Dudes, my mood is foul. I’m sitting on a pile of butt nuts for one. Yes Christmas came early in this pregnancy. By now the Rite Aid girl doesn’t even bother covering up the Tucks with the Lucky Magazine. She just gives me a frowny face like awwww. And I’m like SHUT UP you 16 year old nothing with an untainted butt. YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW. Tell me again how it’s fair that I have butt nuts and never even got to have a vaginal birth?
And that my friends is what completely terrifies me to actually have a baby be pushed out of my lower parts this time. Because I know a baby isn’t the only thing that’s coming out. I said this to a few hippies and they were like DUDE do you even know what sort of bad shit happens during a vaginal birth? And I’m like YES THANK YOU I DO. AND FROM WHAT I READ, YOU HEAL. My butt nuts have stayed with me for always now. They make me unusually unhappy. It’s like you’re carrying around extra friends in your butt that you feel with every step. So not really friends I guess. Just like nuts. Like I said.
And you may say, “yes MODG I can see why this has upset your day.” But do you know what’s even WORSE than sitting on a pile of butt nuts? Trying on bathing suits. And do you know what’s even worse worse WORSE than trying on bathing suits? TRYING ON MATERNITY BATHINGSUITS.
I mean really. THE worst.
So I go with my friend Box for our season MAC makeover. Really one of the few joys left for a lonely butt nut. And I decide to stop at Pea in the Pod to try on some suits. Trust me, if I didn’t have to, I wouldn’t. But G is obsessed and I mean obsessed with water. So at least 3 times a day we are in a pool or a sprinkler or a hose or a sink or a lake or a puddle or someone’s spit. And then we come inside and he’s climbing in his water table. Or he’s dumping a cup on his head. Really the water thing is out of hand. And our outdoor pool just opened. I can’t avoid it any longer. I have to go and I have to put on a bathing suit.
But I’m at the worst point in pregnancy where you don’t look pregnant…you look sick and fat. Not to mention the 4 straight months of self diagnosed bed rest has given my butt nuts a nice friend: cellulite. So I’m in these awful bathing suits. Like TANKINIS. Tankinis are the worst. THE WORST. It’s like, I really just give up so I’m slapping some loose fabric under my top. A one piece just won’t cut it. Other options for maternity swim? The swim dress. Yes, swim dress. If you’re 85 years old or a Dugger, you know what I’m talking about. But I did find a few one pieces. They either left a kangaroo pouch where a preg belly should be or they pulled up my ass so the bumpy parts hung out the side. Both were really stunning choices.
Also just because I’m pregnant, why do I have to wear bows and polka dots and tons of pink? I’m not blow up doll or an adult baby.
And let’s be clear that I tried Pea in the Pod first because they are stupid expensive and I thought that they would make me look cuter than Old Navy. F that. My friend box was like making squinty faces and was like…welll…..you could get a sarong. A SARONG.
So I came home and googled sarongs. Do you know what you find? Nothing. You find nothing because it’s not 1996 and I’m not in a TLC video.
So how do you manage to look comfortably covered but not like Old Granny Dumpkins at the pool when you’re barely bump worthy?
I don’t have the answer.
But I feel low. And as I typed this, I realized that I left my MAC makeup in the car. All day. It was 90 degrees.
I hate everyone and everything. And because that’s a common theme around here, it’s a set category (see below).
And because you stuck with me and let me bitch my butt nut off (man I really wish they came off that way) I have a treat for you and IT’S GOOD. The lovely ladies at Bad Kitty Bakery asked to advertise with me and I was like suuuuure you can. You just have to send me some “samples”. And oh they did. B was like WHAT THE SHIT ARE THESE AMAZING COOKIES? We literally almost divorced over who would eat the last one. You must check out their site here: Bad Kitty Bakery. Now here’s the best part. THREE of you are being sent these. I’m telling you, they would probably dissolve butt nuts on contact. All you have to do is visit the Bakery’s site and tell me in the comments what you would die for that they make. And the rest of you get 10% off your whole order by entering MODG1o. At least your day can be good.
LOVES and nuts for life.