Dudes. Shit has been real around here.
I forgot I had a computer. Let alone a blog of nonsense to run. I remembered when I had a dream that one slapped me in the face with a piece of bologna.
I’m going to declare something here and now: I will never declare anything ever again. (except this declaration of non declaring). Because as soon as I do, BAM another bologna slap. This time on the ass.
Last time I was all, lalala this is great, I can handle this, Ruby is doing so well, life is happy. The MOMENT as a mother you say shit like that, you know your life is about to be over. It’s like in ANY TV sitcom. DJ Tanner is like, my hair is SO big today. It’s going to be a great day! And then before you know it, Kimmy Gibbler is all, but it’s picture day at school and I bet you didn’t see that giant PIMPLE on your FACE and the boy you like is standing behind you! It’s just like that.
So in this hand of baby poker, Ruby sees G’s baby gas issues and raises him explosive watery diarrhea that smells like a B poop. If you know about breastfeeding, their poop doesn’t smell and it’s mustardy and seedy. I still don’t know how the seeds get in there. But Ruby is all, um, no, my little body is going to explode brown water all over you once ever 4 days and it will smell like the apocalypse. I know it’s cute and funny but it’s not because this is a real life sign of a food intolerance. A food intolerance after I cut out dairy already. For a month. And soy. AND gluten. I know.
For those of you who were around when G was developing these issues, you know I went down the path of a leaky gut and the GAPS diet to heal it. Well I’m being pointed in that direction again. For those of you who don’t know (and I didn’t), many people have “leaky guts”. Many people live life just fine without symptoms. Others have things like bladder issues (raises hand), IBS (raises hand), depression (raises hand) or ADD, autism, all kinds of things. These don’t mean for sure that your gut is leaking, but there is a strong link. Literally, it means that the walls of your intestines have tiny holes in them that are leaking foods into your blood stream. Your body attacks the food like an invader, which can cause issues. For me, the food is getting into my milk in a form that is way too complex for a baby to digest. This means that ANY food I eat could cause an issue for Ruby. Because it’s not the food itself, it’s how my body is processing it.
And yes, Ruby and I have been on 145 dollars of probiotics for about a month now. Kill me. And don’t tell B.
How do I know that I have this? I don’t for sure. But I have a lot of the stuff that goes along with it that I mentioned above. I also took MONTHS AND MONTHS of antibiotics in college for misdiagnosed UTI’s (which wreaks havoc on your system). I have strong cravings for sugar always and aversion to fermented foods like yogurts. And the fact that both of my children now are reacting to every and all foods that I eat. In general food in tolerance is rare in breastfed babies. So to have them be this intolerant to everything shows a sign of something bigger.
3 days ago I broke down. I was sure my milk was destroying my baby. It was a low low moment. We decided to give Ruby the super expensive 30 dollar a can formula for 24 hours. And it was the worst day for me so far with Ruby. Not because formula is poison. It’s not at all and I was happy to do it if it helped. But I literally couldn’t handle it. Ruby was rooting for comfort and I’d have to hand her to B. I sat by and watched B give her bottles as I cried feeling like again, that I was broken. I cried because I felt like I was doing EVERYTHING I could to breastfeed this child and she was still sick.
That feeling that I had that day was worse than any feeling I’ve had missing out on food. So I decided that night that I will keep breastfeeding her. I’m not giving up yet. And I’m going to heal my gut.
I am not doing the GAPS diet, which made me pass out on my steps and vomit. But I am now on the Paleo diet. This basically means you eat like a caveman. Dudes, trust me, not my bag. But if it makes Ruby feel better and I can breastfeed her, then I will do it.
I know many of you are thinking, just give the kid formula and give yourself a break. 1) the can is 30 dollars. You heard that right? 2) After what I went through with the VBAC, I really just need a win for team hippie. 3) breastfeeding is all that I know. I breastfed G until he was 1. It was his comfort, it was our every night, it was our whole relationship for a year. If you formula feed and someone told you that tomorrow you had to breastfeed, you would freak out too.
this is why I do it. This explosion of adorableness.
So after today, I broke down crying in breastfeeding support group, they picked me off, dusted me off and told me to get a hold of myself. Then Ruby exploded 4 days of shit all over her and I. And I was brought down to earth.
Bright side? I’ll lose that baby weight again.
Down side? Pizza.
Stay with me folks. It’s another baby battle. 2013 style.
Leaky gut people, help me.
Breastfeeders, help me.
J.Crew, help me.
PS if you’re feeling low as a new mom, do not, I repeat DO NOT go to Nordstrom’s to try on jeans. You will try on the size too big and it will still be too small. And then you’re on the first floor so you can’t even jump out of the window.