In exactly one week from today the 3 of us get the news that will change our lives forever.
And I’ve made no secret to friends, family, waitresses, ants who look like they want to chat, exactly what I want that news to be. And it’s a risky little game my friends. Risky little game.
In one week we find out if Yoshi is a girl or a boy.
And let’s get this out of the way now before you all slam with with hatred and 4 fingered stories. OBVIOUSLY the first priority is the baby being healthy. To even think that that isn’t the priority is so stupid and unthinkable that it’s not even worth mentioning. That’s why I don’t give that lame ass answer when people ask me if we want a boy or a girl. I say A GIRL, DUH. And they kind of half laugh like, man it’s going to be awkward if you call me and tell me you’re having a boy. And yes, yes it will be.
But to be totally honest, up until about a week ago, I really didn’t even think for a minute that there was a possibility that Yoshi is a boy. I know that’s like the stupidest most uniformed thought ever. Especially from someone who is a huge fan of science. I mean I get it. It’s like 50/50. But my whole brain and spirit and the other spirits that probably follow me around and hide my keys all are telling me that it’s a girl. And up until yesterday, everyone else did too. I even had a hippie put her hands on my belly for like a whole 60 seconds and look at me with confidence and say GIRL. I mean if that’s not as good as an ultrasound, I don’t know what is.
But then THEN my neighbor was like, oh you’re totally having a boy. And I literally stopped breathing. WHAT WHAT WHAT did you say? Yeah, you’re having a boy, she says. I can tell by the way you are carrying. (I just started like really really showing). And I’m showing exactly the way I did with G. She reminded me that people who are preg with girls get fat all over and I’m just popped out in the front and low. SHIT. I do remember Bethenny’s face spreading out and looking like it got smashed in a waffle iron. Maybe I’m wrong?
B didn’t even dare bring up boys names with me. It just wasn’t even a discussion. Until yesterday.
Me: B WE NEED TO THINK OF BOYS NAMES.
Me: I know you’re thinking …but we’re not having a boy and that’s a crazy waste of time. BUT MAYBE WE ARE.
B: Yeah that’s definitely what I was thinking.
Me: So make with the names and fast. I’ll be weeping in the corner.
This is when B comes up with like 12 joke names, like Sergeant Math, to be funny. And then I point to my huge already belly and scream at his face DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A JOKE TO YOU? And then he says Adam or something lame.
And then I think about all the people who I told that I KNOW I’m having a girl so don’t even worry about it. And then they make this face like, poor thing doesn’t understand science. And I’m like I GD LOVE THE SHIT OUT OF SCIENCE. DON’T PLAY. I just know.
But now I’m doubting and now I’m scared and it’s all I think about.
I’m such a girl. Everything about me screams girl. EXCEPT the part where girls sit around in groups and talk about how “nice” other girls are.
Girls: Oh she’s so nice! Yeah she is so nice. Do you know that girl? Oh she’s the nicest!
And then I run away. Because I’d rather sit with the boys and talk about what douche Single Guy is for popping his collar post 2001. But otherwise, I’m a girl all the way. And I just want to buy dresses and brush hair, and paint nails, and have tea parties and dress up like princesses and totally be princess feminists who recycle and have careers with my little girl. BUT I don’t want to have to deal with my little girl asking for her first thong at 8 years old and telling me that she’s so over wearing non half shirts. No I don’t want that. And dudes, G is called dramababy for a reason. Can you even imagine a female G? I shutter. But I know all of this. And man do I still want to have a little girl.
But then I think about G with a little buddy and it makes me happy.
But I can’t lie to you or to myself or to the vagina spirits. I am really hoping for a girl. And during that ultrasound if I hear those words again that I heard 2 years ago with G. I’m going to cry. And it’s going to be way uncomfortable. Because man what an asshole I am to be crying about a healthy baby growing inside of me. People would kill for that. And I know that. But like I said, those 3 words we are about to hear will change our lives forever.
So here’s the thing. I’m going to tell you all and we’re going to be happy no matter what. And I’ll also tell you this: If it is a boy, this post will be deleted by the time Yosh can internet. So like 3 months. I will never ever want my child to think that he wasn’t wanted. He or she will be a perfect fit for us because science says so.
So stay tuned internet. And stay sciencey.