It’s a little surreal to wake up the morning of your diagnostic ultrasound. It’s sort of like going to court to find out if that weed money you used to pay for your expensive dental treatment will send you to the slammer or not. (That was *actually* my dream that night). Will my life from this moment on be much more difficult or will I be lucky and live an “easy” life. Why do I deserve an easier path than someone who didn’t get that lucky sentencing. Answer: I don’t. We’re all equals in this game of boob roulette. i.e. boobette.
What does one wear to a mammogram? Probably not a dress. That was a good decision considering your x-ray gown is a shirt type deal and if you aren’t wearing pants you are one super slutty patient. Jeans it is. I kissed my family goodbye and headed off to my sentencing.
Of course my GPS didn’t pick up the location. NBD, I’ll use my phone. Then I thought about the irony of dying in a car crash while looking at my phone on the way to your diagnostic mammogram. And THEN I realized I was being just as stupid as Alanis Morisette.
They move shit along FAST at the boob shop. There is no real waiting. Probably because a minute feels like an hour. They take me into the boob smasher and it’s naked time. I have never had a mammogram, nor have I ever even seen one. But I was afraid. They told me not to be. They always say that when you should be afraid. Your boob is literally sandwiched between a little table and a table that slowly closes down on your boob. Sort of like being stuck in an elevator door that decides to kill you by sheer force instead of open up again. But honestly, it doesn’t hurt. It’s just beyond weird to have your boob super smashed and stand there naked, with your arm up to the left and your head to the right and the woman squeezing your boob like it’s playdoh. It’s a whole thing and it’s all weird.
But 10 minutes later and I was done.
And this was the worst part.
They send you to a little room in the back where you sit with other women wearing the same xray shirt. Everyone looks at everyone thinking “why is SHE here?” “is it routine or is she sick?” I felt like they especially looked at me because I’m younger than the standard mammogram patient. That and I was wearing ripped jeans and chucks while they had on trousers and a sensible heel. I felt their pity because I, was clearly not a routine patient.
One by one they were called back. And then I looked to my right and saw that on the little table, I was sitting next to the Holy Bible. It was right next to People and InStyle. Really? REALLY? And that’s when my stomach started knotting shit up like a sailor with a rope. I thought I was going to diarrhea right in that chair. And JUST as I picked up the People with Guiliana on the cover talking about her cancer, I was called back.
I walk into a room with 2 giant computer screens and the glare of my white xray’d boobs flash onto the screen. The doctor asks me if we’re also doing a follow up ultraound.
**Side Note** Our insurance deductible is high. Like stupid high. So that means things like mammograms are not covered until we meet that deductible. Translation, we were paying for this out of pocked and an ultrasound would double the charge**
I told her that I’d prefer not to unless it was necessary. She said it was necessary
Oh god.
But then she said these words
“Because I don’t see anything”
She didn’t see anything. SHE DIDN’T SEE ANYTHING.
I had her feel my little lumpy friend and she suggested we do the ultrasound. The doctor immediately takes me back and within 30 seconds we’re looking at the lump and it’s confirmed.
It’s a fluid filled cyst and nothing at all to worry about.
My brain stopped registering things at that point and my eyes welled up with tears. Because that was my sentence. And I was lucky. SO LUCKY. Again, I never let death and dying enter my brain, but I did think about being a mother to a baby while undergoing surgery or radiation or chemo. I thought about losing my hair or my breasts. I thought about being very sick. I thought about not being able to pick up my baby out of his crib and I thought about G being just too young to understand any of it.
But I was lucky.
And when the doctor left the room, I cried. I cried lots of tears of relief and tears for my family.
I thought about all of the women that go through that office and sat where I sat and got a much different prognosis and how they felt leaving the office. I don’t believe that I deserved this sort of outcome. Because bad things happen to good people. I’m just lucky.
Obviously my message to all of you is to check yourself constantly. If I could feel my entire body for lumps every day, I would. The cellulite would be tricky to navigate, but I’d find a way. I was amazed at how many of you had been through this and how many of my own friends came forward and told me that they had a lumpectomy or a mammogram at 20. I thought about why everyone is so secretive about it. I mean, I get it, it’s scary. But having this community come forward and tell me how many of you came through it ok or maybe are not ok but are fighting, meant everything to me.
I hope more people talk about this so if someone does find a lump you don’t immediately think death and cancer. But you do think doctor and xray right away.
My next one will be at 35.
Do yourself a favor and feel your boobs tonight. Or find a friend to help you out.
It’s amazing how many of my posts are about boobs or vaginas.
That’s all friend.
xoxo
MODG
Hi I’m MODG. But you can call me MODG. You say it like Modg, like a Grandma name. Not like M.O.D.G. That’s a lot of syllables and I don’t have that kind of time. 
{ 61 comments… read them below or add one }
Geeze, that made me cry. I’m really really happy that your something was nothing.
What a relief Amanda! Such good news.. it’s true what they say, sometimes good things happen to good people!!
Self checks are so important – I try and do at least 1 a month! This post makes me want to run home and do an extra just in case..
I can relate. I had adenocarcinoma insitu (pre-cancer of the cervix.) When I went to my 1,000,000th vagina appointment at the gynoncologist, I walked into a room full of mothers and grandmothers. “The Dermatologist is down the hall, sweetie” an elderly woman offered as I sat down next to her. “I know. I’m here for an appointment with Dr. Burrell” I answered. For the next hour I people watched, waiting for my appointment. I watched children cry, women cry, husbands watching their wives cry, and I thought to myself, “How am I here? Is this going to be me next time?”
I wound up having a procedure that removed those little bastard cells and consider myself to be SO LUCKY. I won’t ever forget the women I saw in the waiting room. I was a complete stranger, but I was sharing in one of the most difficult times of their lives. It’s surreal. Congratulations! I did a happy dance for you!
SAME exact story here, except when they told me there was nothing more than a milk duct close to the surface, I cried because I was ok, then cried harder because I had to now pay them $730. I DO NOT get insurance.
Im so happy to hear that everything went well for you. I had a similar scare whe i was 18, unfortunately the drs couldn’t tell for sure what my lump was and so we decided to remove it surgically. My lump was 7 cm long and there is still an indent at the top of my breast where it was removed. Luckily, it was benign.
That indent on my breast is a constant reminder of how lucky I am, and how easily i could have been not so lucky. I see my life now with my husband and my two beautiful girls and am so thankful for all that I have, and all that I dont.
Amanda,
I’m a cancer orphan. Yes, I was an adult when it happened, but you never really get over a disease STEALING your parent from you no matter your age. Because of the family history and the nature of mom’s cancer, I’ve been having mammograms (or Mommy-grams as my kids call them) since I was 30.
I’ve posted about it here http://adventureswithkenders.blogspot.com/2012/01/you-are-being-fucking-childish.html if you’re interested in “serious”.
HURRAH! Oh, I’m so happy everything checked out okay – and props to you for having the courage to get it examined and write it up, so that more women will do self-exams and get regular check-ups and mammograms.
Happy unicorn hearts dance!
I’m so happy for you! So happy that I’m all teary eyed here at work…I can only imagine how scary this whole experience has been for you, but thank you for being so honest and sharing your story. I will continue to regularly feel my boobs up, and I hope others will too.
I had this exact scare about 4 months ago while I was 8 1/2 months pregnant with my 3rd baby. I had to get a mammo, ultrasound and biopsy. Did I mention it was while I was pregnant?? Scary, and doubly so because my sister died at age 31 of breast cancer. I kept thinking this was it for me, and my girls would grow up without a mother. Super sads. But in the end it turned out to be nothing. Thank God. My sister wasn’t that blessed, and she didn’t find her lump until it was too late. So I second the motion- check, and check often! Also, be your own advocate when it comes to your health. No dr is going to care as much about you as you care for yourself! Stand up for yourself and insist on getting extra tests and screenings if you feel it is necessary! Glad to hear that you are ok. Power to the MODG.
I’m sooooooooooooooooo glad your little “pea” was just a cyst!!! I’ve been reading your blog for a long time and have become quite attached to you in the weird “us and blogger” world. I even said a little prayer for you. Keep up with the self-exams….
I got teary with this too. So glad it was nothing serious. And also, you totally made me feel my boobs up in the shower the other day! I’m still nursing so it was tricky, but at least I started somewhere. Thank you for your honesty in your blog and your frankness about the female body!
Now my baby is giving me side-eye because I’m laughing, crying and snorting all at once. I’m so happy that the something turned out to be nothing and thank you MODG for sharing it with the interwebs. You rock my world.
So glad you are ok. I thought I had cancer this time last year, but I ended up being pregnant with my son. It’s so interesting that when something is off with our bodies we instantly go to the c-word. I guess it just goes to show how scary the c-word really is to us.
I had a very similar experience while in the process of getting a boob job. Talk about irony. My experience in the waiting room was one of absolute sisterhood. I felt that no matter what the outcome I had a family who would help me thru. Luckily I was one of the fortunate ones. I was all clear but the experience changed me. Glad you’re ok!
This brought me to tears. So happy for you and so sad for so many who go through this. Wishing you continued screenings where the doc doesn’t see anything. Checking my nursing boobies tonight!
I love love love your blog, the honesty and sarcasm, but don’t always get a chance to check in. Saw the link to this post on fb and actually had a couple minutes to read it. WOW, so glad you’re okay! I had something similar happen — I felt a lump, pointed it out to my obgyn at my next pap appointment (which was like 3 weeks after I found the lump, so it wasn’t like I waited some crazy long 10.5 months or something until my next pap), and she sent me in for an ultrasound apt a couple days later, and it turned out to be nothing, but I was SO.FREAKED.OUT. until I got that diagnosis, cold sweats and all that. Didn’t tell anyone I a) found a lump, b) was telling my doc about it, c) was getting an ultrasound for it, or d) that any of that even happened [until now]. Why? Why the secrecy? No idea. Probably because I didn’t want to alarm anyone in case it was nothing, and then when it was nothing, why bring it up? I never thought about sharing for the sake of bringing attention to other women friends to not go in shock if they find a lump. I was glad I got that ultrasound though – even though it was nothing, the technician took time explaining the different layers to me that we were seeing on the screen and showed me how there is a bumpy ridge of sorts underneath the breast, and showed me how to find/feel that so if I ever felt one of those bumps I’d know what it was. And reiterated that it’s important to feel yourself up at the same time each month, because glands and such can swell or whatnot according to where you are in your menstrual cycle, so a lump might feel like it’s coming and going within a month’s time. Ahhhhh, I’m scared of a mammogram though… that sounds SO painful! And awkward. Mostly awkward.
Glad you’re okay…
I figured this would be the outcome. This happened to me and while I was waiting for the ultrasound, the song Live like you were dying came on. WTF. I was sitting on the table flipping out. I thought this cannot be coinkydinky, I’m gonna die.
It was also a fluid cycst. Thank God.
Glad to hear the good news. You make me laugh when I’m having a bad day.
You have me in tears.
I lost my mom to breast cancer ten years ago (she got sick at only 39 and died at 42) and I only now realize how scared she must have been at those appointments.
Made me cry as well, and run to feel my boobs. My mom was dx’d w breast cancer, she’s a 6yr survivor. Scary stuff.
So very glad to hear it turned out to be nothing after all. I know this is a major weight off your shoulders and mind!
I LOVE all the boob and vagina talk on here. It’s great to know I’m not alone with my crazy thoughts! You and this lady (http://www.howtobeadad.com/2012/8292/wife-said-tampon-44) are my favorites.
Wonderful. Thank you for being so open. I’m really happy to hear you’re okay!
This, like a lot of these other broads, made me misty eyed. I love your blog, for your personality, for your hilarity, for your vagina, for your boobs, and for your over-sharing about all of the above. Yes I am aware that I just, pretty much, said I like your vagina and boobs. And yes, I know that’s weird. But seriously, thank you for all of the constant over-sharing. It’s something I’m a big fan of and wish more people did. Hooray for vaginas & boobs!
So very happy the news turned out to be good. Thank you for sharing your story!
WOOHHOOOOO!:)
I’m really glad you’re okay. I was thinking about it. My dad was just diagnosed with stomach cancer. It barely seems real, even when I write it. I’m terrified but life is continuing like normal right now, which is weird. He’s still waiting ( a loooong time) for his treatment plan. He loves my daughter, who’s nine months old, and I just want her to have a grandpa so badly. I want to be able to keep him.
I am not super good at checking my boobs. But this makes me want to do it all the time. Like every day. I am so happy for you that it was nothing!
I was also under 30 when I had my first lumpy situation – it does feel even weirder and more noticeable when you are in the “statistically out of range” group at something like that. But that’s why you feel your boobies and why everyone else should too – no matter how young our old they are.
Oh gosh, MODG, I got behind reading the blog at the absolute worst possible time. So glad to hear you’re OK, and I hope lil’ G is too! I am going to post the Morgan Freeman thing on your FB if it’s not there already. When you get to the bottom, you’ll know why.
Oh my god, what a terrifying experience! I have to be honest that I don’t always get to read your blog, so I had no idea you were going through this. So very happy to hear that everything turned out ok. I’m really really not good about doing self exams, so thank you for the reminder/reality check and for spreading the word to other women! Stay healthy.
MODG-
Check your boobs is the best advice ever. Know those suckers like nobody’s business. My SIL is going through treatment for breast cancer at 36. Humbling situation- caught early because she checked em!
Glad you are ok.
Glad to hear you are ok. I’ve been reading your blog for awhile now, and love it, thank you! I felt like I needed to post because I just went through the exact same thing (down to the hubby and I just watching 2 seasons of Breaking Bad–weird). At my Monday mammogram (which WAS painful, and leaky, since I am still breastfeeding) my lump turned out to be a subcutaneous fluid filled cyst. Anyway, thanks for always keeping it real, and I’m really glad you are well.
too tired to leave a comment this post deserves, but just wanted to let you know how relieved i am. i really was worried and thinking about you on tuesday and wondering how it all went. but very happy and relieved for you. i had to stop breastfeed last year so my boobs are kind of an afterthought these days. but i am totally going to be checking myself out now, so thanks for sharing this post (from me and my boobs!)
Hi Modg… I JUST found your blog so tuned straight in to this… (You are a FREAKING riot by the way)… but I am nevertheless so happy that this turned out happy for you!
I too went through the whole boob-scare song and dance a few years ago when I was, like, 23 or something ridiculous…. 2 doctors, 2 sonograms, 1 mammo, 1 MRI, all to find out my little lump was the friendly variety! (Umm which they told me I got from the dangerous combination of birth control and way too much Starbucks).
So, yea, yay on your good news and beautiful post!
Amen, Sister.
You are some kind of wonderful person, Amanda. Very important and excellent post.
Thank God! No. Seriously. I thought about you all day. I heart you and this blog! Cheers to good health, Brittney, and some reality tv!
Medical scares are no fun … glad you got a good result! Especially appreciated the informative and medically accurate photo of the Boob Squasher and it’s flattened pancake boob.
Nothing is awesome!! Is the Alanis reference from Weeds???
just found myself reflexively kneading my boobs at work thanks to this post – my colleagues are totally spoilt!
seriously though, important message & it will be heeded. you took a boob-squish for the team – just wish it hadn’t come with all the attendant stress for you & yours.
word.
Well, MODG, you have me crying at work. So thanks for that.
I am so, so, SO happy that it was nothing! I’m not going to lie – even with this great encouraging post, I’m still scared as hell thinking about mammograms and pap smears BUT I’m so glad you wrote about this! It makes me feel like I can do the self-exam and take care of myself, too.
I’m so glad to hear good results! Now that you’re in the clear, I want to say that 4 of my friends – all under the age of 35 – have had breast cancer. Checking yourself is SO important and I’m proud of you for sharing your story so more women can stay healthy!
Amanda, I am so happy to hear this. I don’t often comment on your site (but read every day), but I had to on this occasion. Breast Cancer is an ugly beast – I had a friend die from BC just about a year ago. She was only 32. It was so hard to watch so I cannot even imagine going through it. I’m sure you were giving B and G big hugs after getting such wonderful news. And I will be telling all of my friends, “Squeeze your ta-tas!!”
I’m so very happy for you. Still undergoing all the stuff on mine. The unknown is what is killing me.
YAY FOR NOTHING!! I love nothing.
Ladies, I am begging you to get your mammograms!! My sister just had her “touch-up” surgery on her boob because they found pre-cancerous cells during her mammogram. She had them removed with a partial masectomy — think melon baller to remove the cells, not like a slicing off a part of the boob which is what I thought when I heard partial masectomy. She had not had a mammo for like 8 years and she just decided that she need to get back on track with regular health check-ups. So even if you do not feel a lump, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE make that appointment. Catch it early and you increase your chances for the best possible results.
Yeah to MODG for promoting Boob health. Save the Tatas!!
yup, just closed my door at work and did a feel up. Go Tata Health.
Super glad to hear it is nothing! I feel so relieved for you.
Seriously…brings me back to visiting the dermatologist, 6 months pregnant, scared to death I had skin cancer. And the total joy that came a week later when it biopsied normal. YAY!!
Congrats!
And great message. Always feel yourself up. I found my lump on my own, turned out to be cancer, but I survived and am 1 year post diagnosis. 4 more years to go and I’ll be “cured”. Let’s keep those fingers crossed!
But lets not leave husbands out of this very serious task. One of my favorite “mottos” is:
Save a life, grope your wife!
Granted, it’s providing your husband with a good “excuse” to obnoxiously fondle your breasts, but something like 10-20% of lumps are found by husbands.
Moral of the story, the more people feeling your boobs, the better. But don’t go out asking strangers to feel your boobs… that would be wierd.
I’m not sure who I love more…sarcastic boob / vag talking MODG or serious boob / vag talking MODG. Congratulations on clean boobies!! Phew! What a relief
So happy all is clear. I am kind of scared of the boob-smasher as well, but I know I have a date with it sometime in the future…..I think it should start buttering me up now…preferrably with chocolate and not actual butter. But a girl will take what she can get.
I need to get a mammogram, I think. I’m 35. Is it 35 or 40 when you start? I think I’m down a PAP too.
OMG, I’M SO GLAD YOUR BOOBS ARE OK.
That’s it!! Only Dame Maggie Smith soliloquies or old men from the ‘Greatest Generation’ recounting their horrific military memories can make me cry….NOT blog posts! But it did, I found myself tearing up, and I’m so pleased that THIS was the conclusion. HOOORRRAAYYY!! I say celebratory cappuccinos (or a spot of tea) are on me! And now, I have the sudden urge to watch old reruns of “You Can’t Do That On Television”……
my boob unltrasound back in the day went the same way. i am so glad you had the same outcome.
Bummer about your insurance. I always forget you ‘mericans have to worry about that shit. As if you don’t already have enough to worry about when your boob starts growing its own bits and bobs. When I found a lump, large but movable, my doctor stuck a huge needle into my poor boobie lump to see if he could draw out fluid. Turns out everything was OK, but an experience I hope not to repeat.
Yay! I’m so happy for you. Also, I got felt up by my doctor today for my annual… lets just say that while obnoxious and uncomfortable you are right we need to be proactive and check things out for ourselves.
Cheers to you!
I am so fµ**** happy for you!
SO happy everything worked out – and thank you for posting this. I read the last few lines and then realized crap I’m 35.. guess it’s time to get mashing on the regular up in this house! xo very glad you are OK girl!
I just had my boobs chopped off– super high risk because of family history, they say.
I KNOW about that little room. I KNOW what’s it’s like to be the youngest one there and rethinking everything.
Glad everything was okay.
Win a Dress from Shabby Apple!
Yay congrats on the false alarm!
I have to tell you about my first mammogram a couple of years ago. My company gives us free (woohoo!) mammograms as long as you are cool with having it done in a bus out in our parking lot. Fine with me. So I head out there with my DDD’s hoping my false bravado will help me deal with what I know will be horrible excruciating pain. The nice lady has me strip down to my waist and she positions (aka awkwardly flops before manhandling) my left boob on the tray. Before I know it the flattener part is down, the image is taken, and it’s back up again. To my relief not painful at all… not yet, anyway. She says, ok step back from the machine, time to do the other side. Well, I have, as I’ve said, DDD’s. And in spite of my laissez faire attitude, it turns out I’m sweating bullets. Under my boobs. But not enough to create lubricant for my boob to easily slide off the tray. No, just enough for my boob to have adhered quite solidly to its slick surface. So me standing back results in me jerking my body AWAY from my stuck boob. Yowsers, talk about painful. Fortunately, the other side went smoothly unless you count the humiliation of having to lift my own boob off the tray afterwards. At least the nice lady pretended not to look.
Wow I just cried with you! Glad to hear of your good news. Last year I had my first trip to the “quick stick your boob in the fridge and slam the door on em” the thoughts you described we’re exactly what I was thinking. I’m not looking forward to going back every 6 months for life but eh better to be under the scope than not I guess.