Hi!. I heard you don’t want to see babies anymore on your facebook feed and you downloaded this new app that blocks baby faces and replaces them with things like cats and dogs. It’s cool, I get it. You’re young, hot, hip and with it. I can tell by the 300 pictures that I’ve seen on you in your bikini on the beach from all different angles. I don’t know how you get your arms to stretch like that, but way to go. Looking at babies is SO not part of your scene. I mean what if one of your friends actually caught you with a picture of a baby on your monitor? Can you even imagine? Shit would get real. They would definitely ban you from the next group Halloween. I know! And you were SO excited to dress up like slutty crayons AGAIN. And I really wanted to see those pictures. Again.
(photo from wtfcostumes.com)
But listen, honestly, I do get it. You are in a different part of your life than I am. You don’t actually have a baby. So why would you want to see a baby? Like I don’t have a dog so I don’t really feel like seeing your dog on your bed “smiling” for the camera and you quoting his thoughts: “Sparky LOVES to be a cuddle bug!”. But tell me what you are ok with seeing so I can post more pictures of that. Food that I’ve cooked from Pinterest? Motivational Someecards that say things like “I hate big boobs, said no one ever” hahaha. See how funny I am? Oh wait, how about just more pictures of my cat. You like that. I know this because the option on Ubaby.me is to replace pictures of babies with actual cats. This I get. If anything says cool and hip, it’s being a Cat Lady.
You know, we’re not that different though now that I think about it. I’ve shown you pictures of my baby covered in mud, stumbling along as he learns to walk with his shirt off because it got all wet in the hose. That was totally JUST like your Saturday night, right? I know because I saw it. On Facebook. I just didn’t have any sort of app to not see it. But it’s ok, that’s who you are. And you’re my real friend. Because Facebook says we are.
I was there. I posted that shit before I had a baby. We bonded over my 500 girl night out pictures. You saw me mirror posing to get the perfect I’mnottryingtobegorgeousbutIreallyam face and then instantly make it my profile picture.
You saw pictures of my sore feet in my LAMB shoes with a dollar bill stuffed in them, just because.
You even saw me wear costumes to 7-11 because that’s what cool hip people without babies do. And you know what? You didn’t complain. That makes you tops in my book.
But now I’m a mom. Wah Wah…. I have kids. BLAH. I am pregnant. BOOOO. I am despicable. I don’t want the pictures of the happiest thing in my whole life to clog up your facebook feed. You need to have room to see what everyone is listening to on Spotify. Duh.
So enjoy your new found unbaby.me freedom. I’m going right now to download unrepublican.me, unbebetop.me, unironichipsterglasses.me and unpicturesofyourdinner.me. I’m going to replace all of those things with pictures of babies.
Yay. Now we can all be the exact type of friend that we want. Clones of ourselves.
HOLLA TO YO BOYZ,
I would super love if you could post in the comments what you would like to un____.me. Some of my favorites so far are unjesus.me and unposthowmanymilesyourun.me. Please continue this sort of thing as it makes me very happy. Thank you.