Dramababy

May 9, 2013

The 14 things I can do without a toddler. Oh I didn’t tell you? I’m on TODDLERCATION.

B and others who know me in real life say that I overshare.

Duh B and others.

Hi, I write MODGblog.

But I posted this on facebook Sunday:

“Today I cried a little as my best boy got on an airplane and left mommy for a week. Then I pooped by myself for the first time in 5 months and got over it.”

I’m not sure what’s overshare-y about that. Poop is poop and it comes out of everyone’s butts. But it’s time to talk about what that post was really about.

I AM TODDLER-LESS FOR THE WEEK. Let that sink in a little.

For those of you who have a toddler and a baby…especially an active toddler with an affinity for construction equipment and destruction, you know what I’m saying.

I am here with Ruby and no G. This is the first time I’ve been away from him since our babymoon to Miami and the 2nd time total ever. I didn’t really know what that meant until he left. It means a lot of things. It means that I miss him dearly. Let’s get that out of the way. But it also means these things. These things that I now can do and some that I can’t do now that the 2 year old has peaced.

I can walk into the kitchen, open up all the cabinets, open the drawer full of knives and walk away. I can even yell at the top of my lungs THE DRAWER OF KNIVES IS OPEN AND NO ONE IS WATCHING! SHARP THINGS ARE EVERYWHERE!
I can freely eat cookies at 11am, 1pm, 4pm, and 8pm without sharing. Also without hiding. Also in my bed. Also on the toilet.
I can shower. Like during waking hours. And then if I feel like it, I can put eyeshadow on without someone seriously trying to convince me that it’s actually not eyeshadow, but paint for coloring books and maybe the wall.
I can pull into my driveway and open my garage for easy house access and walk directly into my house immediately upon arrival. The opposing scenario is this: TOYS MOMMYMOMMYMOMMY PLAY TOYS. TOYS TOYS. NO INSIDE. TOYS. NO LUNCH. NO FEED RUBY. TOYS. (the damn toys are in the garage in case you didn’t put that together)
I can go to the mall as I please during waking hours and not Jim’s Bouncy Run Around Be Crazy Play Land to get out energy, ensuring long toddler naps. In fact, I can just stare at the wall and not move at all.
OR I CAN JUST SLEEP.
I can walk up and down the stairs, holding things in my hands. I do not in fact need any free baby gate opening or closing hands. BECAUSE I DON’T NEED BABY GATES. Swing wide, sweet baby gates. Swing wide and free.
I can choose an outfit based on pure style and awesomeness and not based on how easily ketchup and yogurt stains will be removed from the fabric.
I can take 56 minutes deciding on that outfit if I so choose to.
I can watch TV during waking hours. That TV program can include vampires, nudity, and the words shit and asshole. And I have no idea what project Bob the Builder is building.
Similarly I do not have to watch on tv any cats in hats or any mentally disturbed men in yellow who regularly talk to monkeys.
I can bring a purse with me that isn’t the size of New Mexico and waterproof. I don’t have anyone digging through it for snacks. I can put it on the floor if I want. I can put makeup in it. I do not have 5 trucks and a train in it.
There are currently no sticks or rocks in my car.
And yes, I can poop in private.

PRIVATE. I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT IN PRIVATE.

I want to be clear about something, I haven’t been able to do any of these things in 2 years. G is a wonderful nut of a child and was a very colicky baby. I couldn’t put him down for a second. I was overwhelmed as a new mom and freaked out. Ruby is chill and goes with the flow. And for that reason, I’m relaxed. I literally feel like I’m on vacation.

I remember blogging about how hard motherhood was when I had G. I remember a specific comment that said “dude, what are you complaining about? You have 1 child.” But now that I have Ruby? I’d like to say F you to that commenter. ALL BABIES ARE NOT CREATED EQUAL. Yes 1 baby in general is pretty easy. But 1 G equals 7 regular babies. I really didn’t fully know how stressed I was until this very moment.

Moms, if you have a toddler and a baby, I fully recommend a toddler vacation. Get the kid to the grandparents for a week. It will change you.

Moms, stand on your couch and hold your cookie high. Shout to the world FREEDOM. I AM FREE.

If you need me, I’ll be watching Vampire Diaries on really loud while sharpening my knives.

xoxo

MODG

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In honor of mom freedom, this post is brought to you by Laura Prell Massage Therapy. This one is for my local moms. If you’re toddler isn’t going anywhere anytime soon, get your ass to get a massage. It’s sort of weird getting a massage at a place you don’t know about for the first time. You don’t know where those hands have been and you are not so sure about being naked around them. I’m here to give you a solid thumbs up for Laura. She’s local to downtown Phoenixville, PA and is super affordable. Highly recommend.

Now go get a massage. Bring the cookie.

POSTED IN: Awesome things,Dramababy,Mom Stuff,Toddlers

March 4, 2013

Send help. Send meds. Send booz. Send babysitters.

You guys.

I just got some NEWS. And not the US Weekly kind. I’m going to be alone with the kids for a full week. That means, wake ups, all meals, all baths, all NIGHT LONG wake ups and all entertainment. Me. And then? When it’s all over? I have to do it again, and again, and again. That’s a total of FOUR WEEKS ON MY OWN.

B is going out of town for non negotiable reasons (to see his girlfriend) and I don’t know what I’m going to do. Let’s be honest, I mean, I know there are many single parents out there with more kids than me and more problems than me. But I’m like a below average parent when it comes to handing them together. I struggle. I have anxiety and I just get overwhelmed with 2 kids crying or wanting attention. Or one wanting mommy to PLAY TRAINS PLAY TRAINS and the other needing to be fed. And then the one needing to be fed HAS to be fed in a dark quiet room because she wants to watch her brother scream around like a maniac.

And the guilt, the stupid guilt. I feel terrible telling G no when all he wants to do is play with me. I hear Cats in the Cradle playing softly in my head and I cry in the corner. Ok not really, but I feel bad. But 10 minutes later I’m like WHY WON’T THIS KID PLAY BY HIMSELF EVER? And then I put the tv on so I can keep his sister alive for one more day. And then I feel bad for putting on the TV after he’s running around screaming about a cat in a hat or a damn monkey one more time.

Do we put too much pressure on ourselves as mom’s these days? I mean, I’m trying to cook meals from scratch, keep my toddler artfully entertained with wooden organic virgin fairy tear dust toys, exclusively breastfeed my infant and oh, lose all the baby weight immediately. AND have nice hair.

When I was little, I had a TV in my room at 6. It was pink. My parents were thrilled if I ate spaghetti-o’s and took me to get a happy meal when they would go to the Chinese restaurant. Granted, I’m no picture of health these days, but man alive, doing shit the “right” way is tough.

And is it just going to get harder? I mean are we going to be worried about the grassfed cow meat that possibly once ate dandelions instead of just grass because that cow could give my child early male pattern baldness? I just can’t keep up and I’m so tired.

None of us are doing this to ourselves to purposely make our lives harder, I get that. I mean it’s our kids, we want the best for them. We want them to be social and have friends but be really smart in school and study all the time and be hard workers. But also have fun and play well with others and share. And pee in the potty before they are 12. But not too soon because it has to be done in their own time and way. And and andand andandnadkfha;dkfja’lskjf’asldkjf never ever never get sick.

Yeah.

Can you tell I’m overwhelmed? G is just in full on terrible 2′s tantrum mode right now. Like god forbid we build the house with pillows and blankets with the corner sticking out on the top right instead of the top left like it was yesterday. TANTRUM. Or jesusapplesauce if G wants to hold the “big spoon” but we don’t know which big spoon in 3 tries or less. Done. G is what the hippies call “spirited”. He’s what I call a temporary pain in my ass. I love my ass pain more than glitter rainbows, but it doesn’t make it hurt my ass any less right now. And yes, I know it’s temporary. The books promise me that. Everything is a phase. But if I can’t complain about it in a super dramatic way here, where can I?

Also as aside, I hate winter. I have never hated winter more in my entire life than I have with 2 kids in this damn house.

HATE

WINTER.

Do you know who else hates winter? Every other parent with kids. I know this because of the dinosaur “expo” I attended charging 30 thousand dollars a family for kids to look at animatronic dinosaurs for 10 minutes. Because it’s inside. In the winter. And you know what? I RAN there.

This was a big mess of complain wasn’t it? I’m sorry. We’ll get through this together. And if I don’t, I will turn this blog over to G and things will get real dramatic around here. Don’t you dare ask him to put on a sweater.

How are you surviving the indoors with kids? PLEASE for the love of sparkles, give him indoor activities for my single parenting upcoming time. Also your phone number if you want to babysit.

xoxo

MODG

PS I’m selling my clothes to buy money for anxiety meds and booz. Buy them.

POSTED IN: babies,Dramababy,Mom Stuff

January 27, 2013

Species alert: Sick Toddler. Please stay indoors and avoid playgrounds and grocery carts until they are all jailed and quarantined.

Can someone get me the 19 kids and counting mom on the phone? I mean, I know she has Jesus on her team, but man alive, 2 kids is advanced mom stuff. And yet again, I think, like every family in the world has at least 2 kids. WHY DOES NO ONE TALK ABOUT IT? [...]

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December 11, 2012

3 weeks down a BILLION to go. Babies hate me.

As many of you know who were around last year, once Operation WANA kicks off, this blog goes crazy for the rest of the month. So before that happens, I wanted to update you on life in the MODG house. I remember posting a lot about how hard it was when G was born. Someone [...]

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