Every gift giving holiday, I have this conversation with B:
Me: So what do you want for your birthmasfathersflagiday?
B: I don’t want anything.
Me: By saying you don’t want anything, you make my life infinitely harder.
B: Why? Just don’t get me anything.
Me: You KNOW that’s not going to happen. Now I have to tell all the people who are asking to get you bandannas and underwear. Is that what you want?
Me: No. and I hate you.
And from my experience with the penis population, this is common. Buying gifts for men is the stupidest activity on the whole earth. Stupider than water polo. I don’t even know what water polo is. I imagine it’s stupid. When you shop for a girl you can buy pretty clothes, or jewelry or makeup or spa stuff or RHOANYTHING books and paraphernalia and it’s easy and fun. Shopping for boys results in either 1) something with a charger/plug or 2) something with a motor. SNORING.
So I want you to know that I sacrificed THREE hours of my time sitting with B at the kitchen table pulling out any sort of gift information out of him to help the general public who has to give a gift to the penis population**
**Special Note: B is a regular guy. He likes booz, sports and naps. So if that’s your man, you’re all set. If you’re picturing your member of the penis population right now and he’s wearing any pair of jeans over 80 dollars as well as any sort of arm decoration, move along friend. This is not the place for you.
B as well as many other men that I know like to cook on fire. It’s part of the caveman mentality. That’s why someone invented the grill. Someone *genius* was like, how can we get men to spend hundreds of dollars on a box of fire to cook their meat? And then they were like, I KNOW I’LL JUST DO IT. And they did it and now every man in America has a grill. But I digress. B will cook anything on a grill and really wants to cook a pizza on it. Enter The Pizza Stone….It makes it easy to cook a pizza on a fire. Whatever.
I should warn you. In my kitchen discussion with B of gifts, I told him to shoot for the stars and tell me his ultimate wish list. So some of this shit is pricey. For example: A giant machine that just blows. No not that. THAT would be on every penis population’s list. I give you, the snow blower. B almost dies every year shoveling snow. This he wants from his rich mistress (aka not me)
B is regular strength handy. Like he’s not building me that finished basement that I NEED TO HAVE B, LIKE NOW. But he is super gluing stuff and hammering things. He drill’s some things too. He told me that it’s awesome to have a wireless drill. He also said that 18volt is important. See? It’s that sort of stuff that the vagina population would never know.
omg. I’ve been hearing about the damn noise cancellation headphones for the better part of 6 years. I’m like, WAIT. You want headphones that make sounds stop? Like the opposite of regular headphones? So you want to buy nothing? You want to buy non sound? For HOW MUCH? Needless to say he does not have the noise cancelling headphones. I mean WHAT noise could he possibly want to cancel anyway?
ESPN is the equivalent to the Bravo Clubhouse with Andy Cohen. It’s where the cool people hang out and you want to know the secret stuff that goes on behind the scenes. This is a good book to buy your person if they like any sport whatsoever.
B likes this magazine. B is in sales and has a job. He likes to know about other people who have jobs. That’s all I have to say about that.
B has used a hand me down lawnmower for 5 years. He desperately wants a new one. He says this is where it’s at because it’s 22 inches and gas powered and self propelled. Again: THINGS I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT. But if you’re buying your male a lawn mower, you should send me envelopes of cash. Because you can.
It’s a Time Machine!!!! No. Just more boring stuff. So apparently smokers are devices that make everything taste like ham. WHY? WHY WOULD YOU WANT THAT? B’s order of likes go like this: baby G, bandannas, me, ham. He says that every man in the whole world wants this. It’s fairly inexpensive too. I just can’t take ham tastes every day.
Let’s call it what it is: Manscaper pubecutter. Once every 2 weeks or so I come into the bathroom, which has turned into a black forest of hair. There’s wires everywhere and parts and things and it’s frightening. B has this whole set up to trim his entire body of hair. And it’s a lot. This guy is wireless, simple and to the point.
I was like, B, how about some NICE underwear? Like something you normally wouldn’t get yourself? Nope. He wants the plastic pack of underwear. He says it’s soft on his waist and soft parts. Great.
B is a big fan of Hugo Boss (after I dragged him out of a K & G kicking and screaming). Apparently the prices on Amazon for a suit are WAY better than anywhere else.
Personally, the bite valve creeps me out. I just feel like food bits and germs and disease live in it. But B loves it. And little G destroyed his last one.
I’m not even.
Who remembers my argument with the bedding company who sent me a body pillowcase by accident? Anyone? Remember what I said? THEY ARE STUPID. Guess who is dying for one?
B says to me: I want a hat to wear to the gym. But not like a regular hat. Like a gym hat. To this I gave him confused side eye. The man has 30 hats. Why can he not wear these hats to the gym? Apparently because you’re not supposed to wash regular hats because they shrink. B has a super sized head so this would be bad. He wants these.
He also wants socks. SNORING. The socks *I* wanted were exciting.
And there you have it. B’s wish list. What did I tell you? Boy stuff is the WORST. And we as women don’t understand it at all. I vote for segregated gift giving in this country. WOMEN MAY ONLY GIVE TO OTHER WOMEN AND MEN TO OTHER MEN. It can be a giant pick from a hat sort of thing.
But I need a woman who gives diamonds. JS.
Ok now tell me what you have in mind for your member of the penis population. Maybe I’ll get a better idea for B than his snore list.
MODG and B