I definitely took for granted last time that I didn’t have to go through the waitandsee bullshit of pregnancy. My water broke early and we were off. No, I don’t want that again, but this waiting and seeing is nonsense.
So today I had a midwife appointment and I let her “check me”. I originally said that is something I wouldn’t do. It’s not a reliable means of finding out if or when you are in labor. Or even if it will happen soon. But my situation is different. If my cervix doesn’t get off it’s lazy asshole and do SOMETHING soon, it’s c section time. So we checked.
And I didn’t sleep last night because of it. And I couldn’t eat breakfast. Because holycervixface, this is a big deal. And I was like B, are you nervous? And he’s like, about what? And I’m like, punch in your neck.
The poor midwife is like straight up *nervous* to stick her hand in my vag because I’m in tears and B is staring her down like, you better say something good or my life will be misery for 2 weeks. This was also the very first time her and my vagina met. So there were pleasantries exchanged like, nice to meet you, I’ve heard so much about you, etc.
So she checks.
And she’s making faces.
And she’s digging around.
And she’s like What’s that?
And I’m like DON’T SAY WHAT’S THAT.
And she’s like, oh it’s nothing.
And she’s like ok. You’re 80% effaced but not dilated.
And she’s trying desperately to stick a finger in the cervix hole but it’s closed up tight.
So for those of you who don’t know (I didn’t). Effaced means that your cervix is getting thinner and softer. Dilation is when the tiny hole in your cervix starts to open up shop. I read that in pregnant women your cervix looks and feels like lips.
So this is what I picture my cervix to look like now. Warning, this is very graphic and accurate.
You know, like Olsen twin duck face lips. NOT opening.
What we need is this:
So that’s what we’re working on. Visualization of blow up dolls and the like. I read it or something.
The super good news is that worse case scenario, I will be induced on the 19th. But my midwife is confident that I will go into labor before then on my own. But she said “don’t quote me on the blog”. So I’m not quoting her on the blog. I’m just quoting her saying don’t quote me. Which I think is ok and allowed. Also yes, she reads the blog. I know….
But I’m feeling more positive and trying to stay that way for these reasons:
1) My water so far has not spontaneously ruptured. I’m a beaver dam for waters. Literally.
2) Effacement is good. It means stuff is happening and it makes me feel like I’m not broken.
3) I don’t have this looming imminent c-section threat hanging over my head anymore. No I don’t WANT to be induced, but I’ll take it if I have to.
4) I have an Olsen twin in my vag.
It’s getting close and I’m excited. I’m nervous. I’m ready. Also a snow storm is coming. So Yoshe was probably waiting for that. Just to make things interesting.
Also my doula muscle tested me for baby names. Oh you don’t know what this is? It’s when you hold stuff and they see how your muscles respond. I held paper with baby names written on them. Apparently she HATES 2 of the names, LOVES 2 and won’t murder us in our sleep over 1 of them. Hippies are the best.
Ok there you go friends.
I will keep you posted. Almost go time.
Love to you and your Olsen.
MODG
PS Please start calling your vag an Olsen.
Thanks.
Hi I’m MODG. But you can call me MODG. You say it like Modg, like a Grandma name. Not like M.O.D.G. That’s a lot of syllables and I don’t have that kind of time. 
