breastfeeding

I really wish I could respond to only the positive comments and ignore the negative ones. Because the positivity always is greater than the negativity and I appreciate everyone’s support so much. But the negative comments stick out and sometimes I feel like I need to defend myself. And I’ll be honest, some of the comments on the last post made me mad. Not just for me, but for so many breastfeeding women who struggle.

It seems like every time I talk about breastfeeding on this blog, a battle begins. And that to me is super sad. I’d hope as mothers we could all support each other. I mean, you all at least know a little bit about me. You know enough to know that I’m going to do what’s best for my daughter no matter what. You know that I’m not a breastfeeding psycho who stares down the face of formula feeding mothers. I do not judge. Really I don’t. You never know what put someone into the situation they are in.

But I re-read the last post. And despite the fact that some of you could have been a little more tactful and considerate, I understand how you could see things the way that you did.

And I understand how I could have come across as selfish. Possibly that I’m so dedicated to breastfeeding that I’m forgetting about the well-being of my daughter. I see how you could read it that way. I normally don’t do this, but I need to clarify. Because if anything is true, all I care about is doing what’s best for Ruby.

One of you pointed out that I’m “so dramatic”. Probably not the time and place for a comment like that but YES I’m so dramatic. Hi, I’m MODG nice to meet you. I’ve been dramatic for all 70 years of this blog. It’s why you read it. I haven’t heard a lot of people say lately “Hey there’s this blog I love. She’s SO normal and level headed”. Drama is who I am in my life, whether it’s about B’s bandana choices or breastfeeding. It’s real and it’s not manufactured for this blog. Trust me, B and everyone else wishes I could tone it down a bit.  But when I’m in the thick of a problem, I think worse case scenario and I panic.

That brings me to Ruby’s state. So many of you said that Ruby is sick and in pain and I should do what it takes to fix that. Ruby is not in pain. Ruby passes that water poop like it’s her job. There is no crying involved. She takes the gas like a champ. And I need to remind myself of that because all of this could just be baby digestive stuff that’s going on. But the smell of the poop and consistency is what concerns me. Also the frequency of gas. But dudes, she’s a happy baby. She’s not like G. If she was in visible pain, and I knew it was from breast milk, I would quit today and order the case of the formula.

I went to our pediatrician and my breastfeeding group and they all told me to chill out. They told me that she’s gaining weight, she’s happy and poop is poop. Every kid’s is different. Now, I take this with a grain of salt. It’s good to hear, but I do know deep down that her poop shouldn’t look and smell that way. But it’s enough to know that I don’t need to throw out my boobs today and buy formula. I’m not killing my child with my milk.

My milk. As I said in my last post, I don’t know for an absolute fact that my milk is “bad”. I don’t know for sure that I have a leaky gut. I’m doing the best I can to figure all of this out and signs are pointing in this direction. This good news is that with dedication, I can fix this. It won’t be easy but I’m doing it because it’s best for my daughter. Yes, formula is just fine and I have no problem with it. But it even says on the can “breast milk is best.” I’m working to give her the best I can. Not for me. Not for the hippies. Not for ANY other reason that for the well being of my daughter.

So far I’ve cut out grains, dairy and soy and I’ve seen an improvement. The thing with a leaky gut is that you’ll see improvement when you cut out the big dog culprits but she won’t be totally “cured” until the gut is healed. So because I’m seeing improvement, I’m going to keep going.

A friend of mine, who went through something similar, sent me a note yesterday that said this:

“I think everyone has gotten it all wrong when they focus on the nutritional and immunological benefits of breastfeeding (not that they are unimportant)… for me, it was the bonding— the look of sheer ecstasy when she would latch on— that made me continue what I was doing. I feel like that is what she wanted of me, what she expected. I feel like it’s what I owed her and wanted to provide to her.” -H

Yes. Of course Ruby’s health is #1. But there IS so much more to breastfeeding that is important to my child. And I felt this way with G. It was his only comfort when he was in pain. It was his reconnection to me when he was scared. It was his safety to know that mom was there. I know that I can build a different bond with bottle feeding and I don’t discredit that. But I’m trying to not take this away from my daughter if I don’t have to.

I mentioned this to many commenters but please think of it like this: If you formula fed and your baby was sick, you’d probably just try a different formula. If someone told you that formula was “bad” and you need to do the right thing and start breastfeeding for the well being of your baby, you’d shit yourself and smear it in their face. So please remember that when you’re telling me to “do the right thing”.

I get that it’s my choice to put all of this out there for you to read and comment as you like. But I have a lot of respect for everyone who reads this as 9 times out of 10 everyone is respectful right back. I put it out there because I get some of my best advice from you guys. Like someone suggested I take digestive enzymes, which are ordered as we speak and I’m grateful for the suggestion. But remember this when you comment here:

You don’t have to agree with what I do. You don’t have to even understand what I do. But I just ask that you respect it and respect me as well as other commenters. We are ALL doing the best we can as women and moms.

I do not want this battle to continue so I closed the comments on the last post. Let’s start over here and move forward.

LOVE to you all,

MODG

POSTED IN: breastfeeding