Guys, we survived. Babies, boobs and all the other B things. We made it the 48 hours apart. I diarrhead 90 times about it. But we did it.
For those catching up, this was my first time away from almost 7 month old Ruby. G was all, bitch please, I got this. He did.not.care. He was only interested in his Nana and what toys he could steal from her.
B and I were prepping to travel 5 hours to Connecticut to a wedding on Fisher’s Island. I pumped for FOUR months to get enough for the 48 hours away from the Rub-ster. And of course my supply drops right before we leave from stress. But we kissed our kiddos goodbye, handed over the NINE page instruction manual that came with our children in their boxes and peaced out.
I cried for 19 seconds in the car. Would Ruby ever nurse again? She loves that damn bottle and hates my boobs. Would she think I left her forever? Would she grow fangs and vampire bite me when I got home? The answer to one of these is yes.
Dudes. Connecticut is no joke. and Fisher’s Island is seriously no joke. It’s like if Martha’s Vineyard and the secret service had a baby. Because it’s super private, super fancy and super northeast coast. You have to take a boat to get there and you have to be the king of something to live there. It’s BEAUTIFUL and I told B to get his shit together now so we could live there. He gave me his “sign up for match.com already” look.
Now my task was to pump every 3 hours. But then I changed my mind and pumped every 2 hours because I’m a sadist and because I was so paranoid about my milk going away forever. I’ve never been in this sort of long term pumping situation before. It’s some real shit people. I’m pumping in bathroom stalls, backseats of cars, random bedrooms, under tables, on the backs of unicorns. Everywhere. I pumped. And pumping is a funny little thing. Your boobs totally get stage fright in weird places. You’re like I KNOW you have milk in there LET ME HAVE IT. And your boobs are all, NO, it’s weird here! I refuse to let go. And so you do things like watch videos of babies. Talk gently to your boobs. Take yoga breaths. Buy them Tiffany’s. Whatever it takes. And sometimes they cooperate.
So there I am on more boats back and forth than I can count, a no-cell phone allowed country club, in 2 fancy dresses with a tow along cooler and my giant pump bag. Every single person at that wedding knew that I was pumping. It usually went like this…
Man: We’d like everyone to be seated now for dinner please.
B: I’m waiting for my wife, she’s pumping.
B: Yes, pumping.
Man: Oh you have a baby?
B: Yep and she’s pumping.
Lady: What’s that bag?
Me: My pump
Lady: Your pump?
Me: Yes my pump.
Lady: Oh you have a baby?
Me: Yes and I’m pumping.
Probably this happened 74 times. And you know what? I wasn’t embarrassed at all. I was actually proud of myself for committing and I was proud to let the world know about it. I usually got a “good for you”. But man, it wasn’t easy. Especially leaving at 10am for bridesmaid stuff the day of the wedding and getting home at 2am. That’s a lot of swishy sloshy milk to carry around. But I did it.
And when it was all said and done, the following things happened:
1) I actually increased my supply. Ruby is a shitty nurser so pumping religiously every 2 hours while taking Mother’s Milk Plus like doubled my supply. Winner winner breastmilk dinner.
2) I actually relaxed. I know. It shocked me too. Wedding stuff can be stressful for people. My dress is stained, the makeup lady is a bitch, I forgot my earrings. Whatever. I became the calm, problem solver. Everything was easy. Do you know why? Because ANYTHING without two kids IS easy. And everything is solvable. This is why moms should rule the world.
3) I slept. More than I have in 9 months.
4) I drank. More than I have in 9 months.
5) I wore heels. More than I have in 9 months.
6) I dressed up and had fancy hair and fancy bags and fancy clothes (thank you Rent The Runway yet again for that yellow dress, bag and necklace). And it was awesome.
7) I actually got to talk to adults for more than 3 minutes without a mommymommymommyMOMMY in the background. I spent great time with my family and it was something that I’ll never forget.
And when we returned, Ruby had drank all but 3 ounces of the pumped milk. She woke up once a night. And was so happy to see me that she gave me her first FOR REAL arms wrapped tight, head in my neck hug. And it was awesome. G was all, whatever, I have diggers to attend to.
However she grew like 4 more teeth. And yes, she has vampire fangs now. HISSSSSSSSSSS.
We came home on Father’s Day.
So if I can do it, you can do it too. So pack up your pump and head out to Dollywood or something weird. You deserve it.
Back to real life. Back to cleaning out the poop from under my nails.
Cinderella is home from the ball. And my prince smells like beer farts.
PS. I will be a bridesmaid in your wedding as well for a small fee. I accept gift cards and cakes.