Not Pleased

January 31, 2012

It’s a mournful day at MODG.

Dudes. World=rocked.

I’m officially in mourning. G has recovered nicely from his billion germ sickness and as the virus died so did something else. Something I’ll never get back. Something I loved dearly and held close to my heart every single day.

THE SECOND NAP.

I heard rumblings of this thing that these toddlers do, but it seemed so awful and horrific, that I brushed it off as ugly  baby rumors. There is no way MY child is giving up his second nap. He sleeps and hour and a half in both the morning AND afternoon. No, I’m not lucky. I’m smart. It took me a long time to get there and it was not easy. And that is why I was never giving up that 2nd nap. I planned to read Goodnight Moon (which is the dumbest book ever) to him twice a day in college.

But just like that, it was snatched out from under me.

Once G started “playing” in his crib for an hour, I knew it was done. I would come in and the humidifier would be on the floor, all the shit in his crib would be on the floor and he’d be breakdancing and rapping. Yeah, it was done.

And turns out in our “trial run” G was more than ready for full on awake time from 7-12. The child didn’t miss a beat. HOW CAN THIS BE? DOESN’T HE KNOW I NEED THAT TIME?

Please understand, I adore and love my child and I love playing with him. But he still doesn’t let me open the refrigerator without a melt down. And it’s the G show all the damn time.  I’m ok with this. He’s “spirted”. Which is what I’ve learned teachers call the crazy ass kids. But dudes, my internet time is cut in half. Remember The Project? Yeah the whole working out thing? That happened during the morning nap. And it took me a freaking year to figure that one out.

Do you know what else happened during the morning nap? Things like, brushing my teeth, pooping, putting on clothes and brushing my hair.

Yesterday was my first day on my own with G for the 1 nap day. And for the first time in 13.5 months, I felt like a stay at home mom. Now I know that sounds Britney to you, but listen: Before I had a baby. He would nap, we would play a little. We would eat some food and repeat. The actual stuff that happened in between naps was all well and good, but he was a baby so I could throw paper on the floor and be like “GAME!”. Now I’m a mom to a toddler. A toddler who totally needs me to stimulate him and teach him things. THINGS! And that my friends in pressure.

Ok maybe I should have been doing more of this before, but we really do the best that we can with a kid who just needs us and attention so much.

So yet again I’m coming to you guys. Please help me. How do I make this transition easier? How do I not be a delinquent mother and actually do things with my child that are fun and good for him?

Am I really a stay at home mom now?

PS.

I am butt ass sick. I caught the Croup. Apparently in adults croup= we’ll clog up all the holes in your face so it all has to drip down your throat.

PPS

I’m writing this during my one and only break today. You’re welcome.

107 comments

POSTED IN: babies,Dramababy,Mom Stuff,Not Pleased

January 26, 2012

There’s really no good reason to read this. Unless you like ultimate sadness and poop pictures.

Raise your hand if you know what croup is?

If you answered a combination of crap and poop YOU ARE CORRECT.

However I also found out very quickly that it is a baby virus sent to torture sweet little smushy baby faces all around the world (and their parents). Right smack dab in the middle of my boob lump drama, G caught croup. He caught it somehow, in the dark, in his crib, in the middle of the night. I think he’s hiding shit under his mattress. Like rusty nails and saliva from friends.

We wake up to the most horrid sounding cough you can imagine. I thought my son had become a seal. Because the cough literally sounds like a barking seal. It’s HORRIFIC. The child then had trouble breathing. Like for serious you guys. I brought him into our bed and was quickly reminded how happy I am that we no longer co-sleep. So I ended up sleeping on his nursery floor while he would do this

sleep
15 minutes
seal bark SCREAM stop breathing
*trip to the steam bathroom*
sleep
15 minutes
seal bark SCREAM stop breathing
mom loses her shit
Dad takes G outside in the FREEZING cold to get night air
mom cries in a corner
sleep
15 minutes
seal bark SCREAM stop breathing

ALL.NIGHT.LONG.

I debated taking him to the ER but I’m a queen over reactor so I thought I’d be a sensible mom and wait it out.
Sensible moms are assholes.

Because not 15 minutes after sitting with the doctor, he sent us to the hospital for xrays for PNEUMONIA.
jesusgod people. BABY PNEUMONIA.

I called B in hysterics.

Me: MY BABY MY BABY
B: It’s ok, I’ll meet you there in 15 minutes
Me: SOB SOB SOB
B: IT WILL BE OK
Me: MY BAAAAABY
B: Just DRIVE.

Do you know what is sad? Yes, those Sarah McLaughlin animal commercials. I agree. But so is a tiny child getting a chest xray. But he did not have pneumonia. Thank god. He was then admitted directly to the ER because he was “working to breathe”. What a TERRIBLE sentence.

I’ll wait while you get a bandaid for your heart.

He got a tiny little breathing treatment that made him look like a dragon, some steroids and lots of fever reducer because it was 103.3 ja;sldkjfa;lskdjfa;lksdjf
My poor little monkey who bounces off the walls couldn’t even sit up. I cried maybe every odd hour.

The only thing that made the child happy the next day was a warm steamy bath. So happy that for the first time ladies and gentlemen, he shit in the tub. WARNING, I’M GOING TO SHOW YOU THE SHIT. IF YOU DON’T WANT TO SEE IT. DON’T LOOK.

NOW STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT SEEING IT. Because I am the one who had to get the very sick child out and fish the poop out with my hand in a plastic bag that OOPS looks like it has a hole in it. Awesome. And oops, the poop disintegrates into 1 million tiny poops diffusing throughout the tub of water, all through the tiny holes and crevices of rubber ducks and toy boats. I am then the one who gets the STRAINER from the kitchen to get the bigger poops out to dump them into the toilet. I am then the one who has to collect the poop toys into a bucket with the poop strainer and somehow clean out the tub because it smells like a frat toilet.

I obviously sent that picture straight to B and requested a raise in my House Manager salary.

B says this: I would have just flushed the poop.

WHAT A GREAT IDEA YOU ASSHOLE.
Please remember that B has given this child a bath every single night of his life and he poops with me.

But G was not better and today we found out that he has bronchitis and double ear infections. But he’s starting to improve and let me tell you this: This took more out of me and was 100 times more stressful for me than finding out about Mr lumpy hump.

The one thing that got me through my lump ordeal was telling myself how much worse it would be if G was the one with a mysterious lump instead of me. That made me grateful for my lump and gave me the strength and courage to face it head on. And having G sick this week was a really good constant reminder of that.

This was G’s first REAL sickness and it won’t be his last and I have NO idea how I’m going to deal with more of this. I don’t know how any of you deal with this.
I am currently working on a love bubble for my baby. It’s made of marshmallow, bunnies and clouds and it protects my super sweet baby from rusty nails and friend saliva. He can totally live in that for a good 17 years. Oh, I’m also considering accepting donated breastmilk for G. And that is not a joke. I really miss having my super sweet magical health juice for G. He was never sick with the good shit.

Now please tell me how you keep your children safe. I’m accepting blueprints for bubbles.

Also I don’t want to hear about the shit picture. Go wash your eyes.

Worn the F out,

MODG

 

95 comments

POSTED IN: babies,Dramababy,Mom Stuff,Not Pleased,Vom stuff

January 18, 2012

Guessing the goverment probably won’t be cool with doing important things like your mom.

SOPA is basically a ton of balls. No one wants that. Internet piracy is bad. But this isn’t the way to solve it. Government controlled internet would essentially be the loss of free thought, speech and cat videos. And we all need cat videos. Watch this video to educate yourself. This is the scariest thing [...]

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January 2, 2012

This isn’t the first time I’ve imagined a gaggle of babies plotting against me. Please, like you haven’t.

Hello friends. 2012 looks sexy on you. So far, 2012 has brought me the following things: 1) a yeast infection (thank you antibiotics. Any drug that makes your vagina turn against you is questionable at best) 2) a family cold. I am the 3rd and final recipient of the mucus award. 3) a toddler. And [...]

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December 26, 2011

On the 66th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a burning sensation when I pee.

Oh you thought this would be another “Christmas is so awesome and look how cute my kid is and look at his presents and smiles and rainbows” post. You should know better by now. We’re talking about my vagina again. Ok not actually my vagina, but more like it’s neighbors pee hole and pee pipe. [...]

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