You know how when your kid is acting a fool and you’re like at a real low point. Like the kid is eating toilet paper daily (you know who you are). Or the kid is hitting your face because you won’t let him run across the highway with a butcher knife. Or maybe you’re like most of us and your kid JUST.WON’T.SLEEP.
So you google. Because that’s the answer to sleep questions, medical questions and time travel questions. Guess what? You don’t want to find the answer. Well, you sort of do. What you really want to find is a billion other people who are in just as much misery as you and have your level 98 dark circles. And if you do find someone who has it figured out? You want to sort of throat punch them. Especially after you tried all of their smart shit and your kid still farts in the wind at your white noise machine and your “schedule” and your anything that makes sense at all.
I know this because I googled.
And the first result was this…You know the result that you should really click on because it will most likely be the answer to all of your prayers
Right. I wrote that.
This happened in the day dark of my daughter’s room as I rocked her for the 93rd time in one nap. Dudes, we are so F’d. This child defies all of my genius that I figured out with G. Now, to my own super important ego credit, I did say in that post that my smart shit probably won’t work for you because I googled the F out of the internet to figure it all out.
Ruby is currently screaming in her room as I write this because I can not run up the stairs one more time to put her pacifier in. Or nurse her. Or rock her. ONE.MORE.TIME. And we’re talking about in the time span of an hour. She pulls that 20 minute shit. Where she wakes up after getting JUUUUST enough sleep to pop her little baby eyes open and screeeeam to say MOMMYI’MUUUUUUUP. And you know she needs more sleep. Because you need to do some GD stuff too without a baby hooked onto your hip.
But here’s the thing you guys. Ruby is sweet. She is the sweetest little girl in the USA. G was a dick baby. I love him dearly, but he was a dick baby. He hated life. And he was juuust enough of a dick that it was warranted to get him out of our bed and into his crib. But hearing Ruby cry is hard. Don’t get me wrong, hearing G cry was hard too. And don’t you dare leave me comments saying that I’m a bad mother to G or to my cats or to my plants, because I will seriously cut you open. But with Ruby it’s just different.
Maybe it’s because she’s a girl. And I know that there is everything on earth wrong with that sentence. But I just can’t bare to let that little girl cry up there. But my brain knows that she has to learn to put herself to sleep. I have really never even given her the chance to learn. And part of that is because I DARE not wake the beast who is napping in the room next door. The other part is that B has been traveling like crazy and I can’t do all the sleep teaching alone. It’s emotionally awful. You also don’t sleep for days.
(I just gave in and ran upstairs to rock her AGAIN)
So my all learned up brain knows that to have a good sleeper they have to learn how to put themselves to sleep. Every hippie I know has a bad sleeping kid (self admittedly). And this is because they never taught their kid how to self soothe. There is a window for this and it’s I think between 5-7 months. So we just entered it. I’m not looking to night wean the child. But I am looking for her to sleep longer than 30 minute stretches. I’m looking for her to not open her eyes and scream bloody murder because my boob isn’t in her face. These are simple requests BABIES.
I know that as a parent it’s my job to teach her this. G, as a 2 year old is no longer a dick sleeper. He’s a FANTASTIC sleeper. And he says to me “mommy I tired” or he says “more crib”. He loves to sleep and I love him 4 times more for it.
But Ruuuuuuby. Oh little Ruby who smiles all the day long. Who never cries. Who is the sweetest little cupcake to ever cup or cake. How do I do this with her? How do I teach her?
I tried this:
Ruby it’s time to sleep. You have to sleep now. Ok, sleep little girl. I’ll buy you a new dress if you sleep? Sleeping is so great!
That didn’t work.
I tried stretching her schedule so she’s awake longer. She just woke up angrier.
I tried putting her to sleep earlier. She bit me. And stayed awake.
So there you have it internet. If you read my nap post where I have it aaaalllll figured out, this is your reward and this is your punch in the throat to me.
And with that, Ruby’s nap is over.
Who do you think won?
And that post was brought to you by the fine folks at Designstiles Nurseries. Dudes, the fact that she wanted to advertise here is like an honor to me. I’m embarrassed that she has even seen my own handiwork because she is THAT good of an interior designer. I love the new direction that lots of interior designers are going towards with e-decorating. Her prices are super reasonable. You just send dimensions, fill out a questionnaire and she does the work for you. She also does hourly consulting. And dudes, I WISH I knew about her when I was doing my house. She doesn’t only do nurseries. I know this because I’m currently drooling over THIS that she did.
Seriously. Check out Irene. Tell her I sent you. And Irene, help me too. Please.