morning we magically had the internet. But still… no power. Small fry is a trouper though and if he and I can get through this BS then I have more confidence that I won’t accidentally kill him during normal future times.