So today’s post will probably piss you off. It’s mostly because I’m going to yell at you. And you’re going to be like, “who does she think she is? She’s pregnant and then usually not a completely terrible fatty. She doesn’t even know.” But I’m still going to say it and you’ll thank me. Maybe.
We’re talking swimwear. Again.
Mom swimwear. Or lovely lady swimwear if you’re fancy.
So last night I’m out to dinner with my mom friends and we’re talking about our local public pool. Everyday, there are a brigade of moms (not us) that all know each other and sit on the edge of the pool in a row and watch their kids. So I proceed to tell my group how their swimwear choices drive me crazy. They all are clearly under the age of 60 (and most likely under 40 but who could tell) and dressing like it’s the grandma pageant circa 1954. And they aren’t fat and don’t need to wear a damn birqa to the pool. As I say this, all of my friends slowly look down at their feet and divert their eyes from my judgey glare. And then I realize. NOT YOU TOO! What you all are sporting damn tankini dresses to the pool? You are all young and hot. And it gets quiet.
Ok, hear me out.
I understand that we ALL have some pudge. We all have some cellulite. None of us want to be all pastey glow in the dark good queen saddlebags in public. Especially when it’s just time to watch your kid and probably not pick up a male suitor. But these damn bathing suits aren’t doing anyone any favors. And I really realized that when I ran into another mom friend who is Brazilian. Dude, those Brazilians know what’s up. She had a baby A WEEK AGO. And was in a bikini. We could all learn from her people. She did not give one shit or many shits for that matter what anyone thought. and she had a belly and she had cellulite but you know what? She looked hot. And she was running around, not trying to cover her parts up with strange fabric. She was even (gasp) sitting down. You know, in the position that makes your pooch pop out. But she looked young, and fun and awesome. And really all I saw were her awesome boobs anyway.
And the moms who are super covered up in their bathingdresses? Sure I couldn’t see their fat bumps, but they looked old and sad and like no one that would be on the penis parade. Actually, a penis parade sounds horrible. Nevermind. You know what I’m saying.
What was I wearing at the pool? A one piece with shorts over it. And I felt stupid. I mean, I should have just taken the damn shorts off after seeing Brazilian mom. I actually should have just rocked the bump. But listen, I do understand that a bikini isn’t totally necessary or for everyone at the baby pool. But neither is an evening gown people. So let’s talk options.
In my quest to find bathing suits for my early pregnant belly, I explored many options with what I’d call a pooch. I mean it wasn’t really a bump yet. And my legs are also carrying their own set of twins. So that’s awesome. But I think that a lot of people can relate to this bodyshape, preg or not.
Here’s what did not work.
I promise you. It’s not good for a pooch. The loose swim fabric makes you look wider and sloppy. You’re trying to cover up and it’s just not working. Here are some no examples.
Ok, still with me? Now for those of you who are like HISSSSS MODG I LIKE TANKINIS. Here is one that I think is cool. I really think the way to get away with it is to go sporty. Think like cool swimmer who throws a tank over her bikini like this one from J.Crew.
See the diff?
Ok let’s talk more things that could work. This is still my favorite bathingsuit for a post partum pooch or also a post pastry pooch. I wore it last year after G. And also after pastries.
I have this bad boy from La Blanca in coral and it’s THE BEST. I get compliments on it all the time. The ruching is great for a tummy and the boobs with an actual bra cup in it, are pushed up up and away. This is me in it last summer. Grab some protective eyewear before you view so my milk boobs don’t knock them out of your face.
A similar option that I also have and love is from JCrew. The deep v is cute and draws your eyes away from your lump a bumps that live in your legs and ass. My pooch is tucked and sucked and my giant milk bags are in your face. Also it’s nice to carry around a table to cover up your ass in pictures. So do that too.
Another option that I totally love is this retro one piece from Old Navy. I saw a girl in it at the pool and I RAN over to her to tell her how amazing she looked and where did she get it and when. She told me Old Navy and I almost fell off my baby. I RAN home to check the Old Navy site and of course it’s gone. But check your local store, they may have it. Now I should say I normally don’t love this cut on me because I’m short and my legs have some extra bulk right now. But this was good. I promise. Here is a picture that I stole off of someone else’s blog.
And my next suggestion (because I’m clearly SUCH an expert at really nothing) is to give the bikini a whirl. You may surprise yourself. My friend just recommended this site (Hapari) to me to mix and match tops and bottoms. I think getting a bikini with the right size top AND bottom is way important. I’m a fan of the side tie for love handle adjustability.
I like the tops that come a little lower on your torso. I think they are skinnifying. Also white top means big boobs and black bottom means small ass. That’s science.
Another bottom that I’m a big fan of (good bottoms do NOT cut into side fat)
Is this one from J.Crew that you can mix and match with like any top ever.
Order a size smaller than you think you’d need. Proms.
LAST suggestion and this is a total wildcard.
If you want to be totally cool whatever girl. Maybe try this….
Just throw on a bikini with a fitted white tank over it. Then you’re sporty I don’t care girl. I wish I could find a picture of this. Throw on a cute hat and shades. Bam. You’re so awesome and I want to be your friend.
Now I know you still may be side-eying me over there, saying that I have no idea about fat stuff. But here’s the thing. Every woman has an issue with her body. Every woman hates something. I remember seeing Charlotte on Sex and the City say she hates her thighs and I wanted to beat her with my flab tummy. But from my special science observation, don’t be afraid. Dress your age, flaunt your good shit. You’ll look better for it, I promise. I’m going to try and take my own advice and just because I’ve been a medium asshole in this post, I will take pictures and you can judge me. All pregnant and sick.
And I’m going to remember my brazilian friend and TRY to not give a shit. We’ll see. I tend to give shits.
Ok what do you think? Also I’d love your recommendations to the ladies of the world to keep looking our age at the pool.
If you take my advice (as you should) and flaunt your sexy self at the pool or the beach, send me a picture to modgblog at gmail. We need to start revolution. I would love to post some DO’S for the ladies. Be confident
I want to emphasize that I wrote this post specifically for the NON pregnant girl with some pudge. Outside of the Old Navy retro and the foldover Jcrew bottoms, I wouldn’t necessarily wear these suits pregnant. For many reasons. BUT because of your interest level in this topic, I’m going to do a preg specific post on swimwear. Because after a lot of trial and mostly error, I found some winners. Post to come.